]

i’m pretty positive my efforts will not be rewarded with …….

a weeks worth of sleepless nights

10 years later and he’s back in my life.  my feelings are somehow convoluted.  I know what  my long-term goals are.  I’m just not sure if they include him.   The odds are stacked high against us.  But yet I find myself acting like some crazed teenager again.  He’s had a hard life.  The likes of which, i’ve never had the misfortune to experience.

So it makes it hard for us to relate.   You know when you are missing certain things in life it tends to incite hunger inside you.  You tend to want to strive harder to obtain those things.  I think that’s what he does.   And because I don’t strive for the same things he does, it drives a rift between us.   I want that American Pie dream (well not exactly “Americah Pie”).  He wants money.   Maybe as the Alpha Male it defines his worth.   But I want something simpler.   Friendship, Loyalty and reliability.   He is downright Amoral and the things I find horrific he finds  mundane.   We often clash on those points alone.  Yet  I can’t leave him alone.

 

Step 1: Facing Fears

He thinks I’m gonna hurt him.  (at least that’s what he says). I think he’s gonna hurt me. Rather, I fear he will hurt me.  Nothing’s for certain.   But today I decided to face my fears.   I made a conscious decision to stop running.   Now he may not be ideal for me. But here is where it all starts.  Today is the beginning of the rest of your life  Meesh.   You have but one feat to accomplish and it is to open up yourself again.  Something you haven’t been able to do in quite such a long time.    You’re not doing it for his benefit.  You’re doing it for yours.  Coz if you can open your heart up in this relationship imagine what you can do in the next.

The thing that goes bump in the night is the thought of never completely giving yourself to anyone.  never fully trusting and feeling comfortable in that trust. 

My Life is an Open Book

Though this may disappoint some of my lesbian “friends” (if one may call them that).   I’ve made the decision to start batting for the other team. And as I say this we got folks shakin their heads in disgust.   Mainly the person who spent more than half a year following my journal.  I don’t know maybe you had some hope that we would be an “us” again.  Who knows?   But all that I do know is yes I fux with men now.  Yes I decided that if I was to have longevity and kids and a family that It wasn’t going to be with a female.  I can’t knock the lesbian couples who raise kids together.  That is their forte.  But it is not mine.  And as a Human Being with basic rights I feel it is my right to make my choice of what direction my life will lead.  

It’s really crazy, how she logged on to secondlife after 6 months to ask me if I’m back with men now and had the nerve to act disgusted when she had spent part of her existence whoring her ex out on the internet.   How do you turn your nose up when you were nothing less than a pimp some odd years ago selling your girlfriend’s body for money? 

So your ex says she’s back with men and suddenly you have the nerve to be mad, or irritated?  Why?

She’s your Ex.  WHY DO YOU CARE!!!!???

 

grrll gone soft

for what it’s worth

I’m sorry I couldn’t relax
I’m sorry I was the control freak
I’m sorry I wanted what we had
to be like what they write in the books
or show on the tv screen
I was reading off a script
and when things didn’t go according to plan
or according to the script
I lost it.
That is my shortcoming and my lack of happiness had nothing to do with you.
I wish you the best because you deserve it.

 

Will I Ever

can’t really put into words how i’m feelin  so I posted a video.  I want what most people want.  Maybe I want it because I want to feel like a normal human being.   But normal feels like such a relative term with which to compare oneself.   Could it be my wishes and dreams are the wishes and dreams everyone else had years ago?   the hope to be with someone and to mesh so well with that person to build with this person have kids with this person and raise kids with them.   do I want something that nobody wants anymore?  

