Some days I wake up on the opposite side wishing being gay was an everyday occurrence. I wake up wishing it wasn’t an issue people had to march and rally at city hall for. Like gay was just as normal as being Black or as Being White or as Being Human. In our own eyes it is an innate part of our being. But everyday we struggle. Reactions seem to vary. “Oh you’re gay!? That’s so cool !” or “You’re Gay, what dude fucked you over?” Because it’s just not normal for a girl to grow up liking other girls unless she went thru some sort of traumatic experience with a man. In truth, I have always been different. It had nothing to do with rejection by men. It just took me a really long time to as they say – put a finger on it. But like I said it’s not a normal everyday occurrence now it it? The church spits venom in our direction. They don’t want us married. They don’t want us raising children. So when I’m at my cousins wedding and I see how happy he is with his new bride and I look at his siblings and their spouses and their families, I’m envious. Not of their heterosexual relationships but of the sense of normalcy they all seem to have. Wherein I can’t just take my girlfriend to Thanksgiving and announce “we’re getting married” without having bottles tossed in my direction. Everyone wants to grow old and grey with someone but it seems as if it’s even harder to do when you’re old grey and gay.
I was supposed to call Dad on Saturday. I’d made a silent vow a few weeks back that he’d hear from me. I love my Dad but he talks too much. I’m not the chatterbox type and I can’t stand people who talk too much. Which probably explain why I don’t use the phone often to call folks and why I’m so difficult to deal with in Long Distance relationships. My tongue –being the two-edged sword that it is – has always been my one flaw. So I choose to use it less. I’ve never quite known how to use tact when expressing my feelings or voicing an opinion which can sometimes prove fatal to any conversation to be had. As the old adage goes: “if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all.”
What makes you so special?……
Still nothing can fill the void in my heart. My loins follow my heart and will ultimately find satisfaction in my hearts content. I’ve look at most of the women in my life. Past or Present and asked, What makes you so special? I know that I’m searching for the impossible but my quest continues. I’d like her to be:
- Well put together
- Wise beyond her years
- Laidback but with a touch of class. Not necessarily elitist class but by no means AMORAL.
- She loves to cook (a girl after my own Heart).
- She’s ambitious
- She’s supportive
- She’s objective
- She cares about her appearance but isn’t overtly vain.
- sensitive to the touch. But strong when you need her to be
Maybe my prerequisites are too much. In fact, they are. But a girl can dream
The list of things I do not need:
- mutability (she should just be. but not mold herself to be)
I’m not at the helm of the blogging community. No one died and dubbed me “Maya Angelou” or “Toni Morrison” for that matter. But there are just a few things that get my goat.
- Inflammatory Blogs
- Blogs chocked full-a-ADS and pop-ups.
- and the oh-so-annoying Vogue quiz Magazines.
Is this all that sums up your existence? Your Maury Povich lifestyle and your “how to keep your man/woman questionnaires”.
- Epic Realizations
- Range - Broadened Horizons
This is what lets us know we exist for a reason.
Things didn’t go exactly as planned this year. I was supposed to move to DC or VA but then bossman pulled a switch on us. We all lost our jobs with the exception of “P” who was offered a position in VA. Actually S and C quit before their exit dates. Under the seemingly depressing circumstances, I found some semblance of a blessing in that I’ve moved on to bigger and better ventures with God’s help. I’m now working on a trial basis with the local cable company which for me is a step in the right direction(It’ll look good on my Resume). If all goes well then I should be seeing a sizeable increase in my pay. Besides the pay being an added incentive, I’m finding more motivation from working in a much more efficient and well-structured environment. There’s something about working with individuals who possess an equally strong work ethic that gets the Juices flowing. For the past year I’d found myself to be as some would call it; “JADED”. But now, I’m hauling ass to get to work and finding myself wanting to give 110% once again. For the first time I’m actually working for an enterprise who cares about the needs and rights of the “little people” and I gotta tell ya; This shit feels good!!