Agoraphobia

is a bitch when you’re me.   Shit it’s a bitch when you’re anybody.   I’ve gone beyond the realms of introversion.  I’ve developed this aversion to traveling outdoors lately.  No meesh didn’t go out for new years eve or Christmas eve for that matter.   I keep thinking impending doom lay waits me.   I avoid large crowds and celebrations.   Even though i miss the partying and I miss the events.   But shit it’s a recession out there and it’s not like I can afford to blow money anyway.   I’ve seen middle class folks panhandling on the streets.It makes shit all the more real to me because one day that could be me and that one day doesn’t even seem so far away.   So I’m penny-pinching like a motherfucker.  

But that’s enough of that.   Lately I’ve been mulling over my own sexuality.   See  I sort of ran into an ex boyfriend from 10 years ago on the internet and it broached some serious questions in my mind.   Ok I’m lying the questions were there b4 he came around.   it just seemed like kismet.    I haven’t actually done it yet, but I’m wondering if there’s anyway I’d go back to schlepping men.  Don’t get me wrong,  I’m still attracted to females but I think that father time’s telling me I need some semblance of normalcy in my life and how much normalcy can a chick get marrying another chick.   I’m not against gay marriage but I just don’t think it’s my cup of tea.    And no, the lesbian thing wasn’t some kind of pre-designed stint.   I just find that I’m in a state of emotional confusion at this point and I’m thinking that my leaning towards the opposite sex could be due in part to my not wanting so much intimacy and wanting to remain closed off.  And lets’ face it men are popular for  the “not giving a shit” just like I am.   Considering I haven’t actually been with a male in 10 years I wouldn’t even know how to go about fucking a dude again.    And if I were to undertake such a task (and a task it is),  wouldn’t it just be a sham.   I don’t know that I could feel real love for any man.   I haven’t come across one thus far that I’d carve my heart out for.   I’ve never shed tears over a man b4 but I’ve shed lots of saline over women.   They seem to have a far more mind boggling effect on me than men and I guess that’s why I’m leaning back towards the opposite sex.

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6 Replies to “Agoraphobia”

  1. What a shame! A beautiful, intelligent, strong-minded, egotistical nubian queen straight from the mythical Isle of Lesbos – what a WASTE! I still am thankful for the day we took notice of each other, since we never could agree on the day we actually met. Sighs and shakes of my head are all I can give when I think to myself…what COULD have been. I am still here. Always will be.

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