I didn’t really mean to start everything off on a bad note. Tonight’s Christmas night and my brother is here with his wife and kids. I haven’t seen them in a long time and I kind of missed them. Mostly I missed his little boney ass. My bro’s a regular comedian and seems to be able to lighten up any somber mood. He’s more laidback and jovial, whereas I’m more uptight. I’m not really afraid to admit my flaws. I figure that’s the strong point in a person’s character– being able to admit ones flaws. I cooked and baked. Really I just fried chicken and made a half West Indian meal which consisted of fried chicken, rice and peas and some cucumbers and tomatoes on the side– nothing big just something to fill the appetite. I also baked a gingerbread cake and a banana bread cake. After dinner we retired to the living room to watch the “HOUSE” marathon on the big screen. My bro likes house coz he’s such an asshole. He figures I can relate coz according to him; I act just like House.

When did we start having secrets? All of a sudden one can’t see her messages on her IMVU. You know IMVU is like MySpace. I’ve had many a friend who purposely hid their testimonials or comments so that both women in their lives could not see the others comments. Am I being petty coz I’m wondering if that’s what she’s doing? Wondering if this is some kind of game she’s playing? Is it insecurity? I’m only concerned coz I’ve seen other people do it. And by what I’ve come to learn; you can’t really put anything past anyone.

I really hope I’m not turning into my worst nightmare. I’m hoping and praying that I’m not him. I am not my father. I know he doesn’t give a shyt or maybe he didn’t. He wasn’t one for showing emotions much. If that isn’t the case then basically it must mean that I’ve given up. Like I’ve just resigned myself to not givin a fuck.

So I had the following conversation with an old friend:

kiss meshia ii [10:05 P.M.]:
matism
kiss meshia ii [10:05 P.M.]:

can I ask you a question
I MATISM I [10:05 P.M.]:
sure
kiss meshia ii [10:05 P.M.]:
when someone says something to you denigrating who you are as a person.
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:
how do you typically react
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:

or how does it usually make you feel
I MATISM I [10:06 P.M.]:
i would be really mad
I MATISM I [10:06 P.M.]:
n i would go the fuck off
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:
have you ever “not been mad”
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:

not went off?
I MATISM I [10:07 P.M.]:
yea
kiss meshia ii [10:07 P.M.]:
has it ever bothered you?
I MATISM I [10:07 P.M.]:
when i let it go..no
kiss meshia ii [10:07 P.M.]:
no but i mean
kiss meshia ii [10:07 P.M.]:

has there every been a time
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:

when there is just no immediate reaction
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
ever*
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
yea
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
do you know why that is?
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
no i dont
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
it doesn’t make you wonder?
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
not really
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
you know how my mouth is right
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
u ok
I MATISM I [10:09 P.M.]:
yea i know
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
you know how my temper is
I MATISM I [10:09 P.M.]:
yea
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
well someone said something kinda fucked up to me
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
and
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
I wasn’t even mad
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:

I didn’t respond
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:

didn’t react
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
then thats a good thing rii
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
I jus didn’t care
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
there u go
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
is it a good thing if it’s someone you love
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:

aren’t I supposed to care.
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
wow
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
do u love this person
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
yes I do
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
but i really love me more than her
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
there u go
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:
could it be i’m so narcissistic
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

i just couldn’t give a fuck what she says
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:
and if that’s the case
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

is that good for a relationship
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

the next thing is
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

Im a spiritual person
I MATISM I [10:11 P.M.]:
wow idk
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:
and the moment i stop givin a fuck. I start thinking maybe I’ve lost touch with that side
I MATISM I [10:12 P.M.]:
you know u really have to ask urself is it worth losing
kiss meshia ii [10:12 P.M.]:
no it’s not worth losing but my question is how to i get it back. .like how do i start feeling again.
kiss meshia ii [10:12 P.M.]:

coz it’s like i don’t really feel anything
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:
and I hate that
I MATISM I [10:13 P.M.]:
wow gurl thats deep
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:
I just have this really bleak outlook on the world and even tho it’s bleak it doesn’t affect me one way or another
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:

