The paradox that is me. or maybe it isn’t a paradox after all. There is such a thing as a Gay Christian isn’t there? I’ve been trying to make these tiny little changes in my life. A bible verse to start or end the day gives me a sense of direction as I’ve been miserably flailing like a fish out of water for the past 7 years. I remember being as sure of myself as I was of my own footing on solid ground . But I was 7 years younger and 20 lbs Lighter then. Today, the notions that swim around in my brain consist of deep theological processes;
- Why am I here?
- Why are we here?
- Where will I go when I die?
The more the days progress, the more people pass away the more I wonder where I’ll be tomorrow or even in the next 5 minutes. Should my sojourn end tomorrow or next week, will I have accomplished my divine purpose? If so, what is it? I’d hate to think of myself as being a useless waste of space. I do know that all the experiences I’ve had—the Highs and the Lows—should amount to something more than just everyday occurrence. But exactly what? So I continue to read a scripture each day. Yesterday I read Genesis 40 1-14, 23 (as instructed by Our Daily Bread). The moral of the passage was “be patient when waiting for what God has in store for you”. But I tried to fit it into my own existence. I tried to piece things together using those verses. I assumed it meant that I should exercise more patience in general. I know that I’m typically prone to anger and that I can be quick-tempered and I thought It unusually ironic today when troubleshooting with a customer who remarked on how patient I was. It almost felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. There was no crying, no frustration. Just the soothing almost-monotone voice that women in general have come to know and love. Still it surprises me because despite the soothing tone, I know that I can be quick-tempered, cynical and sarcastic. I guess I can chalk it up to God working through me. Hopefully one day, I’ll be a different person. Maybe one day I’ll come full circle