Why I refuse to go Home Unless Absolutely Necessary…..

homophbia

“One morning, at about two o’clock my friend was at a dance in the community. He was enjoying himself and dancing when suddenly there was a gunshot and a bullet hit my friend in the back of his head. He turned around – and they shoot him in his face three more times. He fell and they shoot him as he lay on the ground. They then announced that I was next. Hearing that, I run from the community and have been moving from house to house trying to avoid homelessness…”

 

It makes it hard to embrace a culture whose first resolution to societal differences is violence.  Folks always took  Caribbean Homophobia for an old wives tale.  But I kid you not, this shyt is real.  I can almost understand why my brother left his gay cousin to the mercy of his attackers.   To even associate with gay men or women is in and of itself an unofficial crime.  often times  those perceived in the company of homosexuals fall victim to the same fates.   If you aren’t clear on the fate of a gay man or lesbian living in present-day Jamaica, then you should read the following : http://www.asylumlaw.org/docs/sexualminorities/worldpolicyinstitute_americas_LGBTrights.pdf

 

What’s so ironic is that the above graphic was originally intended to depict the diversity of this  Island I once called home.   But after doing some keyword searches on my old high school and neighboring schools I found that the lesbian traits I so staunchly exhibit are not exactly welcomed in my hometown or even my old high school.  It is almost a paradox that a culture known for it’s racial diversity would be such a huge proponent for anti-gay violence.  I’d call it homophobia but that wouldn’t be doing it justice.   So now here I sit with conflicting emotions.  Self hate swirling around in my mind because as a Jamaican I should definitely not be engaging in sexual intercourse with individuals of the same sex.  Am I supposed to hate who I am?  Hate my own sexuality?  Or am I supposed to renounce my own culture and background?  The place I called home for 13 years is no longer a haven for me and being so blatantly gay,  It would be remiss for me to make any attempts at moving back there.   

Sweethearts you have not known hardship until you’ve experienced what it’s like to grow up Gay in Jamaica.   I was gay before I even knew such a term existed and this smirk spreads across my face as I read the article on on homosexuality in High School (High school Girls Gone Gay!!).  I was a practicing Lesbian in Queens High School before the word or subject was ever broached in the Gleaner.   They talk about us like we’re infestations like we’re the bane of mankind.    How can a country so “diverse” uphold such a brazen disregard for human rights?   “Out of many one people” does not actually guarantee equal rights to the many does it?  Are we actually  One People? or does the fine print exclude gays and lesbians?  

So I won’t be going back unless it’s for a death in the family.  I’m boycotting Jamaica.

Out with the Old?

DSC_0427 I’m reading Alix’s Blog about the fear of old age and it really just dawned on me that: It’s not old age that I fear but missed opportunities.   While she’s dreading old age, I’m hoping that I will live to a ripe old age.  That I’ll have stories to tell my grand kids and great grand kids.   I live in an ever-changing, relative world.    It seems as if I’ve seen so many things happen over the course of time that I have to wonder how long will I live?   Will I be able to to live my days out regaling my progeny with stories and key historic moments.   See there isn’t much of a family tree in either side of my family so I’d like to be the first to start the tradition.   The first one to sit her offspring down and tell them about they’re progenitors and those who came before them.   Because no one has a stronger impact on you and how you shape your life than family.    These are the things that I’ve come to realize.   So I’d like to live a long and illustrious life.  Maybe society’s problem is that we no longer show much reverence to our elderly.  Young folks are so much more headstrong and set in their ways that they couldn’t possibly believe that there’s anything to be learned from older folks.  But I believe that in some cases the contrary holds true.   I think that we have individuals in our lives for a reason and who better to learn from than the individual who’s been on this earth longer .  

Random Train of Thought

 

Ignorance is BlissI am honestly trying to steer clear of posts about my professional life. Except I’m not finding that easy because I spend most of my waking hours here at the lab. I’m at the lab right now waiting for a recovery to be completed and hoping that once it’s done, I won’t have to hear any bitching and moaning from my client. I know I’m supposed to enjoy this coz it’s what I signed up for in college but sometimes it’s just a little frustrating. Sometimes I think people forget they’re dealing with human beings when they inquire about our services. You know while he’s laid up in his plush comfortable bed. I’m here in this lab freezing my ass off under the A.C. trying to push thru his critical data. And I’m pretty sure he’ll be one to have a complaint in the morning or even maybe 2 months down the line. When he complains that’ll be my queue to exit the building permanently.