because it’s just Like i’m “MATTER”
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:

i exist to exist.
I MATISM I [10:13 P.M.]:
u have change alot
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:
if i have has it been positive
kiss meshia ii [10:14 P.M.]:
has it been negative
I MATISM I [10:14 P.M.]:
yes
I MATISM I [10:14 P.M.]:
ur growing up lady
kiss meshia ii [10:14 P.M.]:
how is it positive if i just don’t really feel anything though?
I MATISM I [10:14 P.M.]:
the feelings will come back trust
kiss meshia ii [10:16 P.M.]:
i hope so
kiss meshia ii [10:16 P.M.]:

because I don’t really feel human
I MATISM I [10:16 P.M.]:
it will
I MATISM I [10:16 P.M.]:
u pray rii
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:
yeah
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:

not as often as I used to
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:

but I do pray
I MATISM I [10:17 P.M.]:
then pray on it n trust u will see
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:
do you think i’ll find more answers if I pray more
I MATISM I [10:17 P.M.]:
yes
kiss meshia ii [10:18 P.M.]:
then I guess that’s what I need to do
I MATISM I [10:18 P.M.]:
an u will be blessed
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:
thank you for talking ot me
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

to *
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:
mea
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

oops
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

me
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

I don’t feel so lost now
I MATISM I [10:21 P.M.]:
anytime Plat

It’s bothering me that I don’t feel any kind of way about the message she left me on my page. She said I was being immature by attempting to hide my messages. I thought I would be mad but I don’t even feel anything and I don’t really understand why that is. Why am I so calm? Why am I not livid? I don’t know?

Today proves to be a bit uneventful. I’m thinking it’s because I miss her so much or mainly because I miss Texas. I haven’t eaten much over the past 3 days so now I’m feeling a little woozy. I feel fatigued even though I’ve had my 8 hours. I’m sitting here at work watching the clock; waiting for the opportunity to brave the ice to get home. It’s 15 degrees outside but she makes it feel like it’s 50; like it’s warm and sunny. She’s the reason why “it never rains in Southern California”.

Am I the only person who’s annoyed by folks who keep you hanging on the phone whilst they conduct their own outside conversations? I personally feel like there are other things I could be doing other than listening to her yuk it up with her roommate. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not hatin on her roommate. I know they’ve been best friends for 10 years and I know they’re gonna laugh n chat with each other. But shyt if you’re busy, do you. She thinks I’m upset about not receiving the emails of us together. But I’m really just upset that she had me on the phone tryin to get her attention and she was too busy cutting a fool in the background. I felt totally fuckin invisible. But hey whatever it’s the story of my life. Now I’ll just treat her like she don’t exist and move forward.

Pardon me for being close-minded. But how come there are so many males with Lesbian

interests on this site? Better yet, how come males tend to inundate the lesbian chatrooms and

chat sites I’ve been to lately? Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the hairy creatures. I

just can’t seem to fathom why one would give chase to something one cannot have. I signed up

for this virtual reality site back In April after I left the ball scene. Even on this site you’ll

encounter men pretending to be females just to hang around lesbians. I think it’s sickening only

because they’re so deceptive. On the upside the site has been interesting to say the least and

even poses the possibility of an addiction developing. My schedule was freed up because I was no

longer running an organization and had more time to focus on my career and perhaps other

activities. It’s been 2 long years and I was never really able to have a stable relationship – mainly

because I didn’t really have the time to devote to them. In hindsight, most relationships have

been quite a disappointment. So much so, that I’ve spent the last couple of months not really

feeling anything but uncomfortable in my own skin. I’ve probably said and done some things I’m

not proud of but that was only after developing the mindset “this is how the world turns”

So I’m talking to Aquafina tonight, asking her what she’s like when she’s on her flow. She’s a

genuine sweetheart most of the time so I figured she had to be a terror when she was on her

flow. She told me she’s very emotional and very sensitive which is not typically the norm. She

told me that she doesn’t cry unless it’s just that time of the month and her hormones are raging.

She’d made a promise to herself not to let anything or anyone make her cry. I guess it worked.

