Like I said at the beginning of the year – i guess it was my new years resolution – i will never shed a tear over another female again (unless she’s related to me).  I boohooed a lot over aqua.  I not only cried my eyes out but I cried all my feelings out.   Now they’re gone.  I care about her but it’s not the same as it was when we were first together.   She did and said some really fucked up things for the sake of being vindictive.   I still can’t wrap my finger around why or what aspects of my personality could bring out the worst in a person.   I’d been wracking my brain like crazy since our umpteenth break up and still I’m not able to come up with clues.   I know that I have a tendency to push folks away when they get too close.  But I’m not inhumane about it.   I don’t make you feel like less that shit.   I’m more or less indifferent.   What she did to me felt like she was striving to make me feel pain.   I guess maybe, she wanted to see if I could feel anything.    But I think it backfired because now – regardless of what she does – I’m impervious.  Can’t feel joy can’t feel pain, only indifference….  I care more about swine flu and the state of the G7 than this relationship


  • meshia

    that’s a good question. I guess right now it’s convenient and there’s a part of me that misses being with her. I know that sounds crazy. But I’m getting used to habit. I can’t really foresee myself having to get to know someone new all over again and going thru the whole process of letting my guard down then wondering if I’m going to get fucked up in the process. So I stick with what I know.

  • Bella

    Convienent at what price? If someone belittles you and tries to make you feel like shit, why do they deserve to even breathe your air let alone share your bed? Girl, know that you’ll fix the situation in your own time, but I hope you don’t lose any of yourself in the process.

  • meshia

    I won’t lose myself. I’ve pretty much been taking time to build a better me. At the end of the day all you have to rely on is yourself.

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