every Sunday I think is going to be my last day. Because each Sunday, I have this ear-splitting migraine that won’t let up. It’s usually accompanied by nausea and your typical hot flash. And I always ask God to let me live through it. But if i keep playing my cards wrong – and I have been – I won’t live through another Sunday. Morbid huh? well I’m a dark person. I wear black against a sea of colors. Like I’ve been in mourning all my life.
guitars strummin in the background
thoughts hummin in my foreground
I’d like to spend the day at home to reflect.
Maybe I am too egotistical and maybe I’ think too much about myself. but if I don’t, then who’s gonna think about me?
Still holding strong to my faith while my dark side engulfs me in flames. It’s hard and I need a break. I want a simple life but I’m not a simple girl. I want normalcy but I’m not normal. I don’t know how to be normal. then again…What’s Normal?
Is it just a matter of opinion?
I think it’s time for the bear to come out of hibernation. I’ve been on a self-imposed social hiatus for about 2 years . Haven’t been out to have fun since that work event which involved going out to Captain’s cove for cheap alcoholic drinks and Swedish meatballs. Yes, the very highlight of my life. So why not combine two things I love most; socializing with good friends and reading a good book . At the behest of my devils advocate whose name I shall not mention, I’ve decided to start a book club. So if there is anyone out there with tips on successfully getting that venture off the ground. Please speak now or forever hold your peace.
Last night I came in from work at about 11:30 pm. This is what I walked in on:
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?
spoke to mom the other day and she’s all ecstatic about living in Florida. Let her tell it; Florida’s the warmer version of New York. I’m just not so sure that’s a good thing anymore. I used to feen for a taste of New York with a warmer climate 365 days of the year. But I’ve gotten all quiet and grown accustomed to suburbia. I don’t know how I’d fare in “warmer New York” these days. I’m just not the 20 yr old I used to be. I don’t quite see things the same and I no longer wake up yearning for the sound of gunshots in the morning or the 5 train coming from Baychester avenue, rattling the windows in the afternoon. I miss hangin with my friends in Eastchester projects. Rollin 13 deep to the liquor store and deep throatin that bottle of Bacardi (ahhh well Not so much the Bacardi, but just the camaraderie).
Lets be clear here. I want a major turn around in my life. But I still want to be queen of my kingdom. I want the white picket fence, the four kids the station wagon. I want the whole kit and caboodle except for one thing. There is no way in hell I could see myself becoming someone’s Suzie homemaker. While I do respect the confines of this institution we call marriage and while I do understand that women were created as men’s helpmeets. I do not, nor will I, ever find myself cleaning up after a full grown adult Male. Sometimes I observe my brother’s slovenly ways and and wonder if this would be the nightmare I’d have to endure during marriage. Am I wrong for dreading that? Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for doing your share around the house and keeping things clean. But is there some unwritten by-law that says MEN should be pigs and women should clean up after them? Is this there an 11th commandment that I missed somewhere in the Bible? Does our Pastor make a mess just for our First Lady to clean up?
What’s wrong with not wanting to be a Housewife? What’s wrong with wanting to stand beside your husband instead of behind him? Is it considered a sin to regard oneself as the ruler of one’s domain? Maybe I want to bring home the bacon and kiss him on the cheek after he’s done slaving over my dinner. Must I be the stereotypical doormat in order to qualify as the perfect wife?
…Of which, I am neither. Just because some people practice Intolerance, doesn’t mean all people do. And because I say I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I’m going around burning crosses on lawns screaming “die fag” from the tops of towers or anything of the sort. Now what you might say I’m peddling is, Jesus and I’m peddling Jesus because he is the light of my life and the source of my true happiness. I don’t know about any other Christian, I just know about Meesh and for once I know what makes me tick. For once I know what’s kept me calmer than I’ve been in a decade and I know that it’s my re-kindled relationship with God. So why would you find something wrong with me wanting to be closer to God and taking the necessary steps? Why would you find something wrong with me wanting to be released from what I consider my personal strongholds. Am I judging you or the life that you lead? I suppose our lifestyles are different but I haven’t turned my back on you simply for the lifestyle you opt to lead I just choose not to involve myself in your neurosis. I had my own neurosis to overcome why should I add yours to the pot? I’m happier now. More content if you will. Granted my life isn’t what it was 10 years ago. I’m not making the kind of money I used to. But money isn’t everything. And despite all my efforts to find contentment in the past, every attempt was an epic fail. I found happiness when I found God. I found contentment and fulfillment and somehow it just doesn’t feel like I’m walking around in the dark. It’s a big difference. Sometimes we need inspiration just to get up in the morning and to continue with our daily routine. And for some folks that routine can be a bit much to handle. But i wake up every morning asking God to give me strength to handle the situations that may arise and I know that he will give me that strength. It’s just a given. So yes I’m absolutely happy and content leading my simple drama-free existence and trying to do what God tells me. Yet there are still those people out there who hate to see me happy. I guess there is truth to the saying Misery loves company. Because, here I am recording my thoughts and perusing them as I record them, mainly for my own benefit and yet I’m running into opposition. I have to wonder what was it that I did that was so bad that would push you to –as you say– “seek me out”?
