Do Not Worry

Last night I came in from work at about 11:30 pm.   This is what I walked in on:

 

Matthew 6:25-27

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?

 

 

 

Memoires of a Late Bloomer

spoke to mom the other day and she’s all ecstatic about living in Florida.  Let her tell it; Florida’s the warmer version of New York.   I’m just not so sure that’s a good thing anymore.   I used to feen for a taste of  New York with a warmer climate 365 days of the year.  But I’ve gotten all quiet and grown accustomed to suburbia.   I don’t know how I’d fare in “warmer New York” these days.   I’m just not the 20 yr old I used to be.   I don’t quite see things the same and I no longer wake up yearning for the sound of gunshots in the morning or the 5 train coming from Baychester avenue, rattling the windows in the afternoon.   I miss hangin with my friends in Eastchester projects.  Rollin 13 deep to the liquor store and deep throatin that bottle of Bacardi (ahhh well Not so much the Bacardi, but just the camaraderie).  

Wifely Duties

Lets be clear here.   I want a major turn around in my life.  But I still want to be queen of my kingdom.  I want the white picket fence, the four kids the station wagon.  I want the whole kit and caboodle except for one thing.   There is no way in hell I could see myself becoming someone’s Suzie homemaker.    While I do respect the confines of this institution we call marriage and while I do understand that women were created as men’s helpmeets.   I do not, nor will I, ever find myself cleaning up after a full grown adult Male.   Sometimes I observe my brother’s slovenly ways and and wonder if this would be the nightmare I’d have to endure during marriage.     Am I wrong for dreading that?   Don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for doing your share around the house and keeping things clean.  But is there some unwritten by-law that says MEN should be pigs and women should clean up after them?   Is this there an 11th commandment that I missed somewhere in the Bible?   Does our Pastor make a mess just for our First Lady to clean up?

 

What’s wrong with not wanting to be a Housewife?  What’s wrong with wanting to stand beside your husband instead of  behind him?   Is it considered a sin to regard oneself as the ruler of one’s domain?  Maybe I want to bring home the bacon and kiss him on the cheek after he’s done slaving over my dinner.  Must I be the stereotypical doormat in order to qualify as the perfect wife?

Fanatical Saints and Fanatical Sinners….

…Of which,  I am neither.  Just because some people practice Intolerance, doesn’t mean all people do.  And because I say I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I’m going around burning crosses on lawns screaming  “die fag” from the tops of towers or anything of the sort.  Now what you might say I’m peddling is, Jesus and I’m peddling Jesus because he is the light of my life and the source of my true happiness.   I don’t know about any other Christian,  I just know about Meesh and for once I know what makes me tick.  For once I know what’s kept me calmer than I’ve been in a decade and I know  that it’s my re-kindled relationship with God.  So why would you find something wrong with me wanting to be closer to God and taking the necessary steps?  Why would you find something wrong with me wanting to be released from what I consider my personal strongholds.   Am I judging you or the life that you lead?  I suppose our lifestyles are different but I haven’t turned my back on you simply for the lifestyle you opt to lead I just choose not to involve myself in your neurosis.   I had my own neurosis to overcome why should I add yours to the pot?   I’m happier now.  More content if you will.  Granted my life isn’t what it was 10 years ago.  I’m not making the kind of money I used to.  But money isn’t everything.   And despite all my efforts to find contentment in the past, every attempt was an epic fail.  I found happiness when I found God.  I found contentment and fulfillment  and somehow it just doesn’t feel like I’m walking around in the dark.  It’s a big difference.  Sometimes we need inspiration just to get up in the morning and to continue with our daily routine.  And for some folks that routine can be a bit much to handle.   But i wake up every morning asking God to give me strength to handle the situations that may arise and I know that he will give me that strength.  It’s just a given.   So yes I’m absolutely happy and content leading my simple drama-free existence and trying to do what God tells me.   Yet there are still those people out there who hate to see me happy.   I guess there is truth to the saying Misery loves company.  Because, here I am recording my thoughts and perusing them as I record them, mainly for my own benefit and yet I’m running into opposition.   I have to wonder what was it that I did that was so bad that would push you to –as you say– “seek me out”?  

 

Why can’t I simply be left alone?  Why revisit my blog year after year after year to tear me down?  What did I ever do to you?

 

Lean Not Unto your own Understanding

I haven’t come back here lately because I’m at a loss for words. It might be quite easy to write enlightening and idealistic posts but in reality it tends to alienate the average human. I know I’m not perfect and thus far I’ve been recording my epiphanies and my moments of progress. However, what I’ve failed to record are the weaknesses.

