“In my twenty-seventh year, while riding the metro in Leningrad (now St. Petersburg) I was overcome with a despair so great that life seemed to stop at once, preempting the future entirely, let alone any meaning. Suddenly, all by itself, a phrase appeared: Without God life makes no sense. Repeating it in astonishment, I rode the phrase up like a moving staircase, got out of the metro and walked into God’s light.”
Warren, Rick (2008-09-02). The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? (p. 21). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.
Have you ever come to the disheartening realization that your life is nothing but a series of routines? Each day you get up and you do the same thing you did the day before monotonously without thought to spiritual objectives. It’s what living in a void is like. And for most of us this is a fact albeit one some will deny to their graves. However it’s a fact that we are all searching for something to fill that void. And often times when looking in the wrong places, we are filled with a sense of despair as described by Russian Novelist Andrei Britov in the blurb above.
We feel as if we’re going through the motions with no end in sight. No purpose in sight hence, the coined phrase “what is the meaning of life?”
I don’t know about you but I’ve felt like that for a good part of my existence. It had me figuratively dragging my feet. It’s depressing when you wake up each day feeling as if your life was going no where fast. You don’t usually have to be a statistic to feel this way. You don’t have be one of those people who need drugs to get up and need drugs to go to bed. You don’t have to be Whitney or Michael or some insanely rich billionaire with trust issues. You can be a regular schmoe like me. Someone who might not have gone through as many misfortunes but is sentient enough to be affected by their own mundane existence. That is darkness. That is living ones life in obscurity.
But all that changed one day for me. Like Saul on the road to Damascus, the scales fell from my eyes and Immediately I could see. There is a huge difference living in God’s light. Your perspective changes. Colors become more vivid and smells are sharper. You see everything around you from a different point of view and in so doing your interaction with others changes. Where you were once a misanthrope you are now a humanitarian. I could see all the possibilities for my life. I could see the many ways my life could change and I was encouraged. God encouraged me in so many ways that I am forever grateful for the things he has done. No amount of pill-popping, drinking, clubbing or debauchery could ever replace that feeling.
So now for the first time in my life, I can say that I am truly Blessed. Why, because now I know that there is a God I can turn to in my darkest hour. Even when my life seems off-kilter, I know that I can look to God to steer me in the direction of my Purpose. I can see a life of purpose and self-sacrifice in my future. What can you see in yours?
I was reading 1 Corinthians Chapter 15 and In the first few verses I believe Paul depicted his faith and belief in the death and resurrection of Christ. Also corroborating this fact with the sightings as told to him by his predecessors and based also upon his own witness of Christ (on the road to Damascus to persecute the believers). He states in the first few chapters that those who had seen Christ rise from the dead were still also among the living. He goes on to discuss the growing unrest and disbelief amongst the believers of Christ who were under the impression resurrection was impossible. In his rebuttal, he applies logic. Our faith would indeed be in vain if we did not believe in the Resurrection of Christ. For if we do not believe in Christ’s Resurrection, how can we believe in having Everlasting Life? Wouldn’t our Salvation be in vain? That being said, Paul states “For to your shame I say that some of you don’t know God at all”. I believe that he pointedly makes this statement for clarification that if you believe that resurrection is impossible while calling yourself a Believer, then you do not know Christ at all. That would be oxymoronic.
in verse 33 Paul goes on to state:
“Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.”
Do not give credence to common misnomers and clichés like: “let’s party like it’s 1999” or as Jaysean would put it “Part Like it’s 2012”. Because even when the World Ends verses 51 and 52 state:
But let me reveal to you a wonderful secret. We will not all die, but we will all be transformed! 52 It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed.
tears are the pop off valves of the soul.
when the pressures of life weigh heavy upon us
sometimes it’s alright to shed a tear
because those tears relieve pressure
it’s alright to cry
but don’t cry as if you have no hope
but cry with a degree of certainty
that one day Jesus is able to wipe all tears from our eyes
Our loss is heavens gain
– Pastor Arthur Jakcson
I woke up this morning and I read some scripture and read my bible plans. I read from this book also. The book is called “The Purpose Driven Life”. But I topped it all off with an argument via text with Terique. He broached a valid point to me and rather than admit he was right I chose to argue. I mean I did see holes in his theory but that was the wrong time to broach that. So I fought him tooth and nail until I finally realized I was back in that Rut again. I have a problem with being wrong. Better yet I have a problem with always being wrong. over and over again. I’d like to know there’s something in my life I’m doing right. No pats on the back needed. Just an idea that I’m not wasting my life. I guess that’s what The Purpose Driven Life is about. Knowing God’s Plan for you. Haven’t read a full chapter yet but in evaluating myself. I’ve realized that I’m a walking disaster. Ground Zero has nothing on me.
