The Wages of Sin

Romans 8:6 (New International Version)

6The mind of sinful man[a] is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;

Having spent many years in search of fulfillment, I’ve finally grown to understand the meaning of this verse.   You see when I was without God, I was empty inside looking to fill the void.  I  spent many days depressed and in mourning not knowing wat it was exactly that I was mourning.  Even when I chased after the momentary pleasures of the flesh, there was still this void that needed to be filled.   My soul was still in turmoil.   I was never happy.  I was always miserable.  I always felt as if I were alone in my own personal hell.  I was never satisfied.  And then I found my way back to Jesus and I found true happiness and true purpose.   So I’m now able to break this verse down.   The death that Paul speaks about in Romans is that void we spend our lives trying to fill.   It’s not just a literal death but a figurative one.   We are nothing  more than mollusks roaming the earth until we choose to believe in God’s plan for us.  Until we choose to believe that God sent his only son to cover us in grace by being the propitiation for our sins. 

 9You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. 10But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

The life that the Spirit bestows upon you is none other than the feeling of joy and completion in knowing that the Lord is with you every step of the way.  Guiding your footsteps and allowing you to come out of the muck and mire.   It is the ultimate high.  It is what we’ve spent the majority of our lives trying to find on our own terms.  and would you believe, that had it not been for Jesus laying down his life for our sins we would never know the joy of God?  It is amazing how his grace covers us after all the wrongs we have done.   For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

My dilemma;  I’ve always approached things with a lot of  attitude and pride.  It’s my defense mechanism when I don’t want to be rejected or scoffed at.  It’s been set in place ever since I was a young girl.  I remember a day when I was a child that I’d got up to share a testimony at church.  I was maybe 9 or 10 years old.  Mom and Liz had been fighting a lot and Liz had left the house.   I remember praying “Dear God, please bring my sister back. Please send her home”.  A few months later she was home.  As I’m writing this, I am fighting back the tears.   It was so simple a request but it meant the world to me that God had answered my prayers back then.  I didn’t even really know how to pray; I mean not the same way my Grandmother prayed.  But God had answered my prayers.  That’s when I knew God loved me.   That’s when I knew God loved and still Loves all his children.   It’s when I knew that God did not discriminate.   So I got up in church that Sunday and I shared my testimony.   Elated, that God took the time out to hear one little girl’s prayer.   I mean after  all that, who needs Santa Claus?


Anyway after church let out, I went to meet up with the Miller kids.   See they were a family in my Grandmothers neighborhood who were pretty well -known and faithfully attended church every Sunday and even on some weekdays.  I kind of looked up to them because they were (in my eyes) such devout Christians.   But when the  whispers started and the snickering began that Sunday after church, I was made to feel like the world’s biggest fool.    It made me feel like maybe they thought I didn’t deserve to have God answer my prayers.  Like maybe they thought I was wasting God’s time with trivial requests.   I mean these kids were “prayer warriors”  and I was the daughter of a woman who worked nights @ a night club in New Kingston.  But ever since then I’d developed a knack for making my self unapproachable.   Saying that I was/am aloof would be an understatement. 


No one really knows how to take me because they’re not sure if I’ll snap their heads off or ignore them.   But it’s become the thorn in my side because now I’m at a point in my life where I have to relearn how to treat people.  


But now I need more than ever to be able to sit down with someone and spill my guts.  I need to be able to spill the beans about what I’m feeling in my heart and where I need my life to go.   I’ll admit I need Christian counseling and guidance but I simply haven’t got the heart to ask for it without sounding downright demanding.  I’ve spent the better part of the last 2 years trying to make it so no one would talk to me or even approach me for friendship or otherwise.   I’ve kept my emotions and my feelings under lock and key for so long that I think the lock’s rusted shut. But I know that I need guidance and I know that I need someone who is  passionate about Serving God to point me in the right direction  to help me with my bible study and to be my confidante.    But I don’t even know where to start,  Maybe I should start with Church on Sunday and see where the day takes me. 

The Chicken? or The Egg?

Genesis 1:1-26 (New International Version)

Genesis 1
The Beginning

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

2 Now the earth was [a] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

6 And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." 7 So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. 8 God called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.

9 And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. 10 God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.

14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. 16 God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.

20 And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." 21 So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 22 God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth." 23And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.

24 And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. 25 God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.