To protect the not-so-innocent, I’ll be using a few pseudonyms. It’s 4:15am on Sept 8th and I haven’t had much sleep for the past 2 weeks. So many things have occurred to test my patience and my faith. In some cases, I’ve managed to retain my faith in God and ultimately witnessed his work in my life. In others, I’ve come this close (put’s fingers together) to allowing my impulses to rule. My mom was homeless for the last two weeks for reasons I won’t begin to expound on. I just know that it was heartbreaking to see a woman who’s spent the better part of her life giving others the clothes off her back go without shelter. So throughout, I’ve experienced bouts of bitterness rage and helplessness. She was all the way in Florida and here I was in CT sitting up in my bed in my house. The thought never escaped me that while I had somewhere to rest my head, my mom did not and it hurt to know that there wasn’t much I could do to change her situation. But that feeling was only temporary because God proved once again, that he does hear our cries. While I was helpless, I still had God and God was who I sought in order to pull my mother out of the storm. I sought him in earnest, praying and meditating on his word day and night, night and day. And so, one day she calls me and says “Meesh, I’ve found a place to live”. And for that, I was ecstatic but it still chagrined me to know that this was even allowed to happen. The circumstances leading up to it were a constant source of rage over the past 2 weeks. There were so many negative thoughts I wanted to express and there were times when I wanted to take matters into my own hands, hop on the next red eye and land myself a starring role on America’s Most Wanted but I, thru the strength of God, refrained. Any self respecting warm-blooded human being would have been in Florida dukin it out with my Brothers Wife; Ms Cruella Deville. If your “sister-in-law” threatened bodily harm to your mom and threw her out of the house, you’d want to have her fitted for a body bag too. And Lord Knows I DID. But God in his infinite wisdom told me to be patient and trust in him and that is what I did and it is what I will do. All things considered, I am both thankful and relieved that God has answered my prayers and found shelter for my Mom once again proving that he is indeed an Awesome God.

Maybe it’s a given to most, but my Mom is my life. She is the one person I would probably give my life for. So when someone hurts her it’s tantamount to taking a stab at me. It’s hard not to react to that. But at the end of the day I’ll leave you with these passages:

Proverbs 3:5,6 – Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Matthew 6:30 (New International Version)

30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Suffer the Little Children

There is something about a good old gospel hymn that stirs the warmth and brings peace down deep in the soul.  It’s hard to put into words so all I can do is say that it is the best feeling of contentment there is to be had.  Maybe that’s why I don’t like secular  “gospel” music that much.  It doesn’t really invoke that feeling within me.   Good old gospel reminds me of the days my momma would dress me up in that pretty little white dress with the shiny patent leather shoes and send me off to church with my little new testament bible in hand.  The days when I’d be singing out loud (though I can’t sing) to Jesus  with all the enthusiasm my little pint sized heart could muster.    Man those were the Pollyanna days and I had not a care in the world.   There’s something to be said about having childlike faith.   When you have the faith of a child you just “know” (no you don’t think) that everything is gonna be alright.   And because you know that it’s gonna be alright and you know that God’s gonna see you through, It just happens.   That’s the kind of faith we need to have.

Matthew 18:2-4 (New International Version)

2He called a little child and had him stand among them. 3And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

How do we address church politics?  Better yet, how do we address alienation in church?  Do we sweep it under the rug?  How many of you have found it difficult to assimilate to a new church environment simply because you didn’t meet one of the predefined criteria?  You know the ones I’m talking about.  You’re either:

  • Not in church enough
  • Not a member of a large family who attends the church.
  • Not a major financial contributor.

 

So people,  how do we overcome these vices?   Do we boycott the sanctuary?  Do we write to our local pastors?  Do we man up and carry on as if this cliquish cultish mentality is only but a mere figment of our over active imaginations? 

