I keep getting the feeling she wants someone to sweep her off her feet. Come riding in on a white horse and swoop her up and take her off to some kind of fairy tale land. BITCH!! This ain’t “CHRONICLES OF NARNIA”. Santa Claus is not going to ride up on you in his sleigh and give you magical gifts and you’re not going to inherit a kingdom.

Because my emotions are so volatile, I hold the good in with the bad. You can’t accept one side without accepting the other. To appease her, I’ve just decided to hold back. There is no emotion in my voice when I speak and my face is unreadable.

Dear Diary,

 

 

Maybe it’s just best for me to go it alone. I’m with you but I’m not really with you. I’m feeling so empty and so hollow inside. Like all I have in this world is God and my tears. I know relationships aren’t for me. Women aren’t for me. People aren’t for me. I can trust the things I cannot see but it’s the tangible shyt I can’t wrap my fingers around. I lay in my bed at night staring up at the ceiling in misery because it’s so cold and so dark here and no matter who I get close to, they’ll never really touch my soul. I keep wandering the world looking for fulfillment and everytime I meet a new chick I think she’s the answer. But we both know deep down inside, she’s not the answer. She’s just another distraction.

Backtrack….

 

We went to Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve. I had the nerve to wear one of those little exercise belts from curve that I bought out of an Avon catalog. I’m with Chelsea and Avion and they happened to be talking about this belt when I mention. I got one on right now. Chelsea looks at me in disgust like “what the fuck kind of weight do you need to lose?”

 

I didn’t really mean to start everything off on a bad note. Tonight’s Christmas night and my brother is here with his wife and kids. I haven’t seen them in a long time and I kind of missed them. Mostly I missed his little boney ass. My bro’s a regular comedian and seems to be able to lighten up any somber mood. He’s more laidback and jovial, whereas I’m more uptight. I’m not really afraid to admit my flaws. I figure that’s the strong point in a person’s character– being able to admit ones flaws. I cooked and baked. Really I just fried chicken and made a half West Indian meal which consisted of fried chicken, rice and peas and some cucumbers and tomatoes on the side– nothing big just something to fill the appetite. I also baked a gingerbread cake and a banana bread cake. After dinner we retired to the living room to watch the “HOUSE” marathon on the big screen. My bro likes house coz he’s such an asshole. He figures I can relate coz according to him; I act just like House.

When did we start having secrets? All of a sudden one can’t see her messages on her IMVU. You know IMVU is like MySpace. I’ve had many a friend who purposely hid their testimonials or comments so that both women in their lives could not see the others comments. Am I being petty coz I’m wondering if that’s what she’s doing? Wondering if this is some kind of game she’s playing? Is it insecurity? I’m only concerned coz I’ve seen other people do it. And by what I’ve come to learn; you can’t really put anything past anyone.

I really hope I’m not turning into my worst nightmare. I’m hoping and praying that I’m not him. I am not my father. I know he doesn’t give a shyt or maybe he didn’t. He wasn’t one for showing emotions much. If that isn’t the case then basically it must mean that I’ve given up. Like I’ve just resigned myself to not givin a fuck.

So I had the following conversation with an old friend:

kiss meshia ii [10:05 P.M.]:
matism
kiss meshia ii [10:05 P.M.]:

can I ask you a question
I MATISM I [10:05 P.M.]:
sure
kiss meshia ii [10:05 P.M.]:
when someone says something to you denigrating who you are as a person.
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:
how do you typically react
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:

or how does it usually make you feel
I MATISM I [10:06 P.M.]:
i would be really mad
I MATISM I [10:06 P.M.]:
n i would go the fuck off
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:
have you ever “not been mad”
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:

not went off?
I MATISM I [10:07 P.M.]:
yea
kiss meshia ii [10:07 P.M.]:
has it ever bothered you?
I MATISM I [10:07 P.M.]:
when i let it go..no
kiss meshia ii [10:07 P.M.]:
no but i mean
kiss meshia ii [10:07 P.M.]:

has there every been a time
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:

when there is just no immediate reaction
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
ever*
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
yea
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
do you know why that is?
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
no i dont
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
it doesn’t make you wonder?
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
not really
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
you know how my mouth is right
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
u ok
I MATISM I [10:09 P.M.]:
yea i know
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
you know how my temper is
I MATISM I [10:09 P.M.]:
yea
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
well someone said something kinda fucked up to me
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
and
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
I wasn’t even mad
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:

