Baggage

Have you ever felt that when you love someone it did more harm than good.   In re-evaluating myself and my circumstance, I discovered that I’ve been a horrible friend when times are hard.    No I’m not talking about a fair weather friend.   Or maybe I am…. I just realized that I react differently to people when I’m not where I want to be.  Currently I’m not working and I’m feeling listless.  I don’t want to work just for the money but for the feeling of doing something worthwhile and every moment spent here feels like another minute wasted.   I’m sitting here watching my life flit before my eyes and wondering what I could contribute to my 360 degrees.  I’ve cried out to God so often and yet it’s not enough to allay my fears.  My demons tell me I’m not going to make it and that I’m a failure and often times I’ve contemplated suicide.  Not to worry, the answer always is turn to Jesus.   I don’t want to spend an eternity in damnation just because I was too weak to field the blows life’s been dishing out.   But it doesn’t mean I can ignore my situation.  I find it so daunting that I close myself off to friends or I’m overly defensive and emotional  whenever someone says anything to me.   So if i haven’t pushed you way I probably am trying to push you away without realizing it.  But God knows that solace is not what I need at this moment.   Some take comfort in solace. others.. in keeping their hands and minds occupied.  I’m the latter

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