 

Pride goeth before destruction

After giving it much thought, I’ve found that every time I record my thoughts or problems in this blog that I receive enlightenment from God himself.  It is a sort of comforting revelation.   But, what I’ve come to discuss today is my on going struggle.  It is one of the strongholds I have yet to overcome  and I’m finding that it is a hindrance to my spiritual growth.   This struggle is my struggle with pride and conceit.   I can’t say that I know where and when it began but I do know that I’d like to put an end to it.   It’s as if I have too much pride to approach certain tasks.   Too proud to listen to what others have to say.   Too proud to accept sound criticism from the Lord. I’ve created a monster of an elitist mentality and now it’s like trying to stop Godzilla from wreaking havoc on my psyche.   I have at times been too proud to even humble myself before God and ask for his help.  And even now as I make this confession I’m  appalled by my own actions.  Where do I come off thinking I’m too good?   I’m no better than anyone else out there. Just another tiresome soul looking for her lot in life.  I know I need him every step of the way.   I know that I need his blessings in whatever I should do.   But I find myself reverting back to my own understanding (as if to say my word is Law)  In keeping my own esteem of self I fear approaching others  in the event I may be rejected or in the event they might “see right through me”.  Now here’s where God works his miracle in my life.  Because as I’m writing this passage the scripture from :

Proverbs 3:5 (New International Version)

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding;

 

comes to mind.  It’s like that Nike commercial.  I just have to “Do It”.

Tunnel Vision

One of the most frustrating aspects of my daily routine  is working at a bank cow-towing to overly priviledged customers who have the nerve to call in with conniption fits because they don’t know how to use the automated phone system.  Of  all the things to harangue about?  You would call to complain because you have to enter account numbers in order to make your transfers.   Doesn’t that seem a little petty?   And maybe keeping $90,000 in our bank to build interest warranted him the right to moan and carryon.   But how does he sleep at night, knowing that out there, someone’s digging thru garbage looking for their next meal?   That out there someone’s on the verge of a mental breakdown because their house is on foreclosure and they have nowhere to go.   Living in a world engorged in darkness has ironically shed light on the burgeoning ethical decline of our society.   Remember when people cared a little more?  Remember when we were a little less selfish?  We’ve gotten so cocky and arrogant with our advances in technology and medicine that we  have all but become a Godless society.    I can’t say I know when this began or where. But I took notice over the last decade.   I noticed that crimes were becoming more sadistic and I noticed that we’ve even been justifying things we would never have thought to justify 20 years ago.   I used to bury my head in my books or my internet games so that I’d remain oblivious to it all.   But It weighed heavy upon my heart.  It still weighs heavy upon my heart.   But the up side or the turnabout came for me when I found my way back to Jesus.   He was/is (and I know this sounds a bit fanatical) the light at the end of my tunnel.    I was depressed and locked myself away in my home outside of going to work and I cut off mostly all contact with the outside world because I felt our circumstances were dire and virtually hopeless.   But thru all that, I found a lifeline to God.   Genesis 1:2-3 says: 

 2 Now the earth was [a] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

 3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

 Do you see that?  How awesome is our God that even in the depths of despair he can utter 4 words and bring about the start of creation and the end to all darkness.    That’s what God has done with my life.  He looked at me and said ” Let there be Light” and there actually was light and there were actually better days and I knew that even though I was surrounded  by all this darkness that God was still here reminding me that there was always something to look forward to.   I’d intended to turn this post into a rant and rave about some of the mundane aspects of my existence but I cannot help but be happy and content that I can find my strength in Jesus.   What would I do without him?   I would be miserable as I had been for the last 10 to 15 years.   As daunting as my present trials may seem,  I have God and God trumps it all.    🙂 ….. tootles folks .  I’m off to wally world to buy bed linen.

Sexual Immorality

I have felt as if I had been defiling my body over the last few years.   I wasn’t quite sure how until I read the following scripture and was convicted once again.

 

 

Romans 1:24-28 (New International Version)

24Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

28Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done.

 

 

So what got me here today was, I would say, a call from the Holy Spirit. A little voice within me that reminded me what I was doing was wrong.  I believe the scripture speaks about my acts of homosexuality.  But not just that, it also talks about all matters of fornication and sexual depravity.  I thought If I convinced myself that the lust I experienced was in actuality pure and unadulterated love, that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. 

But that was just the little devil on my shoulder talking.   Making me justify my own wrongdoings with what I thought was insight.   Truly I was foolish.  There was this part of me begging to find it’s way back to God.   I truly wanted and needed God but I was so caught up in the flesh that I had chosen to put God on the back burner.   Everyday I’d say  “Not now Jesus”.     But now, I’m appalled at my actions.  I am humbled by God because I know that his forgiveness of my sin was thru His grace.    I find it amazing that God can be so merciful as to forgive a sinner like me of all my wrong doings, knowing full well that I did not and do not deserve it.  It’s like we struggle each day to exercise faith in God yet he seems to invest more in us that we do him. I’ll admit that this walk is anything but easy.  But I’m in a better place now than I was last year or the year before that.   I feel like I am walking in the light of Jesus and that he truly has a plan for me.  I pray each day that I do not fail him.