Lean Not Unto your own Understanding

I haven’t come back here lately because I’m at a loss for words. It might be quite easy to write enlightening and idealistic posts but in reality it tends to alienate the average human. I know I’m not perfect and thus far I’ve been recording my epiphanies and my moments of progress. However, what I’ve failed to record are the weaknesses.

To protect the not-so-innocent, I’ll be using a few pseudonyms. It’s 4:15am on Sept 8th and I haven’t had much sleep for the past 2 weeks. So many things have occurred to test my patience and my faith. In some cases, I’ve managed to retain my faith in God and ultimately witnessed his work in my life. In others, I’ve come this close (put’s fingers together) to allowing my impulses to rule. My mom was homeless for the last two weeks for reasons I won’t begin to expound on. I just know that it was heartbreaking to see a woman who’s spent the better part of her life giving others the clothes off her back go without shelter. So throughout, I’ve experienced bouts of bitterness rage and helplessness. She was all the way in Florida and here I was in CT sitting up in my bed in my house. The thought never escaped me that while I had somewhere to rest my head, my mom did not and it hurt to know that there wasn’t much I could do to change her situation. But that feeling was only temporary because God proved once again, that he does hear our cries. While I was helpless, I still had God and God was who I sought in order to pull my mother out of the storm. I sought him in earnest, praying and meditating on his word day and night, night and day. And so, one day she calls me and says “Meesh, I’ve found a place to live”. And for that, I was ecstatic but it still chagrined me to know that this was even allowed to happen. The circumstances leading up to it were a constant source of rage over the past 2 weeks. There were so many negative thoughts I wanted to express and there were times when I wanted to take matters into my own hands, hop on the next red eye and land myself a starring role on America’s Most Wanted but I, thru the strength of God, refrained. Any self respecting warm-blooded human being would have been in Florida dukin it out with my Brothers Wife; Ms Cruella Deville. If your “sister-in-law” threatened bodily harm to your mom and threw her out of the house, you’d want to have her fitted for a body bag too. And Lord Knows I DID. But God in his infinite wisdom told me to be patient and trust in him and that is what I did and it is what I will do. All things considered, I am both thankful and relieved that God has answered my prayers and found shelter for my Mom once again proving that he is indeed an Awesome God.

Maybe it’s a given to most, but my Mom is my life. She is the one person I would probably give my life for. So when someone hurts her it’s tantamount to taking a stab at me. It’s hard not to react to that. But at the end of the day I’ll leave you with these passages:

Proverbs 3:5,6 – Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Matthew 6:30 (New International Version)

30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

2 Replies to “Lean Not Unto your own Understanding”

  1. Once again I have come to look for you, seek you out – as it were – and find out just how life is treating you. I am so sorry to read about your family troubles but my heart is quite glad for your heart’s joy in the Lord. One thing I have yet to discern, however, is how such a bright, intelligent woman such as yourself (so evidently well poised and versed in God’s love) repeatedly chooses to cut off her nose to spite her face. There are people who have communicated with you, have come to care about you, who want nothing from you (as far as material things go anyway) which you have turned your back on and refuse to turn back toward. Yes, I am speaking of myself. But not just me – there are others and I’m sure you know of whom I speak. Our lifestyles may not match yours (did they really ever?), our outlooks may not be in sync with yours (did THEY really ever?), but something made us kindred spirits in the first place and in my opinion THAT thing still exists. Sure, you can sit there and rationalize how ‘wrong’ and ‘sinful’ it was for you or us to be in the places or situations where u met us each. You could climb up on a soapbox and preach to the masses that had you been following God’s will all along you would never have met any of us. However, two things are certain. First – God has, does and will send the saints to the gathering places of the sinners in order to bring the rest of his lost ‘sheep’ back into the fold. Second, there was much more going on where you met us all than sin. No, I did not come here to read you the riot act. No, I have not come to condemn you. Nor have I come to point at you and heckle. Rather I have come, as I always come, to check on you, make sure you are well in body, mind and spirit, and to continue to offer my hand in friendship to a woman who so dazzled my intellect that even after more than a year without contact I am still quite drawn. I will continue to pray for you and yours and will always think of you in the highest regard. Your friend, Me.

  2. look NOBODY IS CLIMBING UP ON A SOAP BOX AND PREACHING. IF YOU’VE READ THE SYNOPSIS OF MY BLOG IT’S FOR MY BENEFIT ONLY. IF PEOPLE OPT TO LIVE THEIR LIVES THE WAY I HAVE THAT IS THEIR PREROGATIVE. BUT DON’T YOU PROCEED TO JUDGE ME BECAUSE I MADE AN OBVIOUS DECISION TO STEP AWAY FROM THAT LIFE. THAT IS MY PERSONAL DECISION AND MY CHOICE AS IT IS YOURS TO STAY IN IT. I NEVER PASSED JUDGEMENT ON YOU, SO DON’T PROCEED TO PASS JUDGEMENT ON ME BECAUSE YOU’RE FEELING OR GROWING A CONSCIENCE. NOW UNTIL YOU CAN COME TO ME CORRECT THERE IS NO HOPE OF ME CONTINUING ANY DIALOGUE WITH YOU. DO FEEL FREE TO BYPASS MY BLOG WHEN YOU HAPPEN ACROSS IT. AND AS FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT ME, NO ONE HAS MADE AN EFFORT TO REACH OUT TO ME WITH THE EXCEPTION OF YOU who seem to have A BAD CASE OF FOOT-IN-MOUTH DISEASE EVERYTIME YOU COME ACROSS MY BLOG. Actually besides you the only person who’s been there is evan. And she seems to be the only person who wasn’t judging me just because i went STRAIGHT. does it burn you to know that I’M HETERO. IS IT MAKING YOUR SKIN SHRIVEL? ARE YOU LOSING YOUR BREATH BECAUSE I MENTIONED THE WORD HETEROSEXUAL? WELL THAT’S JUST LOVELY. LIKE THE SAYING GOES… BUILD A BRIDGE. Oddly when I came out the closeT years ago. none of my hetero friens had a problem with it. But you switch back and Your gay friends (as they would like to call themselves) have the gall to sit and discuss you. nobody’s called me to see if I’m alive or to even know what i’ve been thru and yet you have the nerve to say I turned my BACK. you and YOUR FRIENDS DO NOT KNOW ME nor –it appears — will you ever. YES YOUR FRIENDS because I HAVE YET TO HEAR FROM THEM.

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