He’s Just not that into you

i’m going to start my life over somewhere else.   31 and an introvert.   I feel the need to get back out there and resume the life of a normal 30 something.   No 30’s not the new 20 but it’s still the age of exploration for me.  Still the opportunity to discover new things.     I’m stackin my chips  for the next 3 months.  Then I’m gonna move out of my comfort zone to a place where no one knows my name.  I’m leaving behind a lot of luggage  so I can accumulate new clutter.   i haven’t achieved the milestones of most of my friends and cohorts but I still have oxygen, breath and the opportunity to really Live.   2010 with God’s Blessing will be My year.   The year of the Meesh

 

: )

Agoraphobia

is a bitch when you’re me.   Shit it’s a bitch when you’re anybody.   I’ve gone beyond the realms of introversion.  I’ve developed this aversion to traveling outdoors lately.  No meesh didn’t go out for new years eve or Christmas eve for that matter.   I keep thinking impending doom lay waits me.   I avoid large crowds and celebrations.   Even though i miss the partying and I miss the events.   But shit it’s a recession out there and it’s not like I can afford to blow money anyway.   I’ve seen middle class folks panhandling on the streets.It makes shit all the more real to me because one day that could be me and that one day doesn’t even seem so far away.   So I’m penny-pinching like a motherfucker.  

But that’s enough of that.   Lately I’ve been mulling over my own sexuality.   See  I sort of ran into an ex boyfriend from 10 years ago on the internet and it broached some serious questions in my mind.   Ok I’m lying the questions were there b4 he came around.   it just seemed like kismet.    I haven’t actually done it yet, but I’m wondering if there’s anyway I’d go back to schlepping men.  Don’t get me wrong,  I’m still attracted to females but I think that father time’s telling me I need some semblance of normalcy in my life and how much normalcy can a chick get marrying another chick.   I’m not against gay marriage but I just don’t think it’s my cup of tea.    And no, the lesbian thing wasn’t some kind of pre-designed stint.   I just find that I’m in a state of emotional confusion at this point and I’m thinking that my leaning towards the opposite sex could be due in part to my not wanting so much intimacy and wanting to remain closed off.  And lets’ face it men are popular for  the “not giving a shit” just like I am.   Considering I haven’t actually been with a male in 10 years I wouldn’t even know how to go about fucking a dude again.    And if I were to undertake such a task (and a task it is),  wouldn’t it just be a sham.   I don’t know that I could feel real love for any man.   I haven’t come across one thus far that I’d carve my heart out for.   I’ve never shed tears over a man b4 but I’ve shed lots of saline over women.   They seem to have a far more mind boggling effect on me than men and I guess that’s why I’m leaning back towards the opposite sex.

Insane Banter

I am totally and emotionally drained.   It’s  due in part to the accumulation of more responsibility in my life.   I know you ask why I’m complaining.   Responsibility is a part of the package.  It comes with adulthood.   it’s just that i feel so tired inside.   it’s not one of those physical stresses.  It’s more mental.   It’s like I can’t wait for the day to come when I just  cease to exist.   And  NO i am  NOT suicidal .    I just feel like I’m on a hamster’s wheel and something needs to change.   If i could reinvent myself and start a new life I would.    But then there’s no guarantee I’d be happy is there?   I am glad for the little things in life.   Like getting up  in the mornings,  enjoying some good coffee with half n half and 6 sugars and a nice book.   Simple pleasures like that keep me fueled for the day’s b.s. and I guess if I were to cease to exist then I wouldn’t have those simple pleasures.   I don’t talk much to anyone about how I feel because it’s pretty useless.   People do not care and they never will.   It’s just human nature and it’s something I’ve come to grips with.    It’s not a good or a bad thing about Humans.   It’s just a grey area.   Sort of like Purgatory. 

I guess I believe that no one cares because I in truth do not care about half the inane mumblings  on the opposite end of my phone when friends call.  It’s all monotonous drone to me.   One girl complains about her inability to remain faithful in a relationship.   One guy complains about how depressed he has been, yet for some reason he can’t pinpoint why he’s depressed so even if I was actually listening to what he said, there was nothing I could do about it because he can’t actually say why he’s depressed.   One of those rare cases where I’d encourage the use of drugs.   But everyone who calls has their own problems and are so deeply immersed in them that it’s pointless to start the conversation off with “how are you?”   because the fact of the matter is;  “how I am”   matters not when your star players (as Katt would say)  is You.    So I’ve done away with polite conversation starters and just gone straight for the gist of things.

 

Hello I’m calling because I want money.  Or Hello I’m calling because I need sex and NOTHING else.