Part of me feels as though it is inevitable that he will cheat with this girl (although the means aren’t physically there).    I know it’s all really silly but i can’t help but feeling the way I did when I was with Loni and she wouldn’t get rid of that bitch mahogany.   So many times I’d been disrespected only to find out they were fucking each other.   It makes me feel like that’s what he’s doing.  Only difference this time around is that, I am preparing myself for the blow.

Fight or Flight

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

I’m doing it.  I’m surviving ain’t I?   Or… Maybe I’m already dead.   I don’t quite feel dead though.   You know everyday I wake up relieved.  Relieved i have yet another opportunity to fuck my life up oh so much more than I already have.  Therein lies the onerous  decision making process.   To err or not to Err.  That is the question.

My Boyfriend.  Yes  I refer to him as such because he’s been the most loyal individual in my life over the span of 10 years.  The most loyal at least until now.  He doesn’t cheat.   It isn’t cheating if your lover knows about it.  He just finds ways to be in everyone elses corner but mine.   Maybe that’s putting it harshly.   Maybe him hanging out with certain girls I don’t approve of and who are blatantly disrespectful of our relationSHIT, isn’t a direct slap in the face.  And Maybe I’m the fucking Dalai Lama.    In any case  for some reason unbeknownst to me, I love the man.  And you know what the cure-all is for loving someone who doesn’t take quite as much stock in you?   it’s  walking away. 

He says to me today that if a woman is going to cheat he has no control over that and therefore it’s pointless to harang over it.   This is true indeed but it seems as if they (the men) turn their emotions on and off like water faucets and subsequently expect the rest of the world to follow suit.     He assumes that because he shrugs shit off that everyone else should too.  but no two people are made alike.  We have our ways in which we like to handle situations and the key to making a relationship work between two people who obviously are not of the same mindset, is to compromise  (find middle ground).    But how does one even begin to do that when the other party involved can’t even see your p.o.v.?   How do you come to some sort of amicable crossroads when He doesn’t see why you would be upset at him ditching you for late night chat with cartoons  

That being the case, ladies what would you do if your man just acted like he didnt’ give a fuck?   If you’re talking to him about the status of your  relationship that he admittedly says he cherishes, and he falls asleep how would you handle that?  Do you flip the light switch?  Do you just take a mental hiatus?  Spend time with self?  Get the fuck-em Dress on n do your Single ladies dance?   What is it that you do to take the edge off?  short of having an affair.  Sleeping with someone else ain’t gone make you feel better.  yes I know ur shaking your head and saying “leave him” but like that dog sittin on that nail  I guess I jus ain’ hurtin enough.    I decided to leave him without leaving him.   I’m taking a little hiatus all by my lonesome.  Call it a spiritual journey if you will.   He will miss me and I will miss him but i figure it’s the best way to clear my mind.  And maybe when I come back I’ll decide   there’s something better out there for me (and perhaps pigs will fly).

a weeks worth of sleepless nights

10 years later and he’s back in my life.  my feelings are somehow convoluted.  I know what  my long-term goals are.  I’m just not sure if they include him.   The odds are stacked high against us.  But yet I find myself acting like some crazed teenager again.  He’s had a hard life.  The likes of which, i’ve never had the misfortune to experience.

So it makes it hard for us to relate.   You know when you are missing certain things in life it tends to incite hunger inside you.  You tend to want to strive harder to obtain those things.  I think that’s what he does.   And because I don’t strive for the same things he does, it drives a rift between us.   I want that American Pie dream (well not exactly “Americah Pie”).  He wants money.   Maybe as the Alpha Male it defines his worth.   But I want something simpler.   Friendship, Loyalty and reliability.   He is downright Amoral and the things I find horrific he finds  mundane.   We often clash on those points alone.  Yet  I can’t leave him alone.


Step 1: Facing Fears

He thinks I’m gonna hurt him.  (at least that’s what he says). I think he’s gonna hurt me. Rather, I fear he will hurt me.  Nothing’s for certain.   But today I decided to face my fears.   I made a conscious decision to stop running.   Now he may not be ideal for me. But here is where it all starts.  Today is the beginning of the rest of your life  Meesh.   You have but one feat to accomplish and it is to open up yourself again.  Something you haven’t been able to do in quite such a long time.    You’re not doing it for his benefit.  You’re doing it for yours.  Coz if you can open your heart up in this relationship imagine what you can do in the next.

The thing that goes bump in the night is the thought of never completely giving yourself to anyone.  never fully trusting and feeling comfortable in that trust. 

My Life is an Open Book

Though this may disappoint some of my lesbian “friends” (if one may call them that).   I’ve made the decision to start batting for the other team. And as I say this we got folks shakin their heads in disgust.   Mainly the person who spent more than half a year following my journal.  I don’t know maybe you had some hope that we would be an “us” again.  Who knows?   But all that I do know is yes I fux with men now.  Yes I decided that if I was to have longevity and kids and a family that It wasn’t going to be with a female.  I can’t knock the lesbian couples who raise kids together.  That is their forte.  But it is not mine.  And as a Human Being with basic rights I feel it is my right to make my choice of what direction my life will lead.  

It’s really crazy, how she logged on to secondlife after 6 months to ask me if I’m back with men now and had the nerve to act disgusted when she had spent part of her existence whoring her ex out on the internet.   How do you turn your nose up when you were nothing less than a pimp some odd years ago selling your girlfriend’s body for money? 

So your ex says she’s back with men and suddenly you have the nerve to be mad, or irritated?  Why?

She’s your Ex.  WHY DO YOU CARE!!!!???


grrll gone soft

for what it’s worth

I’m sorry I couldn’t relax
I’m sorry I was the control freak
I’m sorry I wanted what we had
to be like what they write in the books
or show on the tv screen
I was reading off a script
and when things didn’t go according to plan
or according to the script
I lost it.
That is my shortcoming and my lack of happiness had nothing to do with you.
I wish you the best because you deserve it.


Will I Ever

can’t really put into words how i’m feelin  so I posted a video.  I want what most people want.  Maybe I want it because I want to feel like a normal human being.   But normal feels like such a relative term with which to compare oneself.   Could it be my wishes and dreams are the wishes and dreams everyone else had years ago?   the hope to be with someone and to mesh so well with that person to build with this person have kids with this person and raise kids with them.   do I want something that nobody wants anymore?