26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, [b] and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

Here I was reading this scripture  again.  it’s been about 20 years since I last read it.  I remember not quite understanding everything it meant.  Especially the part that says “according to their kind”.  To expound upon that statement I believe God intended for each creature and living thing to procreate , spawning replicas of the first.  So when you think about it, you also have to think about whose image or “kind” we were created in.  Verse 26 goes on to describe how we were made in God’s image.  I find it amazing that  God thought that much of us to create us in his Image.  Not the image of a cow or hen but in God’s Image. Our truly omnipotent alpha and omega thought enough of man to make him into his likeness. In a nutshell we are his namesakes.    Yet this is something we take for granted each day.   We are so haughty and puffed up that if it were up to us we would discredit God and  credit ourselves for our own existence.  It saddens me that we live in a world where there is no more room for God in our hearts and minds,in our homes in our careers.   We have spent pretty much the majority of our time weaning ourselves into Demigods and excluding God from our lives when he is due all the Glory and praise.   Imagine  how great the world would be if in fact we were to live our lives as Christ did.    I have spent a good majority of my adult life looking for happiness and fulfillment in all the wrong places.  Innately I believed that If i were to meet a certain objective, I would feel fulfilled.  The bible says “lean not unto thine own understanding” .  But I spent almost every waking hour trying to compartmentalize all aspects of my life.  Beit my love life or my friendships , I had to be in charge.   I had to have the upper hand.  I wanted this girl to love me or that guy to love me so I could feel whole again. And when they did love me or when they did show me love,  I still felt empty on the inside.   I still felt like something was missing.  I never truly found happiness until I found my way back to Jesus.  That in and of itself is proof positive that living my life for Jesus is meant to be a part of my divine make-up.   I was made in his image, therefore I must act accordingly.  

Count Your Blessings

I’ve made it my business to count my blessings.  So I’d like to share with you one of the primary headaches I’ve dealt with over the past few months.  I’ve fallen victim to some harsh circumstance of late and each day that I make my way to work or whatever prospective destination it dawns on me that any day now I could lose the few blessings that I do have.   There have been so many other people I’ve come across, who are down on their luck or going thru extremely rough times.  Yet here it is’ I’ve spent the last 10 years or so griping about what I don’t have.   I’d never really been satisfied because I chose at some point to exclude Jesus from my life and I’ve been on this quest to find happiness, only I was looking in all the wrong places.   What I failed to realize is that Jesus is my portion and though I may not see it, he has blessed me with so much more than I give him credit for.   So lately I’ve taken notice of things that I would usually be oblivious to; like the homeless man around the corner scrounging for food in the garbage or the foreclosure sign on the house next door.  The concept hasn’t escaped me that tomorrow that might be me on that corner digging thru the garbage or that any day now that could be my house with the foreclosure sign on it.     We spend so many hours of our days enveloped in our own 360 degrees, that we miss the big picture.   I vow never to lose myself like that ever again.

National Debt Contributors.

Now this is a road less traveled when it comes to posting blog entries.   However, I just felt I had to document it today because It is a blatant travesty that 48 yr old adults are much less adept at handling financial matters than some 20 yr olds.   As you may well know, I work for a bank and along came a true test of patience today.    The former (48 yr old) calls in about her account being severely overdrawn due in part to several overdraft fees assessed on the account.   These fees are a result of gross negligence.  The woman started going overdrawn on 7/16/2010 and just never bothered to check her account balance in the ensuing 2 weeks.   Here it is, I had a 20 yr old girl call me 2 days prior asking to check her balance just to make sure she did not go over the amount available to her.  Not only was she checking her balance she was comparing it against her check registry.  20 yrs Old with a baby voice and already financially adept wherein this 48 yr old could’nt’ be bothered to even keep tabs on her account.  This was her reply to me when I asked her about checking her balance “I simply work too many hours in the day.  I do not have time”.  

I mean are we serious?  This is but an example of the idiocy i encounter on a daily basis.  It’s also a reason why my struggle is so difficult when it comes to having patience.     Please pray for me that I might overcome these vices.

Spiritual Improvement Checklist II

I guess this is something we should add to the  checklist:


Your First Name of: Meshia


  • Your name of Meshia has created a practical, responsible, stable nature, and you desire to direct the efforts of others rather than to take order or ask permission.
  • You have a determined, self-reliant, capable nature and resent any interference, although in your desire to help you are inclined to become involved in the lives and decisions of other people.
  • You like to make your own decisions and to be the master of your domain.
  • You feel a limitation in your own expression when it is necessary to reach another through tact and understanding.
  • Although the name Meshia creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it causes a blunt expression that alienates others.
  • This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses through worry, mental tension, and tension or accidents to the head.

