maybe I bust my ass trying to prove shit to people coz I’m really trying to prove shit to my mother. You ever realized that you’re constantly trying to prove the reason for your existence to your mom? Now I’m not going to say I don’t appreciate her. But I feel like the little shit I do doesn’t amount to shit for her. I think that’s maybe why I find myself going above and beyond trying to better myself each day. Trying to learn things, trying to keep an open mind just trying to be a better person. Because who I was yesterday just is never enough for me. Even in relationships I’m always trying to dig deeper to see if the person I’m with is really in love with me and not what they see on the outside. I want to know that if one day I should become horribly disfigured I can survive on personality alone. But in reality does that shit ever happen?
Like I said at the beginning of the year – i guess it was my new years resolution – i will never shed a tear over another female again (unless she’s related to me). I boohooed a lot over aqua. I not only cried my eyes out but I cried all my feelings out. Now they’re gone. I care about her but it’s not the same as it was when we were first together. She did and said some really fucked up things for the sake of being vindictive. I still can’t wrap my finger around why or what aspects of my personality could bring out the worst in a person. I’d been wracking my brain like crazy since our umpteenth break up and still I’m not able to come up with clues. I know that I have a tendency to push folks away when they get too close. But I’m not inhumane about it. I don’t make you feel like less that shit. I’m more or less indifferent. What she did to me felt like she was striving to make me feel pain. I guess maybe, she wanted to see if I could feel anything. But I think it backfired because now – regardless of what she does – I’m impervious. Can’t feel joy can’t feel pain, only indifference…. I care more about swine flu and the state of the G7 than this relationship
This puts an almost comedic spin on having your heart ripped from your chest. I caught myself watching this last night and kind of laughing at the similarities between this movie and my life. I’m an underdog so I’m always the sucker for underdog movies like this one. I think the most memorable scene is at the end when he tries to fuck her but just can’t get it up. It’s like she sucked the life out of him. It’s so funny because sometimes I feel that way about “her” (the current who was once the former). There’s just nothing there. I avoid the sexual flirtation with her and at times it makes me wonder if I’m even still “gay”. But what he says in the end is so true:
Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so my cock doesn’t want to be around you anymore! Okay? EVER! Because you know what I just realized? You’re the goddamn devil!
Shyt maybe she is the damn devil. Maybe my lackluster libido is a direct result of the she-devil castrating me (so to speak). Yeah i know a female is not supposed to sound like that but honestly sometimes I can understand what males go thru. More often than not that happens when I’m dating femmes. She does her dirt then expects to walk back into your life like everything’s okay. But to be honest, nothing’s okay because I can’t feel a damn thing anymore. My words are empty and hers? well they’re just meaningless.
I’m reading Alix’s Blog about the fear of old age and it really just dawned on me that: It’s not old age that I fear but missed opportunities. While she’s dreading old age, I’m hoping that I will live to a ripe old age. That I’ll have stories to tell my grand kids and great grand kids. I live in an ever-changing, relative world. It seems as if I’ve seen so many things happen over the course of time that I have to wonder how long will I live? Will I be able to to live my days out regaling my progeny with stories and key historic moments. See there isn’t much of a family tree in either side of my family so I’d like to be the first to start the tradition. The first one to sit her offspring down and tell them about they’re progenitors and those who came before them. Because no one has a stronger impact on you and how you shape your life than family. These are the things that I’ve come to realize. So I’d like to live a long and illustrious life. Maybe society’s problem is that we no longer show much reverence to our elderly. Young folks are so much more headstrong and set in their ways that they couldn’t possibly believe that there’s anything to be learned from older folks. But I believe that in some cases the contrary holds true. I think that we have individuals in our lives for a reason and who better to learn from than the individual who’s been on this earth longer .
I’m not one for keeping up appearances. But I’m certainly not one for acting a fool and throwing tantrums. The following would be a reason why I don’t walk around with rainbow colored memorabilia on display or have gay pride bumper stickers and decals plastered all over my car. I was perusing the internet when I came across this article about gays vilifying those who voted “yes” on prop 8. (color me obsessed with prop 8 a day late and a dollar short).
Obviously it’s not just black folks who don’t know how to act in public. I understand the frustration after prop 8 was passed. But that by no means gives you the right to slander anyone for their religious beliefs and/or upbringing. There are reports of people snatching the cross, throwing it to the ground, and stomping on it. Really? is that how we feel Gay America? God had nothing to do with the statute passed on November 4th 2008. So why do we feel justified in being so blatantly sacrilegious? And like I’ve said so many times before, how is it that we expect to be granted basic human rights when we can’t respect others rights and beliefs?
