African American

My dilemma;  I’ve always approached things with a lot of  attitude and pride.  It’s my defense mechanism when I don’t want to be rejected or scoffed at.  It’s been set in place ever since I was a young girl.  I remember a day when I was a child that I’d got up to share a testimony at church.  I was maybe 9 or 10 years old.  Mom and Liz had been fighting a lot and Liz had left the house.   I remember praying “Dear God, please bring my sister back. Please send her home”.  A few months later she was home.  As I’m writing this, I am fighting back the tears.   It was so simple a request but it meant the world to me that God had answered my prayers back then.  I didn’t even really know how to pray; I mean not the same way my Grandmother prayed.  But God had answered my prayers.  That’s when I knew God loved me.   That’s when I knew God loved and still Loves all his children.   It’s when I knew that God did not discriminate.   So I got up in church that Sunday and I shared my testimony.   Elated, that God took the time out to hear one little girl’s prayer.   I mean after  all that, who needs Santa Claus?


Anyway after church let out, I went to meet up with the Miller kids.   See they were a family in my Grandmothers neighborhood who were pretty well -known and faithfully attended church every Sunday and even on some weekdays.  I kind of looked up to them because they were (in my eyes) such devout Christians.   But when the  whispers started and the snickering began that Sunday after church, I was made to feel like the world’s biggest fool.    It made me feel like maybe they thought I didn’t deserve to have God answer my prayers.  Like maybe they thought I was wasting God’s time with trivial requests.   I mean these kids were “prayer warriors”  and I was the daughter of a woman who worked nights @ a night club in New Kingston.  But ever since then I’d developed a knack for making my self unapproachable.   Saying that I was/am aloof would be an understatement. 


No one really knows how to take me because they’re not sure if I’ll snap their heads off or ignore them.   But it’s become the thorn in my side because now I’m at a point in my life where I have to relearn how to treat people.  


But now I need more than ever to be able to sit down with someone and spill my guts.  I need to be able to spill the beans about what I’m feeling in my heart and where I need my life to go.   I’ll admit I need Christian counseling and guidance but I simply haven’t got the heart to ask for it without sounding downright demanding.  I’ve spent the better part of the last 2 years trying to make it so no one would talk to me or even approach me for friendship or otherwise.   I’ve kept my emotions and my feelings under lock and key for so long that I think the lock’s rusted shut. But I know that I need guidance and I know that I need someone who is  passionate about Serving God to point me in the right direction  to help me with my bible study and to be my confidante.    But I don’t even know where to start,  Maybe I should start with Church on Sunday and see where the day takes me. 

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