He is becoming unraveled. I’m starting to think that what he doesn’t need is a girlfriend. What he does need is professional help (or an exorcist). There was a point in my life when I couldn’t live without him. But now I don’t know. I was ready to leave again last night. Lately I’ve been thinking that I’m not quite cut out for relationships or marriage. He once represented my picket fence dream. But now he represents a life in bondage. A simple gesture might set him off. What happens then? will he kill me?
I have been praying for Forgiveness for oh so long. I could not for the life of me Fathom how God could forgive me for my multitude of sins. Sometimes i’d think my sins were so numerous that i’d be twice removed from his grace. Then today I was referred to this verse as i was reading the back of this book and it brought tears to my eyes reminding me that God’s mercy is nothing like ours and that he has the capacity to forgive us of our sins and wrong doings if we are truly contrite.
Psalm 103 (New International Version)
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
I kept reading this book and he kept answering my questions and renewing my faith in him. Every single question I had in my heart he answered and that just let me know that I was not alone.
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
I’m doing it. I’m surviving ain’t I? Or… Maybe I’m already dead. I don’t quite feel dead though. You know everyday I wake up relieved. Relieved i have yet another opportunity to fuck my life up oh so much more than I already have. Therein lies the onerous decision making process. To err or not to Err. That is the question.