He is becoming unraveled. I’m starting to think that what he doesn’t need is a girlfriend. What he does need is professional help (or an exorcist). There was a point in my life when I couldn’t live without him. But now I don’t know. I was ready to leave again last night. Lately I’ve been thinking that I’m not quite cut out for relationships or marriage. He once represented my picket fence dream. But now he represents a life in bondage. A simple gesture might set him off. What happens then? will he kill me?
Where am I in my relationship with God? Have I developed another Stronghold? Could it be that my captor is me? I’m at a stalemate. I’m standing at a junction facing too many forks in the road, not knowing which option to take. I am trying to please everybody and yet I can please no one. it feels so much like I’m under pressure. under the Gun expected to meet certain criteria. so much so that I forgot what being me was about. I can’t place blame. I’m too old for the blame game. but how do I resolve it without finding the source and eradicating it. just another of my inane soliloquy. I say as much because I realize no one reads this blog. Yesterday I told drew that I was writing fiction but it’s far from the truth. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with anyone reading my thoughts and maybe I’d read them to Terique if I thought he was remotely interested in my narcissism. But as it stands no body is. This has been my altar to myself and idol worship will not be tolerated any longer. Henceforth this blog is about my 360 degree sphere. In other news the flyer is finished. feast your eyes. No it’s not graphical ingenuity but it’s a start:
I’ve discussed at length how depressed I’ve been and I think that God has answered my prayers in granting me a new lease on life. Here I am in sunny Florida with a job and new apartment and everyday thanking God for waking me anew. Thanking God for what I do have in my life and trying to make changes for the better. I think lately I’ve been a serial whiner. But that’s about to change. presently I’m working on a flyer for my church “To The Word Ministries”. Next I’ll be working on my Network Plus certification and I’ve decided to do a complete overhaul on the physical. new hairdo new clothes new attitude. And I’ll try not to bite off as many heads as I used to. Operative word is “Try”. I remember crying out to God and I know he heard my cry. Now he keeps me busy enough so I don’t remember my troubles. Or so I don’t remember Losing my brother though I still know he’s Gone but at the very least I won’t sit here poring over it enough to sink myself into a stupor. All-in-All I’m happy. I’m among family and maybe I’ll make some friends down here. But I wake up with the sunshine in my face and it’s enough to take my breath away. The simple pleasures in life.
feeling small and insignificant. just some random person. if I disappear it would be as if I were never here. the hard thing about being a Christian is that God reminds you that you are human. That you exist. And though advantageous it might seem. You’re also reminded that you are susceptible to life’s imperfections. To slights. to ill-used words. you ask yourself which is better? to cease to exist? or to feel alive and remain vulnerable to pain.
Yet suddenly I see my life in such a vivid array of Vibrant colors. My senses have awakened and it beats the humdrum of obscurity. This life beats the grey areas any day. GET UP!!!
On Thursday I removed another scrap of paper from the Prayer Box Terique gave me. I found a Job which I start on Monday. Yet I can’t help feeling melancholy ( and guilty because of it). I know I should be happy but the one thing I want in this world, I cannot have. Often we take for granted those we have around us. Especially, our siblings and we just don’t realize that one day we could lose them. Let’s face it, its not like you can just go to the store and buy a new one to replace the one you lost. We can do that with possessions but not people. You might want to cherish the people you have in your life while you still have them. set aside your petty squabbles and fights and just enjoy each others company. I feel equally bad because I should be giving thanks for the doors God has opened for me but yet I’d trade it in an instant for my brother. I have to wonder if I’m ever going to stop feeling this way. I would’ve traded my life for his when it came down to it because there was so much he has done and wanted to do. I pray God will forgive me for my lackluster attitude. I just don’t see how I’m going to get on without my bro.
sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever stop. If I will ever get over losing my brother. some days it’s bearable. other days it’s not. and I wonder if one day that will all change. If one day I’ll stop crying. everywhere i go i see fleeting reminders of him and I think of what could have been but never was. Please God tell me if the pain will end