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    I know this isn’t the same as the one before me.  I trust that if her plate wasn’t so full things would be different.  But I don’t trust my own feelings and my own heart.  I’m breaking my own heart keeping things the way they are.  I can only get out now while the gettin’s good.   Perhaps the last thing she needed to hear at that time was  lets just take a step back.   But you know how Katt put it.  You got to look out for your star player. Right now my star player’s playing with injuries.  I kinda feel like there’s something there between them and deny it…

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    Not Easily Broken

    I’m reading a book “Not Easily Broken” by T.D. Jakes.  It gives me an alternative perspective on love triangles or the pre-existing attraction between the would-be infidel and mistress.   I say would-be because there isn’t a definitive line on when it becomes infidelity?  Is it wrong when the mental attraction develops or is it wrong when things become physical?    We’re all human we all tend to have our own wants needs and desires.  But when you’re in a marriage or committed relationship, How much is too much?    I met this woman via the internet no doubt.   There is an attraction there but that’s all that it is .   #1.  I’m…

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    randomality

    i suppose this makes me a lame to some. but I haven’t been on the club scene in like a year or 2.  I guess I’m tired of the empty faces only good for great head or stunts in bed.   There’s nothing really fulfilling about that.  After a while mindless head gets old. Naw I’m not into the scene for the mere matchmaking element but it would be nice to find some stimulating convo here n there.  Now who’s gonna find that kinda mental caress in a club with sweaty bodies drunken stupors and music blaring from the speakers?   I’ve grown weary of the mindless freaks that clutter my address…

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    Rejection

    it hurts really bad when you want someone to love you just as much as you love them and the love’s unrequited.  That rejection is felt to the core of your inner being and it follows you everywhere.   It turns into this nagging never undulating fear that you will one day encounter rejection again.   So you pretty much harden your heart so that even rejection won’t phase you. But now it’s not so much phasing you as it is, alienating you. Alienating the people who care and who want to be there.   You end up lonely.   You can’t let go of your fear.  So all you have at the end…

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    Mother’s Day

    maybe I bust my ass trying to prove shit to people coz I’m really trying to prove shit to my mother.  You ever realized that you’re constantly trying to prove the reason for your existence to your mom?   Now I’m not going to say I don’t appreciate her.  But I feel like the little shit I do doesn’t amount to shit for her. I think that’s maybe why I find myself going above and beyond trying to better myself each day.  Trying to learn things, trying to keep an open mind just trying to be a better person.  Because who I was yesterday just is never enough for me.   Even…

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    Impervious

      Like I said at the beginning of the year – i guess it was my new years resolution – i will never shed a tear over another female again (unless she’s related to me).  I boohooed a lot over aqua.  I not only cried my eyes out but I cried all my feelings out.   Now they’re gone.  I care about her but it’s not the same as it was when we were first together.   She did and said some really fucked up things for the sake of being vindictive.   I still can’t wrap my finger around why or what aspects of my personality could bring out the worst in…

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    Forgetting Sarah Marshall – Coming Soon.net Movie Database

      Forgetting Sarah Marshall – ComingSoon.net Movie Database     This puts an almost comedic spin on having your heart ripped from your chest.    I caught myself watching this last night and kind of laughing at the similarities between this movie and my life.   I’m an underdog so I’m always the sucker for underdog movies like this one.   I think the most memorable scene is at the end when he tries to fuck her but just can’t get it up.    It’s like she sucked the life out of him.    It’s so funny because sometimes I feel that way about “her”  (the current who was once the former).   There’s just nothing…

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    Out with the Old?

    I’m reading Alix’s Blog about the fear of old age and it really just dawned on me that: It’s not old age that I fear but missed opportunities.   While she’s dreading old age, I’m hoping that I will live to a ripe old age.  That I’ll have stories to tell my grand kids and great grand kids.   I live in an ever-changing, relative world.    It seems as if I’ve seen so many things happen over the course of time that I have to wonder how long will I live?   Will I be able to to live my days out regaling my progeny with stories and key historic moments.   See there…

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    Do unto Others

    Technorati Tags: Gay Rights,Proposition 8,Prop 8,Church,Religion I’m not one for keeping up appearances.  But I’m certainly not one for acting a fool and throwing tantrums.    The following would be a reason why I don’t walk around with rainbow colored memorabilia on display or have  gay pride bumper stickers and decals plastered all over my car.    I was perusing the internet when I came across this article about gays vilifying those who voted “yes” on prop 8.   (color me obsessed with prop 8 a day late and a dollar short).     Obviously it’s not just black folks who don’t know how to act in public.   I understand the frustration after prop 8…