She can’t cry now. I asked her why that is. She says it’s coz she’s probably tired. I feel exactly

the same way. So many things have happened in my life that have devastated me at some point

or caught me off guard. I tend to put folks up on pedestals too fast and then when they fall I’m

the one left with the disappointment and the heartache. It happened so much that now I just

don’t even care anymore. It’s like I’m halfway expecting people to disappoint me.

So Lately I started trying this new approach which would allow me to look at situations from alternative perspectives. Only because this would allow me to keep an open mind. I’ve found myself questioning motives in the past and now my experiment involves the upbringing.

Work Flow

We were at her house the day after my birthday. I took a shower. She took a shower.
 

She sits on the edge of the bed massaging warm vanilla sugar into her skin.


 I volunteer my services.


 I start massaging the lotion in

Working my way down her arms. 

Down to her Legs

I’m rubbing her legs with lotions and she’s giving me pointers

Telling me I’ve missed spots. So I go back to these key areas to apply

More warm vanilla.

Then she points to the insides of her thighs.

 
 

I chuckle to myself because I’ve already rubbed her thighs with lotion.

 
 

So I go back to her Inner thighs.

And I work my way up to the apex where her thighs meet

And I start to massage the lotion in.

 
 

As I’m rubbing it in she starts to moan softly.

So I rub a little closer.

The closer I get the louder the moan.

So One thing leads to another

And I’m teasing her clit through her boy shorts

And she’s like baby “why are you tickling me”

I Laugh but continue.

Until at some point I’m sliding my finger inside her

And I can feel her wetness and warmth surrounding me

And at this point I feel my own wetness trickling down

And this throbbing sensation between my thighs.
 

So I continue to slide my finger inside.

And as I’m sliding it in, her walls expand and contract to guide me down the passageway.

Whilst they’re expanding and contracting, she’s moaning.

So I lean forward.

Put my lips to her clit

Wrap my lips around it

And I start sucking

And occupying the same space with my

Tongue and my finger

And sucking.

And then she Cums

Histrionics & Such….

Dear Diary,

 

Tonight was hella crazy. I could feel my heartbeat racing (maybe it was just the latte). My Aquafina flow called me today hysterical near tears. I say “baby calm down. What’s the matta!??” She tells me it’s her granny, her sweet ole granny. Her momma called n said “sweetie, granny done shitted on herself and she’s mumbling some crazy shit”. So My Aquafina having the back ground she’s had in HHA, immediately begins to recognize the signs of Stroke. See she’s seen people die from stroke simply because immediate attention was not given. She’s tellin them (her mom n granddad) to call 911.

Grandpa insists he wants someone to come by n clean her up first. So they go thru this shoutin match on the phone about how they need to call 911. Then she calls me, and she’s hysterical. I told her to call 911 even if her mom n grandpa were stubborn. She hangs up to call. So as you can gather I’m a nervous wreck coz I don’t know what’s going on and the whole situation starts to make me think of my own Grandmother who I’ll be calling tomorrow coz it’s the Unholy hour at night and I know she’s asleep.

 

So I stick around in Starbucks waiting to hear from her. I stayed until Starbucks closed. She sends me a text while I’m driving saying they’re conducting x-rays but Grandma is still disoriented. I got all kindsa questions flowing thru my mind. Wondering if she’s gonna be okay. Is it in fact a stroke? If it is, did they catch it in time? Has TPA been administered? Why are we wasting time on xrays when we should be doing cat scans? Then when I get in the house she calls me and tells me that her grandmother seems to have overdosed on Ambien which would explain the disorientation. Apparently she took 6 Ambien and another prescription Med. So my Aquafina’s a nervous wreck, as am I. But I’m relieved that the symptoms weren’t that of a stroke. I haven’t even had the pleasure of meeting her granny yet and I would love to meet her.

Real Nukkas and Bitch Nukkas

So I was gonna talk about sex today but decided against it. There are too many little disturbing things going on here. Like my employee altering records to gain commission credit. Not hot dude. Then of course assuming she was the Manager when the new girl came in and attempting to train her when I hadn’t even arrived. Are we a little uppity here?