Pigs are flying

That being the case, ladies what would you do if your man just acted like he didn’t’ give a f#@k?   If you’re talking to him about the status of your  relationship that he admittedly says he cherishes, and he falls asleep how would you handle that?  Do you flip the light switch?  Do you just take a mental hiatus?  Spend time with self?  Get the f%^k-em Dress on and do your Single ladies dance?   What is it that you do to take the edge off?  short of having an affair.  Sleeping with someone else isn’t gone make you feel better.  yes I know your shaking your head and saying “leave him” but like that dog sitting on that nail  I guess I jus ain’ hurtin enough.    I decided to leave him without leaving him.   I’m taking a little hiatus all by my lonesome.  Call it a spiritual journey if you will.   He will miss me and I will miss him but I figure it’s the best way to clear my mind.  And maybe when I come back I’ll decide   there’s something better out there for me (and perhaps pigs will fly).


Pigs are flying because, I’ve left him and decided to follow God.  You know when you’re so smitten you tend to make that one person your whole world?  Well God is a Jealous God and we all remember that commandment right?

   3Thou shalt have no other gods before me. (Exodus 20:3, King James Version)

This is me. A crazy eclectic opinionated smart mouth chica born in Jamaica, Raised in New York. Living –and so desperately trying to escape the ills of suburban living– in Connecticut.



Maybe I’m no longer trying to escape the ills.  Ct is my safety net until the walls come tumbling down.    I’m still here trying to keep this house afloat when I’d much rather keep a room afloat or an apartment afloat.  My bro lives here with his son on a part time basis  and the tenants are moving out. We’re down to 2 now.

but I’m just not in the mood to deal with the different personalities.   I’m never in the mood for that and I suppose that makes me a Grinch.   I’ve been praying about it though. Because I know I’m mean and unapproachable.  I’ve been praying for God to make a change in me. I have faith that he will, but at times i fear the worst because I’ve invested so much time in being a jerk.    It’s just my way of foregoing rejection and/or ridicule

I bring you FRANKENMEESH the monster I created who now I need Gods help to tear down.

Principalities and Powers

I’ve been having this Internal Struggle for the past week or so. I want nothing more than to do what is right and pleasing in the sight of the Lord. But there is a struggle going on within me. I’d been perplexed all week wondering how to solve this issue and here it was the answer was right in front of me. This, in and of itself is proof that God knows our hearts and though sometimes we find ourselves inarticulate (as I have), he truly knows what is heavy on our minds. So this entire week Ephesians chapter 6 has been standing out to me. In my daily sojourn I’ve come across that particular chapter and verse 12. But I never quite knew how to apply it to my present situation. So I asked God in earnest to reveal the answers I needed through the Holy Spirit and he told me to continue reading my bible and continue praying. Well tonight I decided to start an entry blogging about the very thing that’s been troubling me all week. See My faith hasn’t been as strong as it used to be when I was 17 years old. 14 years have since passed and I’ve seen so much. Maybe not as much as other people. But I’ve seen and experienced so many things that I’ve become cynical. There are 2 halves at war within me. One half would like to believe in simple miracles. The other half that’s puffed up with pride would like to explain them away. So there you have it my struggle between Faith and worldly skepticism. Yet I didn’t quite know how to approach this struggle until I read Ephesians 6:10 – 18:

10Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. 11Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. 13Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. 14Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; 15And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. 17And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: 18Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

It seems as if I’ve tested God each day by asking for an answer to the questions in my mind. Asking for answers to prove that he’s really there for me and that he really cares despite how unworthy I am. And once again he has proven himself to me which lets me know that I should never ever doubt God.

What should I do differently?

Every day lately, I’ve been wondering if I’m doing what’s right in the sight of the Lord. Sometimes he reveals to me a sign that I’m on the right path. On other occasions, it’s like i’m totally clueless. For me I guess what i’m looking to regain is that childlike faith I used to have. I mean I believe that God will answer my prayers don’t get me wrong. But I guess I tend to rush him. We all know that’s not right because he works in his own timing and though we might think he’s supposed to answer us immediately, his timing is usually perfect. I remember now that there are often times at which he works his wonders and I am mystified as to how everything unfolds. I think that maybe I take that for granted sometimes and that what I should realize, is that I could never do this on my own. My week hasn’t been that great, but I would think it has to do with me lying last week. I’ve been taught a lesson that “what ye reap, ye shall sow”. And now that I’ve been debased (once again) , I’m just getting back on that spiritual bicycle to ride again. What I need to ask God is ” in the face of these trials, what should I be doing different?”