Why can’t I simply be left alone?  Why revisit my blog year after year after year to tear me down?  What did I ever do to you?

To protect the not-so-innocent, I’ll be using a few pseudonyms. It’s 4:15am on Sept 8^th and I haven’t had much sleep for the past 2 weeks. So many things have occurred to test my patience and my faith. In some cases, I’ve managed to retain my faith in God and ultimately witnessed his work in my life. In others, I’ve come this close (put’s fingers together) to allowing my impulses to rule. My mom was homeless for the last two weeks for reasons I won’t begin to expound on. I just know that it was heartbreaking to see a woman who’s spent the better part of her life giving others the clothes off her back go without shelter. So throughout, I’ve experienced bouts of bitterness rage and helplessness. She was all the way in Florida and here I was in CT sitting up in my bed in my house. The thought never escaped me that while I had somewhere to rest my head, my mom did not and it hurt to know that there wasn’t much I could do to change her situation. But that feeling was only temporary because God proved once again, that he does hear our cries. While I was helpless, I still had God and God was who I sought in order to pull my mother out of the storm. I sought him in earnest, praying and meditating on his word day and night, night and day. And so, one day she calls me and says “Meesh, I’ve found a place to live”. And for that, I was ecstatic but it still chagrined me to know that this was even allowed to happen. The circumstances leading up to it were a constant source of rage over the past 2 weeks. There were so many negative thoughts I wanted to express and there were times when I wanted to take matters into my own hands, hop on the next red eye and land myself a starring role on America’s Most Wanted but I, thru the strength of God, refrained. Any self respecting warm-blooded human being would have been in Florida dukin it out with my Brothers Wife; Ms Cruella Deville. If your “sister-in-law” threatened bodily harm to your mom and threw her out of the house, you’d want to have her fitted for a body bag too. And Lord Knows I DID. But God in his infinite wisdom told me to be patient and trust in him and that is what I did and it is what I will do. All things considered, I am both thankful and relieved that God has answered my prayers and found shelter for my Mom once again proving that he is indeed an Awesome God.

Maybe it’s a given to most, but my Mom is my life. She is the one person I would probably give my life for. So when someone hurts her it’s tantamount to taking a stab at me. It’s hard not to react to that. But at the end of the day I’ll leave you with these passages:

Proverbs 3:5,6 – Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Matthew 6:30 (New International Version)

30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Matthew 18:2-4 (New International Version)

²He called a little child and had him stand among them. ³And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. ⁴Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

• Not in church enough
• Not a member of a large family who attends the church.
• Not a major financial contributor.

So people,  how do we overcome these vices?   Do we boycott the sanctuary?  Do we write to our local pastors?  Do we man up and carry on as if this cliquish cultish mentality is only but a mere figment of our over active imaginations? 

Proverbs 3:5 (New International Version)

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding;

comes to mind.  It’s like that Nike commercial.  I just have to “Do It”.

 ² Now the earth was ^[a] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

 ³ And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

 Do you see that?  How awesome is our God that even in the depths of despair he can utter 4 words and bring about the start of creation and the end to all darkness.    That’s what God has done with my life.  He looked at me and said ” Let there be Light” and there actually was light and there were actually better days and I knew that even though I was surrounded  by all this darkness that God was still here reminding me that there was always something to look forward to.   I’d intended to turn this post into a rant and rave about some of the mundane aspects of my existence but I cannot help but be happy and content that I can find my strength in Jesus.   What would I do without him?   I would be miserable as I had been for the last 10 to 15 years.   As daunting as my present trials may seem,  I have God and God trumps it all.     ….. tootles folks .  I’m off to wally world to buy bed linen.

Romans 1:24-28 (New International Version)

²⁴Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. ²⁵They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

²⁶Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. ²⁷In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

²⁸Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done.

So what got me here today was, I would say, a call from the Holy Spirit. A little voice within me that reminded me what I was doing was wrong.  I believe the scripture speaks about my acts of homosexuality.  But not just that, it also talks about all matters of fornication and sexual depravity.  I thought If I convinced myself that the lust I experienced was in actuality pure and unadulterated love, that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. 