Reality’s seriously kicking my ass right now. What i wouldn’t give to be a little kid again and not have a damn thing to worry about. Just to live my life so carefree. I kind of feel like I’m in this little rat race and I’m finishing last. When I take my last breath what will I have accomplished besides working way more hours than I should and basically alienating all who ever cared or loved me. the past few days have been nothing but a series of epic realizations. Perhaps realizations that came to pass a day late. My mother told me I had my fathers temper and that because of his temper he has no one. Now I truly feel like I have no one. Like I’ve spent the better part of my life pushing people away. My life’s objective is to learn how to forgive without being asked to.
I am honestly trying to steer clear of posts about my professional life. Except I’m not finding that easy because I spend most of my waking hours here at the lab. I’m at the lab right now waiting for a recovery to be completed and hoping that once it’s done, I won’t have to hear any bitching and moaning from my client. I know I’m supposed to enjoy this coz it’s what I signed up for in college but sometimes it’s just a little frustrating. Sometimes I think people forget they’re dealing with human beings when they inquire about our services. You know while he’s laid up in his plush comfortable bed. I’m here in this lab freezing my ass off under the A.C. trying to push thru his critical data. And I’m pretty sure he’ll be one to have a complaint in the morning or even maybe 2 months down the line. When he complains that’ll be my queue to exit the building permanently.
Shit who am I fooling in this economy? Like Mica says “I’m gonna ride it till the wheels fall off” (kinda think she was talkin about sex) but my tone is pure innocence. I spoke to her last night and it felt great. We really have good conversations but I’m also stricken with A.D.H.D. So despite the great convo she offers, my mind tends to stray as does my attention. We’ll talk for 2 days only to end up arguing because I won’t answer some of her phone calls and I’ll probably stop calling. I lack focus.
But most of the time when I stop calling, it’s usually because I’m stressing about certain things in my life and I’m trying to get my ducks in a row. I’m always one to put things off until I can’t complete the task at hand. Then complications arise with the task at hand and it seems as if my entire existence is consumed with that particular mediocre iota of life.
Lately I’ve been worried about my own spiritual wellbeing. Everyday feels more and more robotic. I go to work. I work for 12 hours (even though I shouldn’t). I come home. I hop online, read a few blogs, comment if i have the energy and then go to sleep. I work so much now that I use the entire weekend to sleep. My days are no longer the typical 9 to 5 that most have come to enjoy. They’re more like 9 to 9 or 9 to 10. Sometimes I work on weekends too. With work playing such a major role in my life, I haven’t really had time to focus on God or going to church or anything else for that matter. I used to enjoy the company of a good book from time to time. I used to dabble in my Photoshop. I used to take the Nikon out and catch the sights. Now all I do is work. I dream of it, have nightmares about it, then I wake up and go to it. Friendships don’t even really fit into the equation as I’ve been disappointed way too many times to count. And also probably because I’ve been on the giving end of the disappointment.
I must confess; I don’t prioritize well. Which is why it becomes such a pain in the ass to maintain girlfriends. Especially femme girlfriends.. It’s like having goldfish. They want too much fucking attention. And if they’re Virgos, they’re absolutely over the top with it. But even with all my complaints I guess I can appreciate what I have with Aquafina for the moment. She hasn’t been overtly demanding of my time and attention. I know I haven’t been spending that much time with her as I’d like to because of my obsession with this dead end job. But she seems to get me. It’s not like it was before. She’s a little different now. A little less cold-hearted a little more understanding. She’s been asking me to come back down there and it’s been on my mind. The last time I went out there I just felt like I was in another world outside my own and it was actually a good feeling. So maybe another trip to TX is what the doctor ordered.
I’m not gonna Lie. I’m a fan of the little gossip blogs that pop up on the internet. But there are times when I think folks just take it a little too far. I was reading an article (article being an overstatement) on necolebitchie.com about Gabriel Union. In it she’s talking to an editor at VIBE magazine about her disdain for malicious blogs that spread rumors and innuendos without actually researching the facts. She goes on to talk about how this can thwart any efforts or intentions of doing some good in ones community:
It’s like if you wrote for a major newspaper or a major magazine. If you can’t substantiate your claims, you don’t write them. We don’t have enough black voices, [and] we certainly don’t have enough people in entertainment who are trying to do good things for our community, so anytime you try to attack someone’s character, you negate their voice for all the things that they’re trying to do.
