I really hope I’m not turning into my worst nightmare. I’m hoping and praying that I’m not him. I am not my father. I know he doesn’t give a shyt or maybe he didn’t. He wasn’t one for showing emotions much. If that isn’t the case then basically it must mean that I’ve given up. Like I’ve just resigned myself to not givin a fuck.

So I had the following conversation with an old friend:

kiss meshia ii [10:05 P.M.]:
matism
kiss meshia ii [10:05 P.M.]:

can I ask you a question
I MATISM I [10:05 P.M.]:
sure
kiss meshia ii [10:05 P.M.]:
when someone says something to you denigrating who you are as a person.
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:
how do you typically react
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:

or how does it usually make you feel
I MATISM I [10:06 P.M.]:
i would be really mad
I MATISM I [10:06 P.M.]:
n i would go the fuck off
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:
have you ever “not been mad”
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:

not went off?
I MATISM I [10:07 P.M.]:
yea
kiss meshia ii [10:07 P.M.]:
has it ever bothered you?
I MATISM I [10:07 P.M.]:
when i let it go..no
kiss meshia ii [10:07 P.M.]:
no but i mean
kiss meshia ii [10:07 P.M.]:

has there every been a time
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:

when there is just no immediate reaction
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
ever*
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
yea
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
do you know why that is?
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
no i dont
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
it doesn’t make you wonder?
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
not really
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
you know how my mouth is right
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
u ok
I MATISM I [10:09 P.M.]:
yea i know
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
you know how my temper is
I MATISM I [10:09 P.M.]:
yea
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
well someone said something kinda fucked up to me
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
and
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
I wasn’t even mad
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:

I didn’t respond
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:

didn’t react
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
then thats a good thing rii
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
I jus didn’t care
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
there u go
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
is it a good thing if it’s someone you love
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:

aren’t I supposed to care.
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
wow
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
do u love this person
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
yes I do
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
but i really love me more than her
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
there u go
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:
could it be i’m so narcissistic
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

i just couldn’t give a fuck what she says
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:
and if that’s the case
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

is that good for a relationship
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

the next thing is
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

Im a spiritual person
I MATISM I [10:11 P.M.]:
wow idk
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:
and the moment i stop givin a fuck. I start thinking maybe I’ve lost touch with that side
I MATISM I [10:12 P.M.]:
you know u really have to ask urself is it worth losing
kiss meshia ii [10:12 P.M.]:
no it’s not worth losing but my question is how to i get it back. .like how do i start feeling again.
kiss meshia ii [10:12 P.M.]:

coz it’s like i don’t really feel anything
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:
and I hate that
I MATISM I [10:13 P.M.]:
wow gurl thats deep
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:
I just have this really bleak outlook on the world and even tho it’s bleak it doesn’t affect me one way or another
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:

because it’s just Like i’m “MATTER”
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:

i exist to exist.
I MATISM I [10:13 P.M.]:
u have change alot
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:
if i have has it been positive
kiss meshia ii [10:14 P.M.]:
has it been negative
I MATISM I [10:14 P.M.]:
yes
I MATISM I [10:14 P.M.]:
ur growing up lady
kiss meshia ii [10:14 P.M.]:
how is it positive if i just don’t really feel anything though?
I MATISM I [10:14 P.M.]:
the feelings will come back trust
kiss meshia ii [10:16 P.M.]:
i hope so
kiss meshia ii [10:16 P.M.]:

because I don’t really feel human
I MATISM I [10:16 P.M.]:
it will
I MATISM I [10:16 P.M.]:
u pray rii
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:
yeah
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:

not as often as I used to
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:

but I do pray
I MATISM I [10:17 P.M.]:
then pray on it n trust u will see
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:
do you think i’ll find more answers if I pray more
I MATISM I [10:17 P.M.]:
yes
kiss meshia ii [10:18 P.M.]:
then I guess that’s what I need to do
I MATISM I [10:18 P.M.]:
an u will be blessed
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:
thank you for talking ot me
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

to *
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:
mea
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

oops
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

me
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

I don’t feel so lost now
I MATISM I [10:21 P.M.]:
anytime Plat

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