His Dark Passenger

He is becoming unraveled.  I’m starting to think that what he doesn’t need is a girlfriend.  What he does need is professional help (or an exorcist).  There was a point in my life when I couldn’t live without him.  But now I don’t know.  I was ready to leave again last night.  Lately I’ve been thinking that I’m not quite cut out for relationships or marriage.  He once represented my picket fence dream.  But now he represents a life in bondage.  A simple gesture might set him off.  What happens then?  will he kill me?

Doing away with the Isms.

if given to our own predilections, we tend to “pull rank” more often than not. I too am guilty of harboring an elitist mentality. maybe because It’s my way of being comfortable with self. But there is one thing that I need to be reminded of; and that is we are all here to serve a divine purpose. It hasn’t so much to do with our own wills and objectives. But it has to do with the will of our Father in heaven. We may not all be at the same level of learning in life. Our learning curves may differ. However, it does not make one lesser than the other. Because we are all meant to work together as a whole. The Body of Christ

Romans 12:2-10 (New International Version)
2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[a]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Love
9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

a weeks worth of sleepless nights

10 years later and he’s back in my life.  my feelings are somehow convoluted.  I know what  my long-term goals are.  I’m just not sure if they include him.   The odds are stacked high against us.  But yet I find myself acting like some crazed teenager again.  He’s had a hard life.  The likes of which, i’ve never had the misfortune to experience.

So it makes it hard for us to relate.   You know when you are missing certain things in life it tends to incite hunger inside you.  You tend to want to strive harder to obtain those things.  I think that’s what he does.   And because I don’t strive for the same things he does, it drives a rift between us.   I want that American Pie dream (well not exactly “Americah Pie”).  He wants money.   Maybe as the Alpha Male it defines his worth.   But I want something simpler.   Friendship, Loyalty and reliability.   He is downright Amoral and the things I find horrific he finds  mundane.   We often clash on those points alone.  Yet  I can’t leave him alone.

 

Infatuation or the Real McCoy

I’m 30 years old.  I’ve been through a lot and experienced alot so I tend to be good at reading people.  Body language, mannerisms and overall swag.   So i’m here chuckling to myself as I’m reading blogs.   I ran across 2 individuals with the same topic and the same style of writing for that particular topic.   Now i’m laughing because It’s so obvious to me that they’ve got this thing going on.   Yet, they swear everyone else is clueless.   But it’s funny that both posted topics about sex and both started asking questions about how soon is too soon to start digging someone.   

 

Anyway this blog is not about that.   I was reading a blog about sex and the lack thereof and it broached a few questions in my mind.    If one has been celibate for quite sometime and decides to put oneself on the market, does this  in fact impair ones judgement when it comes to finding miss right?   You know how  some lesbians are always falling in love at first sight?  Is it possible that they compromise their standards because it’s been a long time since physical companionship?  Or does celibacy clear the mind?  Does it allow you to think straight and look at things from new perspectives?   I only ask this because as a self-proclaimed serial monogamist, I’ve had one too many encounters where i swore she was the one then after the physical attraction wore off and the A.D.D. set in things changed.    Could it be I was overcome by lust and confused it with Love?

6 degrees of dyke drama

There arises this insurmountable urge to shut the lesbian world and it’s 6 degrees of dyke drama out.   On this edition of Lunar Lunacy;  Aquafina issued an apology for how she treated me during our relationship.   So did CH.   Supposedly she felt bad for being dishonest when all I asked of her was honesty.  But it was a little hard to swallow considering she’s been concocting stories about me and relaying them to random individuals.  None of whom are interconnected.   She sent me a text this morning saying  “Man you a cold peace of work its kewl don’t worrie bout me blowin up  ur phone or beggin you as you put it.”  She’s half right.  I am cold.  I can’t really feel any emotion towards her at this point considering she’d been sleeping with her ex and came back from the night club with a hickey from a random stranger.  As of late i’ve also been informed she was stalking her other ex while with me.   I guess I can’t really bring myself to feel the least bit of regret for merely stating the fact that she was begging me or blowing up my phone.  

Insecurity in a relationship

Lying, cheating women tend to use insecurity as a crutch in
relationships. How?   First one must ask; how many times has my girl
done some significantly shady shit and when approached responded, ”
You’re so insecure.”? Where do we draw the fine line between
identifying insecurity and identifying  intuition?

Indecisive

I don’t know if the emotions that I’m feeling  mean that I  like her or if I love her.  We’ve been talking since maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago.  Everyday, she’s unsure about what our future holds and Everyday it seems as if I don’t have secure footing in this  relationship.   I’m not exactly calling it a relationship because she’s not my girlfriend.  But for the sake of identifying this thing we have, I’ll call it a relationship.   She’s been thru the same b.s. that I have.  She’s had her heart broken more often than not – as have I.   It’s really hard to convince her that I’m not here to break her heart.  But it’s even harder maintaining the lines of communication when, I’m in the same predicament.   I can’t expect her to trust me overnight  especially because I know that I can’t do the same for her.   However, I want to be sure that this is something she wants to do.  She’s decided today.  Undecided tomorrow.   I told her last week that I couldn’t do this with her and that perhaps it would be best if we didn’t see each other anymore.  She calls me the next day saying she wants me in her life. Then the day after that she’s too scared and she doesn’t want to like me , which basically is sending me mixed signals.   Should I stay?  Should I go?   Subsequently she’s made the suggestion we just talk  (no definitions) and just see where the day takes us.   I’m fine with that but I don’t want to put my own heart on hold when it’s possible there are other opportunities waiting for me.   I like her a lot but I’ve already been thru this.  I’ve been thru the waiting period and I don’t think it’s fair to have me wait and remain exclusive to only you when we don’t know if you’re going to jump ship 2 days from now.