Guilt

This morning God spoke to me and it’s been a long time coming. Waking from my stupor, it dawned on me that I could still realize my dreams.  In this past year,  I have watched God prove himself to me time and again. I’d grown accustomed to drowning in my guilt.  Believing within myself that I was undeserving of answered prayers.   But then I realized that Guilt is not of God.  Perhaps instead of letting the Devil convince me I couldn’t change, I should instead be giving God praise for his everlasting mercy and grace.   And as reticent as I’ve been,  I’ve found more opportunities to utter the Lord’s praises from these lips.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord. Thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

I’ve often marveled at how God could so easily forgive us our sins at times when it seems we are so steeped in evil.  My place is not to question the how’s or the why’s.  It is simply to believe it when he says your sins have been forgiven.

I’m off to zumba to my hearts content. I’m always awkward about going to the gym though.  sometimes I feel like it’s a fashion show. I  mean who has time to impress folks when you’re sweating puddles?

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Mountain Moving Power

Things aren’t currently as great as they were.  However, this isn’t a precursor to depression.  I”m just left in current state of confusion.    The devil has a way of trying to trip you up when you work so hard on exercising your faith.   I feel like the current curveballs are just a test of my true mettle.    However, I will not falter. or at least I’ll try not to.    I won’t go into just how grave our situation is because there’s a part of me that’s embarassed by it.   I am the kind of person who doesn’t’ really like to discuss my financial pitfalls because I was reared in a society in which your true worth is based upon your credit score and financial status.    It’s depressing when you think of it in wordly terms.  So the challenge at hand is to face it on Godly Terms.   What would Jesus Do?    Matthew 21:18 – 22

after careful self-analysis, I’ve determined that I’m very goal oriented when it comes to work.  I like working in teams especially when the overall work ethic is  great.   But when it falls on the opposite end of the spectrum, I find it disheartening; frustrating even.   I think it’s a big deal when co-workers show up late or not at – all. or when other people don’t pull their weight.  because I know how great the results would be if we could all just band together and get it done.   same theory applies to living together in a household.  But when one person’s pulling their weight and the rest isn’t, it feels like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Christianity and the Working Girl

After a long discussion with Terique last week and part of today, it occurred to me (God I’m so obtuse) that God has been trying to get my attention.  Have you ever felt totally frustrated about  your situation?  Perhaps you thought your circumstances were unfair.  Like your co-worker  showing up for work when he feels like it and your having to bear the onus of the workload.   Insignificant as it may seem.  It’s all a part of God’s plan for us.  I’ve been moaning and groaning about my circumstance for so long that  I failed to consult God for his wise instruction.    Immediate resolution; make snide remarks and comments until they either reprimand me for the little snipes or fire me.  Ultimate resolution; pray about it and study the word.   I finally selected the latter.   And Ephesians 6:5 – 8 says :

5 Bondservants, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in sincerity of heart, as to Christ; 6 not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, 7with goodwill doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men, 8knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free.”

Lets dissect this passage shall we:

“not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers…”   Abe Lincoln summed it up best when he said: “you can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time”

Your goal should be to do what’s pleasing in God’s sight.  And in my honest opinion — as corroborated by the bible– It is best to apply diligence in all situations. thereby manifesting God’s work in your life.   Isn’t that what our ultimate focus should be?  Because though your hard work may go un-noticed by your employer or management.  God is taking  careful notice.  At the end of the day, you are a reflection of your Father in Heaven.

My Boyfriend.  Yes  I refer to him as such because he’s been the most loyal individual in my life over the span of 10 years.  The most loyal at least until now.  He doesn’t cheat.   It isn’t cheating if your lover knows about it.  He just finds ways to be in everyone elses corner but mine.   Maybe that’s putting it harshly.   Maybe him hanging out with certain girls I don’t approve of and who are blatantly disrespectful of our relationSHIT, isn’t a direct slap in the face.  And Maybe I’m the fucking Dalai Lama.    In any case  for some reason unbeknownst to me, I love the man.  And you know what the cure-all is for loving someone who doesn’t take quite as much stock in you?   it’s  walking away. 

He says to me today that if a woman is going to cheat he has no control over that and therefore it’s pointless to harang over it.   This is true indeed but it seems as if they (the men) turn their emotions on and off like water faucets and subsequently expect the rest of the world to follow suit.     He assumes that because he shrugs shit off that everyone else should too.  but no two people are made alike.  We have our ways in which we like to handle situations and the key to making a relationship work between two people who obviously are not of the same mindset, is to compromise  (find middle ground).    But how does one even begin to do that when the other party involved can’t even see your p.o.v.?   How do you come to some sort of amicable crossroads when He doesn’t see why you would be upset at him ditching you for late night chat with cartoons  

That being the case, ladies what would you do if your man just acted like he didnt’ give a fuck?   If you’re talking to him about the status of your  relationship that he admittedly says he cherishes, and he falls asleep how would you handle that?  Do you flip the light switch?  Do you just take a mental hiatus?  Spend time with self?  Get the fuck-em Dress on n do your Single ladies dance?   What is it that you do to take the edge off?  short of having an affair.  Sleeping with someone else ain’t gone make you feel better.  yes I know ur shaking your head and saying “leave him” but like that dog sittin on that nail  I guess I jus ain’ hurtin enough.    I decided to leave him without leaving him.   I’m taking a little hiatus all by my lonesome.  Call it a spiritual journey if you will.   He will miss me and I will miss him but i figure it’s the best way to clear my mind.  And maybe when I come back I’ll decide   there’s something better out there for me (and perhaps pigs will fly).

a weeks worth of sleepless nights

10 years later and he’s back in my life.  my feelings are somehow convoluted.  I know what  my long-term goals are.  I’m just not sure if they include him.   The odds are stacked high against us.  But yet I find myself acting like some crazed teenager again.  He’s had a hard life.  The likes of which, i’ve never had the misfortune to experience.

So it makes it hard for us to relate.   You know when you are missing certain things in life it tends to incite hunger inside you.  You tend to want to strive harder to obtain those things.  I think that’s what he does.   And because I don’t strive for the same things he does, it drives a rift between us.   I want that American Pie dream (well not exactly “Americah Pie”).  He wants money.   Maybe as the Alpha Male it defines his worth.   But I want something simpler.   Friendship, Loyalty and reliability.   He is downright Amoral and the things I find horrific he finds  mundane.   We often clash on those points alone.  Yet  I can’t leave him alone.

 

road trip part 2 (DNR)

I guess what hurt more than seeing her like that was the fact she’d
opened her home to so many of her immediate family members and now that
she’s sick with Parkinsons no one was there but J. Her son lives in
the subdivision across the street yet it’s Easter and he hasn’t even
attempted to call and say “Happy Easter Mom” . But what can you expect
from someone who wanted to cut the life support when his moms condition
worsened. She could hear him saying “do not resuscitate” which
prompted her to let the words “I’m alive” faintly escape her lips.
Sometimes I think about it and the other grimey things folks have done
to her and it incites so much rage. I’m really angry inside because I
cannot fathom how one could wish for your own mom to die.