Mother’s Day

maybe I bust my ass trying to prove shit to people coz I’m really trying to prove shit to my mother.  You ever realized that you’re constantly trying to prove the reason for your existence to your mom?   Now I’m not going to say I don’t appreciate her.  But I feel like the little shit I do doesn’t amount to shit for her. I think that’s maybe why I find myself going above and beyond trying to better myself each day.  Trying to learn things, trying to keep an open mind just trying to be a better person.  Because who I was yesterday just is never enough for me.   Even in relationships I’m always trying to dig deeper to see if the person I’m with is really in love with me and not what they see on the outside.   I want to know that if one day I should become horribly disfigured I can survive on personality alone. But in reality does that shit ever happen?



Like I said at the beginning of the year – i guess it was my new years resolution – i will never shed a tear over another female again (unless she’s related to me).  I boohooed a lot over aqua.  I not only cried my eyes out but I cried all my feelings out.   Now they’re gone.  I care about her but it’s not the same as it was when we were first together.   She did and said some really fucked up things for the sake of being vindictive.   I still can’t wrap my finger around why or what aspects of my personality could bring out the worst in a person.   I’d been wracking my brain like crazy since our umpteenth break up and still I’m not able to come up with clues.   I know that I have a tendency to push folks away when they get too close.  But I’m not inhumane about it.   I don’t make you feel like less that shit.   I’m more or less indifferent.   What she did to me felt like she was striving to make me feel pain.   I guess maybe, she wanted to see if I could feel anything.    But I think it backfired because now – regardless of what she does – I’m impervious.  Can’t feel joy can’t feel pain, only indifference….  I care more about swine flu and the state of the G7 than this relationship

Forgetting Sarah Marshall – Coming Movie Database


Forgetting Sarah Marshall – Movie Database



This puts an almost comedic spin on having your heart ripped from your chest.    I caught myself watching this last night and kind of laughing at the similarities between this movie and my life.   I’m an underdog so I’m always the sucker for underdog movies like this one.   I think the most memorable scene is at the end when he tries to fuck her but just can’t get it up.    It’s like she sucked the life out of him.    It’s so funny because sometimes I feel that way about “her”  (the current who was once the former).   There’s just nothing there.   I avoid the sexual flirtation with her and at times it makes me wonder if I’m even still “gay”.  But what he says in the end  is so true:

Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so my cock doesn’t want to be around you anymore! Okay? EVER! Because you know what I just realized? You’re the goddamn devil!


Shyt maybe she is the damn devil.   Maybe my lackluster libido is a direct result of the she-devil castrating me (so to speak).    Yeah i know a female is not supposed to sound like that but honestly sometimes I can understand what males go thru.   More often than not that happens when I’m dating femmes.   She does her dirt then expects to walk back into your life like everything’s okay.   But to be honest, nothing’s okay because I can’t feel a damn thing anymore.   My words are empty and hers? well they’re just meaningless.