You know as a relationship ebbs and flows, you begin to realize just how much or little you are worth to an individual. If it’s the latter, when you first realize it, it starts to hurt. But then you grow so accustomed to it, the pain becomes second nature. Soon enough it’ll lead you to your breaking point where you must say “Uncle!”

I remember when I was the one that made you laugh and made you smile. But things change. They say the honeymoon’s over. But just coz it is doesn’t necessarily mean the marriage is. Now all we do is fight. I feel like I’m trying to keep this relationship together. Like I’m trying to be what you want but somehow I can’t do that. If I go back to just being the anti-social misanthrope I know I can be, I’m damned.

Somehow I don’t think she understands the boundaries betwixt friendship and relationship. I end up getting a phone call about how she’s not going down this route with me simply because she hasn’t heard from me within a day’s time. I have to ask, why am I obligated to call you on a daily basis? Is this something you’ve grown accustomed to when interacting with your groupies? Anyway for the update my week’s been shitty. I’ve managed to lock my keys in my car twice which left me stranded at work the whole entire night. Triple A had too many emergencies that night to get there on time.

Then 2 days later I get into an accident. This isn’t quite how I planned on starting my New Year but I guess I’ll have to kill some old habits. It really wasn’t in the cards to make a New Year’s resolution. I don’t believe in resolutions being made on one single day of the year when they should be planned and executed all throughout the year. My boss says I need to clear my aura. I’m not one to believe in that whole “chi” and “aura” crap, but I do believe in prayer. I think that my walk with God leaves much to be desired, so I think that I’ll need to start anew. I wish I weren’t so jaded sometimes. I wish I was strong enough to stick to my own convictions. But so much has changed over the years.

psy?chop?a?thy

  1. a mental disorder in which an individual manifests amoral and antisocial behavior, lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, extreme egocentricity, failure to learn from experience, etc.

Is this me? I ask myself questions like this every day. This is what puts me at odds with the world at large. The very fact that I ask myself questions one should be asking the Dali Lama. I psychoanalyze myself on a daily basis to determine why I can’t actually maintain long-lasting relationships with the people I love. Why am I so anti-social at times? I wouldn’t even term myself the perfect definition of a loser because losers at least have other losers to rely on. So what exactly am I?

Am I this psychopath? Sometimes I feel like something sinister’s astir within my spirit.

I’m realizing how truly fucked up my world is today. I just broke up with Aquafina about 2 nights ago. I just had to face facts. She is not on my level. I have a pet peeve about folks holding me hostage on the phone while they conduct external conversations with folks in the vicinity. I’ll let you slide if it’s work. I’ll even let you slide to say hello to your best friend. But when you’re so engrossed in your conversation you don’t even hear me when I say your name, there’s a problem. No never mind that. When I ask you to call me when you’re done and you immediately accuse me of having an attitude, then THERE’S A PROBLEM. I have better shyt to do. I work a lot. I work long hours and I’m tired at the end of my day. I could be sleeping but I’m up until the bewitching hour of “3:30am” with you, listening as you chat back and forth with your roommate. How self-centered and ego-maniacal can one person be that they demand all of your time? They’re just happy they have you and you’re officially theirs but never really take the time to know you beyond the scope of fucking you. You know where every single beauty mark is on my body. However you don’t know the kinds of things I get into. Girl what’s my favorite color? What’s my favorite food? Do I believe in God? Am I politician? What do I do on my days off? What are my thought processes? How much do I care about the world around me? What’s the relationship like between my parents and I? You loved me because I listened. I’m good at listening. However I’m human and sometimes I need someone to hear me out too. No I don’t need your pride to outweigh your judgment. I need you to hear me out and understand me. Stop taking offense to the things I say long enough to look at things from not just the Virgo perspective. I am and forever will be different from any other woman you have been with or will encounter. You don’t love me. Because to know me is to love me and you truly didn’t know me. Those who’ve known me have loved me and still do. They’re still there and can even tell when I’m hurting or something’s wrong without my saying anything. I wanted that kind of bond with you but it just ain’t happening.

 

p.s. I know you’ve known her for 10 years. But you’ve only known me a few months. You could’ve gave me the time of day

 

 

Today I ran a few errands. I like doing everything late. I don’t know why but I feel more energized when the sun goes down. I got some groceries – which, much to my chagrin – cost an arm and a leg. I really had no choice because stop & shop was the only grocer open in town. It’s New Years Day and everywhere in Bridgeport becomes a ghost town after a certain time. I called Aquafina. We spoke briefly about our plans for the day. She’s out shopping with her best friend / roommate. Our conversation was unusually polite like we’re each holding back feelings or things we would like to say.

Sometimes her head’s like Fort Knox. It’s pretty difficult to break in. There are however, those rare moments when she divulges the most intimate details of her child hood to me and seems so totally unabashed to recall such memories. It’s amazing; she seems to have been thru so much more in her life than I ever have. Yet, I’m the one with the chip on her shoulder. I can’t really seem to figure her out. There are instances where she speaks so freely with me about her past and then there are moments where she can’t trust me or she has that unmoving feeling that I’m cheating.

I keep getting the feeling she wants someone to sweep her off her feet. Come riding in on a white horse and swoop her up and take her off to some kind of fairy tale land. BITCH!! This ain’t “CHRONICLES OF NARNIA”. Santa Claus is not going to ride up on you in his sleigh and give you magical gifts and you’re not going to inherit a kingdom.

Because my emotions are so volatile, I hold the good in with the bad. You can’t accept one side without accepting the other. To appease her, I’ve just decided to hold back. There is no emotion in my voice when I speak and my face is unreadable.

Dear Diary,

 

 

Maybe it’s just best for me to go it alone. I’m with you but I’m not really with you. I’m feeling so empty and so hollow inside. Like all I have in this world is God and my tears. I know relationships aren’t for me. Women aren’t for me. People aren’t for me. I can trust the things I cannot see but it’s the tangible shyt I can’t wrap my fingers around. I lay in my bed at night staring up at the ceiling in misery because it’s so cold and so dark here and no matter who I get close to, they’ll never really touch my soul. I keep wandering the world looking for fulfillment and everytime I meet a new chick I think she’s the answer. But we both know deep down inside, she’s not the answer. She’s just another distraction.

Backtrack….

 

We went to Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve. I had the nerve to wear one of those little exercise belts from curve that I bought out of an Avon catalog. I’m with Chelsea and Avion and they happened to be talking about this belt when I mention. I got one on right now. Chelsea looks at me in disgust like “what the fuck kind of weight do you need to lose?”