I was supposed to call Dad on Saturday. I’d made a silent vow a few weeks back that he’d hear from me. I love my Dad but he talks too much. I’m not the chatterbox type and I can’t stand people who talk too much. Which probably explain why I don’t use the phone often to call folks and why I’m so difficult to deal with in Long Distance relationships. My tongue –being the two-edged sword that it is – has always been my one flaw. So I choose to use it less. I’ve never quite known how to use tact when expressing my feelings or voicing an opinion which can sometimes prove fatal to any conversation to be had. As the old adage goes: “if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all.”
What makes you so special?……
Still nothing can fill the void in my heart. My loins follow my heart and will ultimately find satisfaction in my hearts content. I’ve look at most of the women in my life. Past or Present and asked, What makes you so special? I know that I’m searching for the impossible but my quest continues. I’d like her to be:
- Well put together
- Wise beyond her years
- Laidback but with a touch of class. Not necessarily elitist class but by no means AMORAL.
- She loves to cook (a girl after my own Heart).
- She’s ambitious
- She’s supportive
- She’s objective
- She cares about her appearance but isn’t overtly vain.
- sensitive to the touch. But strong when you need her to be
Maybe my prerequisites are too much. In fact, they are. But a girl can dream
The list of things I do not need:
- mutability (she should just be. but not mold herself to be)
I’m not at the helm of the blogging community. No one died and dubbed me “Maya Angelou” or “Toni Morrison” for that matter. But there are just a few things that get my goat.
- Inflammatory Blogs
- Blogs chocked full-a-ADS and pop-ups.
- and the oh-so-annoying Vogue quiz Magazines.
Is this all that sums up your existence? Your Maury Povich lifestyle and your “how to keep your man/woman questionnaires”.
- Epic Realizations
- Range - Broadened Horizons
This is what lets us know we exist for a reason.
Things didn’t go exactly as planned this year. I was supposed to move to DC or VA but then bossman pulled a switch on us. We all lost our jobs with the exception of “P” who was offered a position in VA. Actually S and C quit before their exit dates. Under the seemingly depressing circumstances, I found some semblance of a blessing in that I’ve moved on to bigger and better ventures with God’s help. I’m now working on a trial basis with the local cable company which for me is a step in the right direction(It’ll look good on my Resume). If all goes well then I should be seeing a sizeable increase in my pay. Besides the pay being an added incentive, I’m finding more motivation from working in a much more efficient and well-structured environment. There’s something about working with individuals who possess an equally strong work ethic that gets the Juices flowing. For the past year I’d found myself to be as some would call it; “JADED”. But now, I’m hauling ass to get to work and finding myself wanting to give 110% once again. For the first time I’m actually working for an enterprise who cares about the needs and rights of the “little people” and I gotta tell ya; This shit feels good!!
I sure wish that I could ebb the tide of discomfort I feel here in America. But the older I get the more homesick I am. Sadly enough, I can’t go home. I can’t go home to homophobia and gay bashing and hate crimes incited by homophobia. I really just feel like I don’t belong anywhere. And now thanks to today’s little episode, I’m as uncomfortable in my own skin as I am living in this country. So i happened across this new little virtual reality site called Second Life. Everything’s been great at least until today. Now let me say this, I’ve never experienced racism in all it’s glory until today. In case you folks don’t know, I’m a Black Lesbian. 2 slights against my character. I’m as they would say, “a nigger”, and “ a deviant”. So I’m in today’s voice chat. The participants are of mixed heritage–Some, Caucasian American most, are of European descent – when this young woman approaches the microphone. She says how she doesn’t like black people, to which her friend responds “that’s racist”. Now I’ve actually seen her around before. She’s always playing these little wav files or sound files depicting ignorant African Americans working in Fast Food Facilities. I initially thought maybe she was doing that for my benefit but decided to dismiss it. But today after the statement was made. I took a look at her profile, just to see if maybe she herself was black and that this was just like an inside Joke. But then I see by her real pictures that she’s not black and I also happen to come across the following image which made my blood boil:
Everything fueling our passion is Rage , Anger, and bloodlust. Its what wages our wars, continues our strife and our struggles. Most of us don’t even remember what we’re fighting for. We lost sight of that decades ago. we raise our children in the same bloodlust and thirst for revenge and we expect everyone else to do better . So I’ve come to understand the saying in the bible stands true. Turn the other cheek. It’s something that is hard for us as humans to do, but I think that if at some point one of us decides to “be the bigger man” , our wars will end and we won’t lose so many of our innocent. We are all human despite our differences. Despite our varying beliefs.
