Paradox

The paradox that is me.   or maybe it isn’t a paradox after all.  There is such a thing as a Gay Christian isn’t there?   I’ve been trying to make these tiny little changes in my life.   A bible verse to start or end the day gives me a sense of direction as I’ve been miserably flailing like a fish out of water for the past 7 years.   I remember being as sure of myself as I was of my own footing on solid ground .   But I was 7 years younger and 20 lbs Lighter then.   Today, the notions that swim around in my brain consist of  deep theological processes;

 

  • Why am I here?
  • Why are we here?
  • Where will I go when I die?

 

The more the days progress, the more people pass away the more I wonder  where I’ll be tomorrow or even in the next 5 minutes.   Should my sojourn end tomorrow or next week, will I have accomplished my divine purpose?   If so, what is it?   I’d hate to think of myself as being a useless waste of space.    I do know that all the experiences I’ve had—the Highs and the Lows—should amount to something more than just everyday occurrence.   But exactly what?   So I continue to read a scripture each day.   Yesterday I read Genesis 40 1-14, 23 (as instructed by Our Daily Bread).  The moral of the passage was “be patient when waiting for what God has in store for you”.   But I tried to fit it into my own existence.   I tried to piece things together using those verses.   I assumed it meant that I should exercise more patience in general.   I know that I’m typically prone to anger and that I can be quick-tempered and I thought It unusually ironic today when troubleshooting with a customer who remarked on how patient I was.    It almost felt like I was having an out-of-body experience.    There was no crying, no frustration.  Just the soothing almost-monotone voice that women in general have come to know and love.   Still it surprises me because despite the soothing tone, I know that I can be quick-tempered, cynical and sarcastic.   I guess I can chalk it up to God working through me.   Hopefully one day,  I’ll be a different person.  Maybe one day I’ll come full circle

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