• African American

    Summer Romance

    you are forcing the issue between us.  I feel as though we are drifting apart and that we are very much the cliff analogy I described to you  earlier.  you say that your focus is only on me but there are times when we have conversations in which you just drift off elsewhere. You zone out.  your mind is never with me.  I cannot keep your attention gunz and at this point I feel myself going thru the motions knowing that at some point our relationship will run its course.  Your statements and you’re averring to love me and only me, sound like words said to assuage your troubled mind. …

  • African American

    so as it turns out meesh had to eat her words along with a nice helping of humble pie.   The girl is not his sidechick.  Never really was.  She was/is someone who fell in love with him because he is just a great person.   Paradox much?   Let me fill you in on the details.  Because i’ve been expounding on  the bad and the ugly, but not the good.  He’s an overall great guy.  It took me a while to understand that.  He doesn’t do these things for the ego-boost but simply because if it came down to it,  he’d give you the shirt off his back.  And it doesn’t matter how fucked…

  • African American

    Part of me feels as though it is inevitable that he will cheat with this girl (although the means aren’t physically there).    I know it’s all really silly but i can’t help but feeling the way I did when I was with Loni and she wouldn’t get rid of that bitch mahogany.   So many times I’d been disrespected only to find out they were fucking each other.   It makes me feel like that’s what he’s doing.  Only difference this time around is that, I am preparing myself for the blow.

  • Lifestyle

    Fight or Flight

    To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; I’m doing it.  I’m surviving ain’t I?   Or… Maybe I’m already dead.   I don’t quite feel dead though.   You know everyday I wake up relieved.  Relieved i have yet another opportunity to fuck my life up oh so much more than I already have.  Therein lies the onerous  decision making process.   To err or not to Err.  That is the question.

  • African American

    My Boyfriend. Yes I refer to him as such because he's been the most loyal individual in my life over the span of 10 years. The most loyal at least until now. He doesn't cheat. It isn't cheating if your lover knows about it. He just finds ways to be in everyone elses corner but mine. Maybe that's putting it harshly. Maybe him hanging out with certain girls I don't approve of and who are blatantly disrespectful of our relationSHIT, isn't a direct slap in the face. And Maybe I'm the fucking Dalai Lama.

  • Abuse,  African American,  Family,  Honesty,  Love,  Relationships,  Trust

    a weeks worth of sleepless nights

    10 years later and he’s back in my life.  my feelings are somehow convoluted.  I know what  my long-term goals are.  I’m just not sure if they include him.   The odds are stacked high against us.  But yet I find myself acting like some crazed teenager again.  He’s had a hard life.  The likes of which, i’ve never had the misfortune to experience. So it makes it hard for us to relate.   You know when you are missing certain things in life it tends to incite hunger inside you.  You tend to want to strive harder to obtain those things.  I think that’s what he does.   And because I don’t strive…

  • Uncategorized

    Step 1: Facing Fears

    He thinks I’m gonna hurt him.  (at least that’s what he says). I think he’s gonna hurt me. Rather, I fear he will hurt me.  Nothing’s for certain.   But today I decided to face my fears.   I made a conscious decision to stop running.   Now he may not be ideal for me. But here is where it all starts.  Today is the beginning of the rest of your life  Meesh.   You have but one feat to accomplish and it is to open up yourself again.  Something you haven’t been able to do in quite such a long time.    You’re not doing it for his benefit.  You’re doing it for yours. …

  • Uncategorized

    My Life is an Open Book

    Though this may disappoint some of my lesbian “friends” (if one may call them that).   I’ve made the decision to start batting for the other team. And as I say this we got folks shakin their heads in disgust.   Mainly the person who spent more than half a year following my journal.  I don’t know maybe you had some hope that we would be an “us” again.  Who knows?   But all that I do know is yes I fux with men now.  Yes I decided that if I was to have longevity and kids and a family that It wasn’t going to be with a female.  I can’t knock the…

  • Uncategorized

    grrll gone soft

    for what it’s worth I’m sorry I couldn’t relax I’m sorry I was the control freak I’m sorry I wanted what we had to be like what they write in the books or show on the tv screen I was reading off a script and when things didn’t go according to plan or according to the script I lost it. That is my shortcoming and my lack of happiness had nothing to do with you. I wish you the best because you deserve it.