 

Shit who am I fooling in this economy? Like Mica says “I’m gonna ride it till the wheels fall off” (kinda think she was talkin about sex) but my tone is pure innocence. I spoke to her last night and it felt great. We really have good conversations but I’m also stricken with A.D.H.D. So despite the great convo she offers, my mind tends to stray as does my attention. We’ll talk for 2 days only to end up arguing because I won’t answer some of her phone calls and I’ll probably stop calling. I lack focus.

But most of the time when I stop calling, it’s usually because I’m stressing about certain things in my life and I’m trying to get my ducks in a row. I’m always one to put things off until I can’t complete the task at hand. Then complications arise with the task at hand and it seems as if my entire existence is consumed with that particular mediocre iota of life.

Old Habits Die Hard

My ex of 8 years seems to gain confidence every time she has a new girlfriend. Confidence being an understatement. Whenever she’s with someone she thinks the whole entire world is on her dick and is worried about her dick and its actions. It’s just one of those random observations I made just recently. Every time a bitch cheats on her or dumps her, I’m the coolest, realest female she’s ever known. Then when she finds a new chick who will fuck her she gets hype and it’s “FUCK THE WORLD. ALL THESE HOES ON MY DICK”. Come on now Morgen? Is it really that serious? The whole world is losing sleep over your minuscule rubber ding-a-ling? Is this a fact? And in what book of bullshit did you read this?

I posted a twitter comment saying that it was odd that her and my bf are dating because they used to be sworn enemies. I made the post out of sheer amusement not jealousy or for the need to check up on morgen (I’ll keep that lower-cased) and her so-called dick actions which I wasn’t aware she had. She in her deep rooted resentment responds with the following:

“@kissmeshia lmao! nah what you find odd is you dont want nobody that knows you with me its been mad long get over it meesh really b…”

All Points Bulletin

APB: If anyone sees a fat rusty black-lipped chick driving a Dodge Caravan Virginia License Plate# E644 008 please set her and that car on fire. This chick decides to cut us off on I-85 yesterday somewhere between NC & VA. We ignored it and kept moving. Later on I notice the aforementioned pulls up next to my side of the car ( the passenger side) and starts mouthing obscenities. So I rolled my window down and cussed her fat ass out. There were four people in my car. My Mom was driving. My bro and my nephew were in the backseat. This bitch decides to take it a step further and proceeds to cut my Mom off again. Only, this time we anticipated that move and slowed down so as not to run into her. My Mom switches Lanes. She switches Lanes. Mom switches back behind another car. Black-lips decides she wants to share lanes with us and pulls into the left lane pushing us over the side beyond the sleeper lane and almost into the grassy part of the highway. Luckily there wasn’t a ditch there or a barrier. If you see the following Dodge Caravan with the aforementioned LICENSE plate. Please feel free to stab the driver if indeed it’s a female;

beast

Geneology

Geneology

Account Meesh

My old life was a far cry from what it is now. I’ve undergone a sort of metamorphosis. I was looking at an old photo montage I made back when grandpa died. Then I started looking up my aunt’s name on the Internet. I found out that she was quite brilliant as is her husband and son. She’s into computers also. So I guess the whole computer geek thing is a genetic thing. I never knew until the age of 28 that my aunt was an inventor or a scholar. Part of me wishes I’d stayed with my dad when I was younger because I probably would’ve attained my goals much faster. The dynamic between the two sides of my family is unusual. My mom comes from dirt poor surroundings. She’s the eldest of 6 children. Granny (God rest her soul), felt it was prudent to have all these kids to keep the men around. It just never panned out that way. So instead, my mom’s been raising kids since she first hit puberty. Not her kids but my Grannies kids. She was pulled out of school to raise these kids and being the oldest sibling she’s always felt responsible for her younger siblings. See my mom’s family may not come from much but the one thing they have that I don’t see in a lot of other families is that loyalty and that kinship. She represents the side of me that stays grounded. My dad on the other hand comes from a well-to-do family with very old fashioned values. I would almost say they were snobs. But snobs or not I still love them. They raised me with standards and created this melting pot of unique traits and attributes that you’ll never find. I get my elitist mentality from that side of the family and at times I find I’m in a mental conflict. I tend to date women who would be considered beneath my stature by my family as a sign of rebellion. I think a lot of who I am now as a person can be attributed to the way dad is and the rest of the Francis’s are. Nobody says “I love you” on that side of the family. Nobody is overtly emotional. They all maintain a certain kind of stone-faced decorum which makes it really hard to relate to them. I know that I am everything they despise. The black sheep. The child with no (for a lack of better words) “Broughtupsy” (consult the West Indian Dictionary). I’m the one child that goes against the grain. The one who hung with the bad chicks in high school and would skip class. The one who wore miniskirts to the mall and thought she was grown even though she knew pops hated it. I strive to be everything he is not.

