Everything fueling our passion is Rage , Anger, and bloodlust.   Its what wages our wars, continues our strife and our struggles.  Most of us don’t even remember what we’re fighting for.   We lost sight of that decades ago. we raise our children in the same bloodlust and thirst for revenge and we expect everyone else to do better .   So I’ve come to understand the saying in the bible stands true.  Turn the other cheek.  It’s something that is hard for us as humans to do, but I think that if at some point one of us decides to  “be the bigger man” , our wars will end and we won’t lose so many of our innocent.   We are all human despite our differences.  Despite our varying beliefs.  

Why I refuse to go Home Unless Absolutely Necessary…..


“One morning, at about two o’clock my friend was at a dance in the community. He was enjoying himself and dancing when suddenly there was a gunshot and a bullet hit my friend in the back of his head. He turned around – and they shoot him in his face three more times. He fell and they shoot him as he lay on the ground. They then announced that I was next. Hearing that, I run from the community and have been moving from house to house trying to avoid homelessness…”


It makes it hard to embrace a culture whose first resolution to societal differences is violence.  Folks always took  Caribbean Homophobia for an old wives tale.  But I kid you not, this shyt is real.  I can almost understand why my brother left his gay cousin to the mercy of his attackers.   To even associate with gay men or women is in and of itself an unofficial crime.  often times  those perceived in the company of homosexuals fall victim to the same fates.   If you aren’t clear on the fate of a gay man or lesbian living in present-day Jamaica, then you should read the following : http://www.asylumlaw.org/docs/sexualminorities/worldpolicyinstitute_americas_LGBTrights.pdf


What’s so ironic is that the above graphic was originally intended to depict the diversity of this  Island I once called home.   But after doing some keyword searches on my old high school and neighboring schools I found that the lesbian traits I so staunchly exhibit are not exactly welcomed in my hometown or even my old high school.  It is almost a paradox that a culture known for it’s racial diversity would be such a huge proponent for anti-gay violence.  I’d call it homophobia but that wouldn’t be doing it justice.   So now here I sit with conflicting emotions.  Self hate swirling around in my mind because as a Jamaican I should definitely not be engaging in sexual intercourse with individuals of the same sex.  Am I supposed to hate who I am?  Hate my own sexuality?  Or am I supposed to renounce my own culture and background?  The place I called home for 13 years is no longer a haven for me and being so blatantly gay,  It would be remiss for me to make any attempts at moving back there.   

Sweethearts you have not known hardship until you’ve experienced what it’s like to grow up Gay in Jamaica.   I was gay before I even knew such a term existed and this smirk spreads across my face as I read the article on on homosexuality in High School (High school Girls Gone Gay!!).  I was a practicing Lesbian in Queens High School before the word or subject was ever broached in the Gleaner.   They talk about us like we’re infestations like we’re the bane of mankind.    How can a country so “diverse” uphold such a brazen disregard for human rights?   “Out of many one people” does not actually guarantee equal rights to the many does it?  Are we actually  One People? or does the fine print exclude gays and lesbians?  

So I won’t be going back unless it’s for a death in the family.  I’m boycotting Jamaica.

I know this isn’t the same as the one before me.  I trust that if her plate wasn’t so full things would be different.  But I don’t trust my own feelings and my own heart.  I’m breaking my own heart keeping things the way they are.  I can only get out now while the gettin’s good.   Perhaps the last thing she needed to hear at that time was  lets just take a step back.   But you know how Katt put it.  You got to look out for your star player. Right now my star player’s playing with injuries.  I kinda feel like there’s something there between them and deny it as she might.  You can’t go thru a roller coaster ride with someone you’re not in love with.   They can’t affect you like that.  My ex wanted me back and tho I love her I wasn’t in love with her and I guess that her coming back didn’t really phase me.  But I’m different from most.   Maybe love is all it takes for someone to push your buttons the way they do.   I don’t know.  But I do know that I can’t have myself in such a tight spot anymore.  This situation reminds me of the last in that “she swore there was nothing left”  then in the middle of what we had going who pops up but the ex.  Only difference here is at least this one’s honest.

Not Easily Broken

I’m reading a book “Not Easily Broken” by T.D. Jakes.  It gives me an alternative perspective on love triangles or the pre-existing attraction between the would-be infidel and mistress.   I say would-be because there isn’t a definitive line on when it becomes infidelity?  Is it wrong when the mental attraction develops or is it wrong when things become physical?    We’re all human we all tend to have our own wants needs and desires.  But when you’re in a marriage or committed relationship, How much is too much?   

I met this woman via the internet no doubt.   There is an attraction there but that’s all that it is .  

#1.  I’m not sure that I believe in long distance relationships anymore

#2.  When I met her she was with her gf/wife for 3.5 years.


They have kids together but have this open relationship when it comes to the internet.   So her significant other knew about me.   Without revealing too much information about their relationship, I’ll cut to the chase.   It ended.  Not necessarily because of me — or so I’m told— but because it was that time.   Now I’m not involved with this woman relationship-wise.  We are friends.   We confide in each other and that’s all one could ask for at this moment.   But her ex acts as if I broke their relationship apart.   As if i came in and snatched her from her grip.


Now I feel like the “other woman” even though it wasn’t my intention and it doesn’t help that she mentions my name every  chance she can get with her Ex. 


It almost has me feeling as if I’m a pawn.  As if my being everything her ex is not was the secret ingredient in winning over her affections.   I can’t help but to ask If I’m playing myself.    The strongest points of my personality are also the weaker aspects of her ex’s personality.  


Sidebar:   She reads this blog from time to time and I would like her to know that this post isn’t meant to reveal intimate details of her relationship or denigrate her character.  


i suppose this makes me a lame to some. but I haven’t been on the club scene in like a year or 2.  I guess I’m tired of the empty faces only good for great head or stunts in bed.   There’s nothing really fulfilling about that.  After a while mindless head gets old. Naw I’m not into the scene for the mere matchmaking element but it would be nice to find some stimulating convo here n there.  Now who’s gonna find that kinda mental caress in a club with sweaty bodies drunken stupors and music blaring from the speakers?  

I’ve grown weary of the mindless freaks that clutter my address book ( i mean my sidekick) and I’m wanting something new.   I want to be taken to new heights of consciousness and to have my mind turned inside out and to suffer mental implosions of  epiphanies so sublime Ghandi would need babelfish to to get on my level.   Shyt i want a chick so much on a another level , I—like my friend kay would say–would need a space ship to be on the same wavelength.   And once I get there, Ain’t no comin back.  Ain’t no lookin down. I’m on Saturns rings for eternity.


it hurts really bad when you want someone to love you just as much as you love them and the love’s unrequited.  That rejection is felt to the core of your inner being and it follows you everywhere.   It turns into this nagging never undulating fear that you will one day encounter rejection again.   So you pretty much harden your heart so that even rejection won’t phase you. But now it’s not so much phasing you as it is, alienating you. Alienating the people who care and who want to be there.   You end up lonely.   You can’t let go of your fear.  So all you have at the end of your day is….You.   So how do you adjust to the  new threesome (me, myself, and I)?   You start over, falling in love with you and re-discovering you.   And when your relationship with you is solid.  When you’ve attained that newfound appreciation for you.  That’s when your heart melts.  That’s when you become human.  That’s when you can love again and that’s when you overcome your fear.


I am Not Easily Broken!!