“One morning, at about two o’clock my friend was at a dance in the community. He was enjoying himself and dancing when suddenly there was a gunshot and a bullet hit my friend in the back of his head. He turned around – and they shoot him in his face three more times. He fell and they shoot him as he lay on the ground. They then announced that I was next. Hearing that, I run from the community and have been moving from house to house trying to avoid homelessness…”
It makes it hard to embrace a culture whose first resolution to societal differences is violence. Folks always took Caribbean Homophobia for an old wives tale. But I kid you not, this shyt is real. I can almost understand why my brother left his gay cousin to the mercy of his attackers. To even associate with gay men or women is in and of itself an unofficial crime. often times those perceived in the company of homosexuals fall victim to the same fates. If you aren’t clear on the fate of a gay man or lesbian living in present-day Jamaica, then you should read the following : http://www.asylumlaw.org/docs/sexualminorities/worldpolicyinstitute_americas_LGBTrights.pdf
What’s so ironic is that the above graphic was originally intended to depict the diversity of this Island I once called home. But after doing some keyword searches on my old high school and neighboring schools I found that the lesbian traits I so staunchly exhibit are not exactly welcomed in my hometown or even my old high school. It is almost a paradox that a culture known for it’s racial diversity would be such a huge proponent for anti-gay violence. I’d call it homophobia but that wouldn’t be doing it justice. So now here I sit with conflicting emotions. Self hate swirling around in my mind because as a Jamaican I should definitely not be engaging in sexual intercourse with individuals of the same sex. Am I supposed to hate who I am? Hate my own sexuality? Or am I supposed to renounce my own culture and background? The place I called home for 13 years is no longer a haven for me and being so blatantly gay, It would be remiss for me to make any attempts at moving back there.
Sweethearts you have not known hardship until you’ve experienced what it’s like to grow up Gay in Jamaica. I was gay before I even knew such a term existed and this smirk spreads across my face as I read the article on on homosexuality in High School (High school Girls Gone Gay!!). I was a practicing Lesbian in Queens High School before the word or subject was ever broached in the Gleaner. They talk about us like we’re infestations like we’re the bane of mankind. How can a country so “diverse” uphold such a brazen disregard for human rights? “Out of many one people” does not actually guarantee equal rights to the many does it? Are we actually One People? or does the fine print exclude gays and lesbians?
So I won’t be going back unless it’s for a death in the family. I’m boycotting Jamaica.
I know this isn’t the same as the one before me. I trust that if her plate wasn’t so full things would be different. But I don’t trust my own feelings and my own heart. I’m breaking my own heart keeping things the way they are. I can only get out now while the gettin’s good. Perhaps the last thing she needed to hear at that time was lets just take a step back. But you know how Katt put it. You got to look out for your star player. Right now my star player’s playing with injuries. I kinda feel like there’s something there between them and deny it as she might. You can’t go thru a roller coaster ride with someone you’re not in love with. They can’t affect you like that. My ex wanted me back and tho I love her I wasn’t in love with her and I guess that her coming back didn’t really phase me. But I’m different from most. Maybe love is all it takes for someone to push your buttons the way they do. I don’t know. But I do know that I can’t have myself in such a tight spot anymore. This situation reminds me of the last in that “she swore there was nothing left” then in the middle of what we had going who pops up but the ex. Only difference here is at least this one’s honest.
I’m reading a book “Not Easily Broken” by T.D. Jakes. It gives me an alternative perspective on love triangles or the pre-existing attraction between the would-be infidel and mistress. I say would-be because there isn’t a definitive line on when it becomes infidelity? Is it wrong when the mental attraction develops or is it wrong when things become physical? We’re all human we all tend to have our own wants needs and desires. But when you’re in a marriage or committed relationship, How much is too much?
I met this woman via the internet no doubt. There is an attraction there but that’s all that it is .
#1. I’m not sure that I believe in long distance relationships anymore
#2. When I met her she was with her gf/wife for 3.5 years.
They have kids together but have this open relationship when it comes to the internet. So her significant other knew about me. Without revealing too much information about their relationship, I’ll cut to the chase. It ended. Not necessarily because of me — or so I’m told— but because it was that time. Now I’m not involved with this woman relationship-wise. We are friends. We confide in each other and that’s all one could ask for at this moment. But her ex acts as if I broke their relationship apart. As if i came in and snatched her from her grip.
Now I feel like the “other woman” even though it wasn’t my intention and it doesn’t help that she mentions my name every chance she can get with her Ex.
It almost has me feeling as if I’m a pawn. As if my being everything her ex is not was the secret ingredient in winning over her affections. I can’t help but to ask If I’m playing myself. The strongest points of my personality are also the weaker aspects of her ex’s personality.
Sidebar: She reads this blog from time to time and I would like her to know that this post isn’t meant to reveal intimate details of her relationship or denigrate her character.