I didn’t respond
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:

didn’t react
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
then thats a good thing rii
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
I jus didn’t care
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
there u go
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
is it a good thing if it’s someone you love
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:

aren’t I supposed to care.
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
wow
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
do u love this person
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
yes I do
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
but i really love me more than her
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
there u go
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:
could it be i’m so narcissistic
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

i just couldn’t give a fuck what she says
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:
and if that’s the case
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

is that good for a relationship
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

the next thing is
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

Im a spiritual person
I MATISM I [10:11 P.M.]:
wow idk
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:
and the moment i stop givin a fuck. I start thinking maybe I’ve lost touch with that side
I MATISM I [10:12 P.M.]:
you know u really have to ask urself is it worth losing
kiss meshia ii [10:12 P.M.]:
no it’s not worth losing but my question is how to i get it back. .like how do i start feeling again.
kiss meshia ii [10:12 P.M.]:

coz it’s like i don’t really feel anything
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:
and I hate that
I MATISM I [10:13 P.M.]:
wow gurl thats deep
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:
I just have this really bleak outlook on the world and even tho it’s bleak it doesn’t affect me one way or another
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:

because it’s just Like i’m “MATTER”
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:

i exist to exist.
I MATISM I [10:13 P.M.]:
u have change alot
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:
if i have has it been positive
kiss meshia ii [10:14 P.M.]:
has it been negative
I MATISM I [10:14 P.M.]:
yes
I MATISM I [10:14 P.M.]:
ur growing up lady
kiss meshia ii [10:14 P.M.]:
how is it positive if i just don’t really feel anything though?
I MATISM I [10:14 P.M.]:
the feelings will come back trust
kiss meshia ii [10:16 P.M.]:
i hope so
kiss meshia ii [10:16 P.M.]:

because I don’t really feel human
I MATISM I [10:16 P.M.]:
it will
I MATISM I [10:16 P.M.]:
u pray rii
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:
yeah
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:

not as often as I used to
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:

but I do pray
I MATISM I [10:17 P.M.]:
then pray on it n trust u will see
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:
do you think i’ll find more answers if I pray more
I MATISM I [10:17 P.M.]:
yes
kiss meshia ii [10:18 P.M.]:
then I guess that’s what I need to do
I MATISM I [10:18 P.M.]:
an u will be blessed
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:
thank you for talking ot me
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

to *
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:
mea
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

oops
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

me
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

I don’t feel so lost now
I MATISM I [10:21 P.M.]:
anytime Plat

It’s bothering me that I don’t feel any kind of way about the message she left me on my page. She said I was being immature by attempting to hide my messages. I thought I would be mad but I don’t even feel anything and I don’t really understand why that is. Why am I so calm? Why am I not livid? I don’t know?

Today proves to be a bit uneventful. I’m thinking it’s because I miss her so much or mainly because I miss Texas. I haven’t eaten much over the past 3 days so now I’m feeling a little woozy. I feel fatigued even though I’ve had my 8 hours. I’m sitting here at work watching the clock; waiting for the opportunity to brave the ice to get home. It’s 15 degrees outside but she makes it feel like it’s 50; like it’s warm and sunny. She’s the reason why “it never rains in Southern California”.

Am I the only person who’s annoyed by folks who keep you hanging on the phone whilst they conduct their own outside conversations? I personally feel like there are other things I could be doing other than listening to her yuk it up with her roommate. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not hatin on her roommate. I know they’ve been best friends for 10 years and I know they’re gonna laugh n chat with each other. But shyt if you’re busy, do you. She thinks I’m upset about not receiving the emails of us together. But I’m really just upset that she had me on the phone tryin to get her attention and she was too busy cutting a fool in the background. I felt totally fuckin invisible. But hey whatever it’s the story of my life. Now I’ll just treat her like she don’t exist and move forward.