But that was just the little devil on my shoulder talking.   Making me justify my own wrongdoings with what I thought was insight.   Truly I was foolish.  There was this part of me begging to find it’s way back to God.   I truly wanted and needed God but I was so caught up in the flesh that I had chosen to put God on the back burner.   Everyday I’d say  “Not now Jesus”.     But now, I’m appalled at my actions.  I am humbled by God because I know that his forgiveness of my sin was thru His grace.    I find it amazing that God can be so merciful as to forgive a sinner like me of all my wrong doings, knowing full well that I did not and do not deserve it.  It’s like we struggle each day to exercise faith in God yet he seems to invest more in us that we do him. I’ll admit that this walk is anything but easy.  But I’m in a better place now than I was last year or the year before that.   I feel like I am walking in the light of Jesus and that he truly has a plan for me.  I pray each day that I do not fail him.  

• Not showing up for work Late anymore
• Handling customer calls in a more courteous manner.
• exhibiting a little more patience in instances where I would typically  have gone over the deep end.

In all my frustration with God, I’d thought that maybe my changes were too slow in coming.  But after much prayer and meditation.  God spoke to me letting me know that he’s heard my pleas and he is working

with me to make the changes I need in order to become  a better servant.  Pride is still one of the obstacles, I am trying to overcome.  But I know that God will create in me a clean heart and a renewed steadfast spirit  (Psalms 51:10).  For that  I am grateful.

For weeks now I’d been asking God for my calling.  Asking him what it was he needed me to to do and on Sunday he answered my prayers.   I’ve been double-dipping between 2 churches of late.  (see I haven’t found a church home as yet).  There is one church in which the members are few but very warm and welcoming.  Then one in which the members are many but kind of cliquish.    Here’s a list of pro’s and con’s for Church #1.

Church #1

Pros

• Lively  Service

• Great Choir

• Very Inspirational

Cons

• Not room for much to be done by ordinary members.

• Leadership has penchant for ignoring you unless you're related to one of them

• I've been to about 5 of their services and have yet to hear the the Pastor invite people to accept Christ as their Savior

Church #2

Pros

• Very Sociable People

• Leadership down to earth and approachable

• more geared towards bringing souls to Christ.

• Always in need of volunteers from the congregation so it gives one the chance to become a part of something.

Cons

• Very few members (church had a lot at some point but rumor has it, a family scandal pushed members away from the church)

• Choir is not the best

So God’s been putting it in my head that If I started attending church #2 that I could do a  lot of good there.  I mean I’m far from a preacher or anything like that, but I know I should have some useful skills that would help in boosting membership.  I will be checking out Church#2 this weekend once again.  The first service I went to wasn’t too impressive but that could possibly be because they had a new preacher (I mean a fresh out of Seminary rookie) who kept stumbling over his words.  I know he meant well.  I just get the feeling that they all mean well and have set out to do the Lord’s work.  I just believe they need a helping hand.   Far be it for me to assume the responsibility but I’ve always been a sucker for the underdog and God has impressed it upon me long enough to know it’s not a fluke.     The question  is, where do I start?

⁶The mind of sinful man^[a] is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;

Having spent many years in search of fulfillment, I’ve finally grown to understand the meaning of this verse.   You see when I was without God, I was empty inside looking to fill the void.  I  spent many days depressed and in mourning not knowing wat it was exactly that I was mourning.  Even when I chased after the momentary pleasures of the flesh, there was still this void that needed to be filled.   My soul was still in turmoil.   I was never happy.  I was always miserable.  I always felt as if I were alone in my own personal hell.  I was never satisfied.  And then I found my way back to Jesus and I found true happiness and true purpose.   So I’m now able to break this verse down.   The death that Paul speaks about in Romans is that void we spend our lives trying to fill.   It’s not just a literal death but a figurative one.   We are nothing  more than mollusks roaming the earth until we choose to believe in God’s plan for us.  Until we choose to believe that God sent his only son to cover us in grace by being the propitiation for our sins. 

 ⁹You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. ¹⁰But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. ¹¹And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

^{The life that the Spirit bestows upon you is none other than the feeling of joy and completion in knowing that the Lord is with you every step of the way.  Guiding your footsteps and allowing you to come out of the muck and mire.   It is the ultimate high.  It is what we’ve spent the majority of our lives trying to find on our own terms.  and would you believe, that had it not been for Jesus laying down his life for our sins we would never know the joy of God?  It is amazing how his grace covers us after all the wrongs we have done.   For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.}