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    Will I Ever

    can’t really put into words how i’m feelin  so I posted a video.  I want what most people want.  Maybe I want it because I want to feel like a normal human being.   But normal feels like such a relative term with which to compare oneself.   Could it be my wishes and dreams are the wishes and dreams everyone else had years ago?   the hope to be with someone and to mesh so well with that person to build with this person have kids with this person and raise kids with them.   do I want something that nobody wants anymore?  

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    He’s Just not that into you

    i’m going to start my life over somewhere else.   31 and an introvert.   I feel the need to get back out there and resume the life of a normal 30 something.   No 30’s not the new 20 but it’s still the age of exploration for me.  Still the opportunity to discover new things.     I’m stackin my chips  for the next 3 months.  Then I’m gonna move out of my comfort zone to a place where no one knows my name.  I’m leaving behind a lot of luggage  so I can accumulate new clutter.   i haven’t achieved the milestones of most of my friends and cohorts but I still have oxygen,…

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    Agoraphobia

    is a bitch when you’re me.   Shit it’s a bitch when you’re anybody.   I’ve gone beyond the realms of introversion.  I’ve developed this aversion to traveling outdoors lately.  No meesh didn’t go out for new years eve or Christmas eve for that matter.   I keep thinking impending doom lay waits me.   I avoid large crowds and celebrations.   Even though i miss the partying and I miss the events.   But shit it’s a recession out there and it’s not like I can afford to blow money anyway.   I’ve seen middle class folks panhandling on the streets.It makes shit all the more real to me because one day that could be me…

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    Insane Banter

    I am totally and emotionally drained.   It’s  due in part to the accumulation of more responsibility in my life.   I know you ask why I’m complaining.   Responsibility is a part of the package.  It comes with adulthood.   it’s just that i feel so tired inside.   it’s not one of those physical stresses.  It’s more mental.   It’s like I can’t wait for the day to come when I just  cease to exist.   And  NO i am  NOT suicidal .    I just feel like I’m on a hamster’s wheel and something needs to change.   If i could reinvent myself and start a new life I would.    But then there’s no guarantee I’d…

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    Camille Leon

    What am I going to do about my present situation?  My sanity’s in dire straits.   I damn sure am not going to confide in family.  I mean what the fuck for?  Isn’t it a little late to patch up old wounds?  A lot of shit has been left unsaid.   But some how i manage to disguise it in bitter jokes and manage to give off this cynical charm like: “this shit is so much old news that It doesn’t bother be now. It’s soooo … water under a bridge… that I’m cool on it.”    I make the little comments like “Knives without forks give me flashbacks” –accompanied by a chuckle—…

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    Mental Well Being

    My brother’s an alcoholic wife beating bottom feeding bastard –almost in every sense of the words.   Yet, somewhere deep (I mean DEEP) down inside I pity him.   A part of me whispers a silent prayer for him each day hoping he’ll change some aspect of his flawed mentality.   I can’t bring myself to hate him enough, and try as I might to deny he’s any relation—He is still my brother.   But who am I to feel pity towards him or to even pray on his behalf when I’ve got my own mental maladies and skeletons.  I’ve fallen into some kind of robotic depression.   I’ve closed myself off to the world…

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    Dear Jane, It’s not you. It’s me.

    You know I’m never calling you again right?   It’s not because I don’t love you. Because I do.   I love you enough to keep you away from me because I know that you deserve better than what I can offer you.   I’d hate to hold you hostage while I made up my mind to be consistent and be all that you needed and deserved in a woman.  My life has not yet come full circle and being as incomplete as I am, I fear there is not much that I can offer you.   You once said that you feared you were out of my league but the truth is; I…

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    Just too ‘GOOD’ to be true

    I just got finished reading this book by the late E. Lynn Harris.  There were some truths that I came to accept while reading the book and in some way they awakened a spark of hope inside me.  The book is about skeletons.   You know the kind of skeletons we keep in our closets.   The skeletons we hide while portraying a picture perfect existence to the world.   Sometimes I think about what my life would’ve been like had I confessed some of my earlier wrong-doings.   Be that as it may, there still isn’t a strong enough argument to convince me to leave myself wide open.   I just know that I…

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    Paradox

    The paradox that is me.   or maybe it isn’t a paradox after all.  There is such a thing as a Gay Christian isn’t there?   I’ve been trying to make these tiny little changes in my life.   A bible verse to start or end the day gives me a sense of direction as I’ve been miserably flailing like a fish out of water for the past 7 years.   I remember being as sure of myself as I was of my own footing on solid ground .   But I was 7 years younger and 20 lbs Lighter then.   Today, the notions that swim around in my brain consist of  deep theological processes;…