I come out and speak about African American sexual assault survivors and what we can do to provide support and help to those survivors. I talk about African Americans and breast cancer. But people aren’t going to listen to those things if you are spreading lies and rumors, you know what I mean? It kinda negates all the good things that you do. It makes me want to just work harder and do more good, but it’s frustrating and it makes a lot of people in my industry say, "Screw it! If I can’t even get my own people to listen and not talk ill of me, what hope do I have for mainstream media?"
I got the gist of her statement as would any smart or insightful human being. Unfortunately my fellow negroes being as negative as they want to be were not so keen. They went from talking about her and the mention she made of Perez Hilton and his trashy incendiary filth to discussing her acting career which truly had nothing to do with the price of rent in Japan. It’s like we’re afflicted with Attention Deficit Disorder. There must’ve been at least 50 comments posted about her Hair and the roles she plays in movies as opposed to the statement about promoting negativity. We become so defensive when called on our flaws that we invent every reason under the sun why no one should tell us our shit stinks. Sometimes, I wanna walk outside like Larry Fishburne in School Daze and yell “wake up!!!” “wake thee fuck up!!”. Coz in 2009 it seems all we do is sleep. The article hit a spot with me because I remember my own efforts in promoting Aids Walk NY and consequently being heckled and jeered for it by my peers, my black community. Lord knows I love my people and I’m proud of the accomplishments SOME of us have made thus far. But there’s still that gross majority who has a long ass way to go.
I don’t think I could ever be a superstar or in the limelight. I don’t really have the patience for it. I was on NecoleBitchie yesterday reading about Keri Hilson’s disgruntled fan and I’m thinking to myself: Some people are so over the top with it. Apparently he claims Keri told him “next” at an autograph signing which “hurt his wittle feewings”. My stance on that b.s. is “get over it”. She signed your shit didn’t she? Here’s his rant courtesy of theblogchic.blogspot.com:
(via Twitter )
Keri Hilson addresses the angry fan who claims she was a “rude conceited b*tch” at a recent signing:
TO ALL MY FANS!! no I didn’t see the vid yet, but I wanna address…I was not just regular “sick” in Detroit last day of tour. laryngitis. I could NOT TALK AT ALL! u can ask anyone who heard me trying…so me saying “next” didn’t happen at all. when I did the signing I had my team read a note for me explaining that I was extremely sorry I couldn’t talk to my fans. I did not want 2 cancel and still had a show a few hrs later in Detroit. Read past twitters & you’ll see that I’ve bn sick with flu-like symptoms with sinus infection. I’m just now getting over it becuz I work so hard I can’t get proper rest & life must go on. I know what I signed up 4 & I thought that my fans understood what I was going thru after they read my msg…I know ppl stood in line. but 4 this signing I was told not to personalize since there were so many ppl & we drove an hr away from the venue to do the signing…and ran late because we got into detroit later than expected. I think he’s mistaken. I would never say “next” to anyone…he may have been upset or maybe no one told him I couldn’t personalize the cd’s. I wanted to get 2 everyone who came, whether they bought the cd or not, so we had 2 do everything as quick as possible. I apologize homeboy for the way u may have misinterpreted the situation. I assure u I wasn’t being a bitch @ all. I appreciate any1 who goes out of their way 2 come see me! I love my fans! just wanted to clear that up…I didn’t hv an attitude I was happy 2 be there but worried about the show that I chose to not cancel or cut in half becuz I was extremely hoarse & sore. I was on stage coughing & the whole 9 on like every sentence LOL. but I got thru it & was happy detroit had my back. thanks D-town! yall didn’t laugh when they had 2 keep bringn me water! good nite my twit fam! love yall
Trust I was SO happy to be signing your albums! I did each w/a smile on my face! Keep my sharpie in my purse! I’ll sign yours too!!!!!!!!!!!
I personally think Malcom needs to remove the tampon from his ass. She’s human. She’s allowed to be sick and not in the mood to talk. Shyt if I were in her shoes he’d get the “NEXT” too. If that did in fact happen. Is he looking for a little piece of publicity? The child is only human and that’s what’s so appealing about her as an artist. The fact she’s able to reach us regular folk with her lyrics and voice. She doesn’t have to be superwoman or “Beyonce” with the bulletproof weave. She’s just got to be Keri. And if she doesn’t feel like talking or taking a damn picture coz she’s under the weather then “BITCH” build a bridge and sashay yo ass on over it.