Say Uncle!!

Chris I can't even Defend you on this one.One day a man was walking down the street on his way to work. As he walked down the street, there were dogs on just about every front porch and they all would bark as the man walk passed them. However, there was one dog that he remembered, because this dog was just sitting there and he was whimpering and whining and moaning, you know the little whimpering sounds dogs make when they are wounded or in some sort of pain. Well, this particular dog was just sitting there on the front porch making those sounds. The man was curious as to why this dog wasn’t barking like the other dogs and why he was whimpering. He couldn’t figure it out, so he just kept walking to work. The next day he was in the same situation where he was walking down the street and saw the dogs barking once again and this same dog that was moaning and groaning the other day was doing the same thing today and he just couldn’t figure it out. Well, he walked passed for an entire week and everyday the dog would be there moaning and groaning. So, finally the guy got fed up, he said, “let me find out what’s going on.” So he went and knocked on the door and a guy came out and said, “Yes, how may I help you?” He said, “Sir, is this your dog?” “Yes, that’s my dog.” “Well, what’s wrong with him?” The owner of the dog said, “What do you mean?” “Well, he’s been sitting here moaning and groaning, whimpering and whining for an entire week. The rest of the dogs are barking, your dog should be barking too, why is he moaning and groaning?” The owner said, “Well, he’s actually sitting on a nail.” And the guy said, ‘What! Your dog is sitting on a nail. Why doesn’t he get off?” “Well, it just doesn’t hurt him enough.” -.


  How many of us have been thru the same situation?  What exactly does it take for that nail to start hurting enough?  Now I don’t profess to know Chris & Rhi Rhi’s  story.  But a photo speaks volumes.   Though I’ve never been involved in physically abusive relationships, I’ve been torn down and negated  enough to identify the signs of abuse.   Usually it starts out verbal and for some, it ends physical.   Yet we find ourselves drawn to the same kind of people and we find ourselves trying to build with someone who isn’t worth the effort.   Some of us tend to believe that if we put forth the effort and stick around on a long term basis, we’ll effect positive change.   But you have to find your happy medium and determine when to say “when”.   Determine when to walk away from the situation and determine when to love that person from a distance.   I’m not sure if  this is in fact a common misnomer, but for myself I can say that half the time I was subconsciously doing this because I didn’t want to give up on the relationship.   But I learned somewhere down the line that it is pointless to try and change someone in a relationship that is changing you for the worst.     You can look at this photo and know that her wounds are not just physical, they’re emotional and mental.   Once you’ve lost yourself, it’s hard to get that back.  And if you can’t get that back, how can you love someone else effectively enough to inspire change?

If you’re objective is to be “Captain save-a-hoe”, then save yourself first.  

 

This has been a public service announcement from yours truly.

This Little Rainbow Clique

The older I get the more I have this disdain for surrounding myself with only LGBT individuals.   I know that sounds crazy but let me explain why. 

I’ve been on this scene for perhaps 8 years or so and I’m pretty much able to predict the actions of my gay/ lesbian counterparts.   So much so that it really doesn’t add any mystery to the situation.    Being of sound Sagittarian mind and body, it is in my nature to want to experience new things and to learn and grow spiritually.   I’m not finding that by only associating with one specific group in society.   I think that as a lesbian the objective should be to be accepted in society as an equal.   So I don’t really go out of my way to separate myself or ostracize myself from the heteros.   There are no rainbow decals all over my windshield or bumper nor do I wear these bright ass colors to work on a daily basis.   The fact that I am gay,does not make me any more special than the next individual.     So why is it that I feel as if we’ve created our own secret society and no one else is allowed in  (not even the bi’s)?

Which broaches an additional topic.   How is it that lesbians struggle so much for equality yet I’ve had the displeasure of encountering so many who do not like bi-sexuals?   How are we to ask for the very same rights that we deny others?   It seems totally asinine to me.