sighs she got me goin again.
I know that 99% of the time I push folks away. I thought maybe I could control it but it seems I can’t. I could really use some spiritual guidance right now.
I don’t know if it was the Sex and The City DVD or seeing a photo of my nephew and my new born niece, but I decided I wanted a taste of normalcy in my life. These 2 things gave me a different perspective of the world as is. Everyday I read little blurbs on msn about the economy, the war on terror and our upcoming election and everyday it depresses me. I know the world will never be what it was ten years ago, but seeing that photo and watching that movie reminded me so much of the simple things. The God-Given things that we take for granted. And I remember almost 10 years ago – My 19th Birthday – wanting a marriage, a career, and a boy and a girl. I have one, I’m missing 3 and just 2 days ago I received an email about my High School Reunion. Shit has it been 10 years? Life isn’t always on schedule but as long as we wake up breathing there’s always an opportunity to catch up. So here it is; the tortoise wins the race.
What’s the point of having a relationship when more often than not you feel so alone. Sometimes you feel as iff you’re grabbing on to one last straw to keep it going. despite your efforts it steadily continues to fade to black. It’s so lonely and it hurts so much and you wonder what have you done in your past that might warrant this experience. The only thing warm around here lately are the tear stains. And i guess it hurts even more to know (or to feel) that the feeling isn’t mutual. I call myself facing the music when confronted with the prospect. I wall myself up and hope for the best. I hope that solace will numb my heart and that I won’t ever feel pain again.
Everything you touch turns to shit.
I want to pack my comforter in the back seat of my car and drive down to the beach. I wanna snuggle up there and go to sleep. I’m afraid to close my eyes. . I never wanted this. I don’t know how this happened. Everybody thinks they have the answers to your problems. but no one does. I don’t really feel much. . It’s just so dark here. I can’t feel myself. I can’t feel the blood coursing thru my veins. I don’t feel pain. I’m afraid of the images behind the lids. so I can’t sleep. can’t focus. can’t work. can’t run my hamsters wheel. can’t chase the cheese. can’t resume the normal routine of mediocrity. can’t go back to pretending anyone gives a shyt. coz the truth is out there. We’d like to believe that the world cares coz it’s the only thing that keeps us alive. The only thing that allows us to wake up in the morning and continue (obliviously) with all activities. But it’s bullshit and deep down inside you know it. I know it. We all know it. so why the effrontery? why hold on to some semblance of a fairy tale? what’s the point? please don’t give me that crock a shyt “i’m here for you”, “i luv you”. “if you need a friend, call me” oh and the infamous “people care” propaganda. I can’t hear you. I’m deaf to it. oh then there’s the “whatever hurt you, you can get thru it” . how the fuck do you know something hurt me? how do you know I wasn’t born this way?
It’s indescribable. I feel you slipping thru these fingers like sand.
From a personal perspective, one sometimes grows weary trying to make things happen. I’ve been presented with certain opportunities that would allow my organization to grow positively. But knowing what I know about the members therein, I lack the confidence to continue on. Knowing that one has children who can at times be so petty as to waste their long distance minutes discussing propaganda can be quite problematic and tends to leave one in a state of confusion. How does one proceed forward? asks the control freak. You simply have to operate on the preface of blind faith; which seems easy enough to do when it’s your first stab at leadership. But when it’s your second and you’ve seen this shyt happen more often than not, what is your next alternative? Throw in the towel? Give up the chase and go it alone? How do you weed out the naysayers who can’t simply be honest enough to say “Meesh, I’m not feeling our current situation and would like to leave”? Nothing is ever that easy.
I’ll admit there are some days that I feel so out of touch with my kids. Like I don’t understand them, and it bothers me. Some are just spoiled and others just dance to the beat of their own drum. I guess it bothers me even more if things are done in a manner that is sneaky and offensive to me. I mean if you are an individual with the best of intentions. What is the point of going about things in a way that’s (to the naked eye) underhanded. I try to give everybody the benefit of the doubt and often times when they do things that seem blatantly disrespectful I’ll even try to see things from their perspective. But when it’s done in such a manner as to block me out, I guess it’s unnerving. Don’t get me wrong it’s not one of those “outside looking in high school” situations. It’s the feeling you get when you’re trying to have like that “Mother- Daughter” relationship or “Father –Son” relationship with your child and they just choose to push you away. Then again maybe I’m taking this whole house parent thing too seriously, and sometimes I wonder if I should just let everybody run wild and do as they please. Sometimes I just wonder if I should just do away with the whole mission statement and spending time money effort and resources to achieve the goals of the collective (seemingly). Who said inter-house bonds were supposed to be loose-knit? if anything I thought that being a house parent meant being able to pick up where (often times) the biological parents fall off. Will I be deemed a loser for actually giving a shyt about these kids and the decisions they make? Granted some of them are of age and I can’t tell them what to do because by right it’s not my responsibility. However if they can’t go to their own biological family and they can’t come to me? Then who can they go to?
So there’s this great big black n blue mark on my Leg from Saturdays’ shenanigans. I’m not quite sure how it got there seeing as I was drunk for the better part of the day. Incredible Hulks, Bahama Mamas, Long Island ice teas, St Paul (?) a mass of swirling distant memories. I remember the room spinning and stumbling into the shower to sober up then applying an avocado mask and passing out in Meme’s hotel room on one of the beds. But I don’t quite remember how I got this blurple mark on my leg and it’s been there ever since. Needless to say I had fun. But I’m not doing any rejoicing just yet. As past experience would have it, I’ve visited had fun ate drank and was merry only to encounter ultimate disappointment within the following weeks. So I’m cautious.
I don’t know why it hurt so much. But people surprise you every day. Nobody likes to remain consistent. I know I shouldn’t be worried about the shyt but I really did care for ole girl. I jus don’t know that I like the new image. A lot of that’s been going around lately. The good’s been leaking thru cracks and crevices out of people. Their experiences change them and their perception and I always get caught in the cross-fire. I honestly wish I knew what I did to this female to have her curse me out and block me like she did. And I know I usually don’t give a shyt about things like that. But I guess I had a lot more respect and held her in higher esteem than the rest. The feeling can only be summed up by the term “Shell Shock”.