Why can’t I simply be left alone? Why revisit my blog year after year after year to tear me down? What did I ever do to you?
I haven’t come back here lately because I’m at a loss for words. It might be quite easy to write enlightening and idealistic posts but in reality it tends to alienate the average human. I know I’m not perfect and thus far I’ve been recording my epiphanies and my moments of progress. However, what I’ve failed to record are the weaknesses.
To protect the not-so-innocent, I’ll be using a few pseudonyms. It’s 4:15am on Sept 8th and I haven’t had much sleep for the past 2 weeks. So many things have occurred to test my patience and my faith. In some cases, I’ve managed to retain my faith in God and ultimately witnessed his work in my life. In others, I’ve come this close (put’s fingers together) to allowing my impulses to rule. My mom was homeless for the last two weeks for reasons I won’t begin to expound on. I just know that it was heartbreaking to see a woman who’s spent the better part of her life giving others the clothes off her back go without shelter. So throughout, I’ve experienced bouts of bitterness rage and helplessness. She was all the way in Florida and here I was in CT sitting up in my bed in my house. The thought never escaped me that while I had somewhere to rest my head, my mom did not and it hurt to know that there wasn’t much I could do to change her situation. But that feeling was only temporary because God proved once again, that he does hear our cries. While I was helpless, I still had God and God was who I sought in order to pull my mother out of the storm. I sought him in earnest, praying and meditating on his word day and night, night and day. And so, one day she calls me and says “Meesh, I’ve found a place to live”. And for that, I was ecstatic but it still chagrined me to know that this was even allowed to happen. The circumstances leading up to it were a constant source of rage over the past 2 weeks. There were so many negative thoughts I wanted to express and there were times when I wanted to take matters into my own hands, hop on the next red eye and land myself a starring role on America’s Most Wanted but I, thru the strength of God, refrained. Any self respecting warm-blooded human being would have been in Florida dukin it out with my Brothers Wife; Ms Cruella Deville. If your “sister-in-law” threatened bodily harm to your mom and threw her out of the house, you’d want to have her fitted for a body bag too. And Lord Knows I DID. But God in his infinite wisdom told me to be patient and trust in him and that is what I did and it is what I will do. All things considered, I am both thankful and relieved that God has answered my prayers and found shelter for my Mom once again proving that he is indeed an Awesome God.
Maybe it’s a given to most, but my Mom is my life. She is the one person I would probably give my life for. So when someone hurts her it’s tantamount to taking a stab at me. It’s hard not to react to that. But at the end of the day I’ll leave you with these passages:
Proverbs 3:5,6 – Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Matthew 6:30 (New International Version)
30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
There is something about a good old gospel hymn that stirs the warmth and brings peace down deep in the soul. It’s hard to put into words so all I can do is say that it is the best feeling of contentment there is to be had. Maybe that’s why I don’t like secular “gospel” music that much. It doesn’t really invoke that feeling within me. Good old gospel reminds me of the days my momma would dress me up in that pretty little white dress with the shiny patent leather shoes and send me off to church with my little new testament bible in hand. The days when I’d be singing out loud (though I can’t sing) to Jesus with all the enthusiasm my little pint sized heart could muster. Man those were the Pollyanna days and I had not a care in the world. There’s something to be said about having childlike faith. When you have the faith of a child you just “know” (no you don’t think) that everything is gonna be alright. And because you know that it’s gonna be alright and you know that God’s gonna see you through, It just happens. That’s the kind of faith we need to have.
Matthew 18:2-4 (New International Version)
2He called a little child and had him stand among them. 3And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
How do we address church politics? Better yet, how do we address alienation in church? Do we sweep it under the rug? How many of you have found it difficult to assimilate to a new church environment simply because you didn’t meet one of the predefined criteria? You know the ones I’m talking about. You’re either:
- Not in church enough
- Not a member of a large family who attends the church.
- Not a major financial contributor.
So people, how do we overcome these vices? Do we boycott the sanctuary? Do we write to our local pastors? Do we man up and carry on as if this cliquish cultish mentality is only but a mere figment of our over active imaginations?