On Thursday I removed another scrap of paper from the Prayer Box Terique gave me.   I found a Job which I start on Monday.  Yet I can’t help feeling melancholy ( and guilty because of it).   I know I should be happy but the one thing I want in this world, I cannot have.   Often we take for granted those we have around us. Especially, our siblings and we just don’t realize that one day we could lose them.  Let’s face it, its not like you can just go to the store and buy a new one to replace the one you lost.   We can do that with possessions but not people.  You might want to cherish the people you have in your life while you still have them.   set aside your petty squabbles and fights and just enjoy each others company.  I feel equally bad because I should be giving thanks for the doors God has opened for me but yet I’d trade it in  an instant for my brother.   I have to wonder if I’m ever going to stop feeling this way.   I would’ve traded my life for his when it came down to it because there was so much he has done and wanted to do.  I pray God will forgive me for my lackluster attitude.   I just don’t see how I’m going to get on without my bro.   

Requiem of a dream

sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever stop.  If I will ever get over losing my brother. some days it’s bearable. other days it’s not.  and I wonder if one day that will all change.   If one day I’ll stop crying.  everywhere i go i see fleeting reminders of him and I think of what could have been but never was.   Please God tell me if the pain will end

Grabbing life by the horns

This morning I uttered a simple prayer and then it all came rushing back to me.  Everything!  How I could Help myself..  How I could help Terique.   (He’s got his moments when he’s down too).    I think that God answered a multitude of prayers in one fell swoop.  Prayers I didn’t know I’d been asking.   There are a few things  I’ve identified about my depression:

 

  1. I’m alone down here
  2. I’m listless
  3. I have no value.  

 

Those are the main issues i encounter.   Quite the defeatist attitude if you ask me.  But in praying and poring things over  God  (and Chavon) gave me my answers.  Maybe I’m not working now but I could  do some volunteer work.  Cure for loneliness – Volunteer work places me around other like-minded individuals and gives me the opportunity to socialize and meet people in a positive setting.   Cure for Listlessness (is that a word?) – it presents an opportunity to occupy my free time. Cure for worthlessness – It also helps me to feel better about my self because I’d be doing something that was worthwhile.  

 

Baggage

Have you ever felt that when you love someone it did more harm than good.   In re-evaluating myself and my circumstance, I discovered that I’ve been a horrible friend when times are hard.    No I’m not talking about a fair weather friend.   Or maybe I am…. I just realized that I react differently to people when I’m not where I want to be.  Currently I’m not working and I’m feeling listless.  I don’t want to work just for the money but for the feeling of doing something worthwhile and every moment spent here feels like another minute wasted.   I’m sitting here watching my life flit before my eyes and wondering what I could contribute to my 360 degrees.  I’ve cried out to God so often and yet it’s not enough to allay my fears.  My demons tell me I’m not going to make it and that I’m a failure and often times I’ve contemplated suicide.  Not to worry, the answer always is turn to Jesus.   I don’t want to spend an eternity in damnation just because I was too weak to field the blows life’s been dishing out.   But it doesn’t mean I can ignore my situation.  I find it so daunting that I close myself off to friends or I’m overly defensive and emotional  whenever someone says anything to me.   So if i haven’t pushed you way I probably am trying to push you away without realizing it.  But God knows that solace is not what I need at this moment.   Some take comfort in solace. others.. in keeping their hands and minds occupied.  I’m the latter

The Catch

He’s educated, spiritual and cerebral.  He’s the epitome of masculinity (however relative a term that is).  He’s damn near perfect.  He likes to cook.  He’s good with a hammer. He’ll take the garbage out and he’s no slob.  He knows how to treat a woman.  He knows  how to sweep a girl off her feet and even the old ladies are enamored with him.   So what is he doing with me?   I can count so many wonderful traits that he possess and yet I can’t count one that I possess.   What’s wrong with this picture?   What’s wrong with me?   I’ve been doing so much soul searching and I’ve been praying to God for a change to come.  But I don’t see it happening.   How can I want someone like this and yet not be ready for him?