psy?chop?a?thy

  1. a mental disorder in which an individual manifests amoral and antisocial behavior, lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, extreme egocentricity, failure to learn from experience, etc.

Is this me? I ask myself questions like this every day. This is what puts me at odds with the world at large. The very fact that I ask myself questions one should be asking the Dali Lama. I psychoanalyze myself on a daily basis to determine why I can’t actually maintain long-lasting relationships with the people I love. Why am I so anti-social at times? I wouldn’t even term myself the perfect definition of a loser because losers at least have other losers to rely on. So what exactly am I?

Am I this psychopath? Sometimes I feel like something sinister’s astir within my spirit.

I’m realizing how truly fucked up my world is today. I just broke up with Aquafina about 2 nights ago. I just had to face facts. She is not on my level. I have a pet peeve about folks holding me hostage on the phone while they conduct external conversations with folks in the vicinity. I’ll let you slide if it’s work. I’ll even let you slide to say hello to your best friend. But when you’re so engrossed in your conversation you don’t even hear me when I say your name, there’s a problem. No never mind that. When I ask you to call me when you’re done and you immediately accuse me of having an attitude, then THERE’S A PROBLEM. I have better shyt to do. I work a lot. I work long hours and I’m tired at the end of my day. I could be sleeping but I’m up until the bewitching hour of “3:30am” with you, listening as you chat back and forth with your roommate. How self-centered and ego-maniacal can one person be that they demand all of your time? They’re just happy they have you and you’re officially theirs but never really take the time to know you beyond the scope of fucking you. You know where every single beauty mark is on my body. However you don’t know the kinds of things I get into. Girl what’s my favorite color? What’s my favorite food? Do I believe in God? Am I politician? What do I do on my days off? What are my thought processes? How much do I care about the world around me? What’s the relationship like between my parents and I? You loved me because I listened. I’m good at listening. However I’m human and sometimes I need someone to hear me out too. No I don’t need your pride to outweigh your judgment. I need you to hear me out and understand me. Stop taking offense to the things I say long enough to look at things from not just the Virgo perspective. I am and forever will be different from any other woman you have been with or will encounter. You don’t love me. Because to know me is to love me and you truly didn’t know me. Those who’ve known me have loved me and still do. They’re still there and can even tell when I’m hurting or something’s wrong without my saying anything. I wanted that kind of bond with you but it just ain’t happening.

 

p.s. I know you’ve known her for 10 years. But you’ve only known me a few months. You could’ve gave me the time of day

 

 

Today I ran a few errands. I like doing everything late. I don’t know why but I feel more energized when the sun goes down. I got some groceries – which, much to my chagrin – cost an arm and a leg. I really had no choice because stop & shop was the only grocer open in town. It’s New Years Day and everywhere in Bridgeport becomes a ghost town after a certain time. I called Aquafina. We spoke briefly about our plans for the day. She’s out shopping with her best friend / roommate. Our conversation was unusually polite like we’re each holding back feelings or things we would like to say.

Sometimes her head’s like Fort Knox. It’s pretty difficult to break in. There are however, those rare moments when she divulges the most intimate details of her child hood to me and seems so totally unabashed to recall such memories. It’s amazing; she seems to have been thru so much more in her life than I ever have. Yet, I’m the one with the chip on her shoulder. I can’t really seem to figure her out. There are instances where she speaks so freely with me about her past and then there are moments where she can’t trust me or she has that unmoving feeling that I’m cheating.