randomality

i suppose this makes me a lame to some. but I haven’t been on the club scene in like a year or 2.  I guess I’m tired of the empty faces only good for great head or stunts in bed.   There’s nothing really fulfilling about that.  After a while mindless head gets old. Naw I’m not into the scene for the mere matchmaking element but it would be nice to find some stimulating convo here n there.  Now who’s gonna find that kinda mental caress in a club with sweaty bodies drunken stupors and music blaring from the speakers?  

I’ve grown weary of the mindless freaks that clutter my address book ( i mean my sidekick) and I’m wanting something new.   I want to be taken to new heights of consciousness and to have my mind turned inside out and to suffer mental implosions of  epiphanies so sublime Ghandi would need babelfish to to get on my level.   Shyt i want a chick so much on a another level , I—like my friend kay would say–would need a space ship to be on the same wavelength.   And once I get there, Ain’t no comin back.  Ain’t no lookin down. I’m on Saturns rings for eternity.

Rejection

it hurts really bad when you want someone to love you just as much as you love them and the love’s unrequited.  That rejection is felt to the core of your inner being and it follows you everywhere.   It turns into this nagging never undulating fear that you will one day encounter rejection again.   So you pretty much harden your heart so that even rejection won’t phase you. But now it’s not so much phasing you as it is, alienating you. Alienating the people who care and who want to be there.   You end up lonely.   You can’t let go of your fear.  So all you have at the end of your day is….You.   So how do you adjust to the  new threesome (me, myself, and I)?   You start over, falling in love with you and re-discovering you.   And when your relationship with you is solid.  When you’ve attained that newfound appreciation for you.  That’s when your heart melts.  That’s when you become human.  That’s when you can love again and that’s when you overcome your fear.

 

I am Not Easily Broken!!

Mother’s Day

maybe I bust my ass trying to prove shit to people coz I’m really trying to prove shit to my mother.  You ever realized that you’re constantly trying to prove the reason for your existence to your mom?   Now I’m not going to say I don’t appreciate her.  But I feel like the little shit I do doesn’t amount to shit for her. I think that’s maybe why I find myself going above and beyond trying to better myself each day.  Trying to learn things, trying to keep an open mind just trying to be a better person.  Because who I was yesterday just is never enough for me.   Even in relationships I’m always trying to dig deeper to see if the person I’m with is really in love with me and not what they see on the outside.   I want to know that if one day I should become horribly disfigured I can survive on personality alone. But in reality does that shit ever happen?

Impervious

 

Like I said at the beginning of the year – i guess it was my new years resolution – i will never shed a tear over another female again (unless she’s related to me).  I boohooed a lot over aqua.  I not only cried my eyes out but I cried all my feelings out.   Now they’re gone.  I care about her but it’s not the same as it was when we were first together.   She did and said some really fucked up things for the sake of being vindictive.   I still can’t wrap my finger around why or what aspects of my personality could bring out the worst in a person.   I’d been wracking my brain like crazy since our umpteenth break up and still I’m not able to come up with clues.   I know that I have a tendency to push folks away when they get too close.  But I’m not inhumane about it.   I don’t make you feel like less that shit.   I’m more or less indifferent.   What she did to me felt like she was striving to make me feel pain.   I guess maybe, she wanted to see if I could feel anything.    But I think it backfired because now – regardless of what she does – I’m impervious.  Can’t feel joy can’t feel pain, only indifference….  I care more about swine flu and the state of the G7 than this relationship

Forgetting Sarah Marshall – Coming Soon.net Movie Database

 

Forgetting Sarah Marshall – ComingSoon.net Movie Database

 

 

This puts an almost comedic spin on having your heart ripped from your chest.    I caught myself watching this last night and kind of laughing at the similarities between this movie and my life.   I’m an underdog so I’m always the sucker for underdog movies like this one.   I think the most memorable scene is at the end when he tries to fuck her but just can’t get it up.    It’s like she sucked the life out of him.    It’s so funny because sometimes I feel that way about “her”  (the current who was once the former).   There’s just nothing there.   I avoid the sexual flirtation with her and at times it makes me wonder if I’m even still “gay”.  But what he says in the end  is so true:

Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so my cock doesn’t want to be around you anymore! Okay? EVER! Because you know what I just realized? You’re the goddamn devil!

 

Shyt maybe she is the damn devil.   Maybe my lackluster libido is a direct result of the she-devil castrating me (so to speak).    Yeah i know a female is not supposed to sound like that but honestly sometimes I can understand what males go thru.   More often than not that happens when I’m dating femmes.   She does her dirt then expects to walk back into your life like everything’s okay.   But to be honest, nothing’s okay because I can’t feel a damn thing anymore.   My words are empty and hers? well they’re just meaningless.  

Out with the Old?

DSC_0427 I’m reading Alix’s Blog about the fear of old age and it really just dawned on me that: It’s not old age that I fear but missed opportunities.   While she’s dreading old age, I’m hoping that I will live to a ripe old age.  That I’ll have stories to tell my grand kids and great grand kids.   I live in an ever-changing, relative world.    It seems as if I’ve seen so many things happen over the course of time that I have to wonder how long will I live?   Will I be able to to live my days out regaling my progeny with stories and key historic moments.   See there isn’t much of a family tree in either side of my family so I’d like to be the first to start the tradition.   The first one to sit her offspring down and tell them about they’re progenitors and those who came before them.   Because no one has a stronger impact on you and how you shape your life than family.    These are the things that I’ve come to realize.   So I’d like to live a long and illustrious life.  Maybe society’s problem is that we no longer show much reverence to our elderly.  Young folks are so much more headstrong and set in their ways that they couldn’t possibly believe that there’s anything to be learned from older folks.  But I believe that in some cases the contrary holds true.   I think that we have individuals in our lives for a reason and who better to learn from than the individual who’s been on this earth longer .  

Do unto Others

I’m not one for keeping up appearances.  But I’m certainly not one for acting a fool and throwing tantrums.    The following would be a reason why I don’t walk around with rainbow colored memorabilia on display or have  gay pride bumper stickers and decals plastered all over my car.    I was perusing the internet when I came across this article about gays vilifying those who voted “yes” on prop 8.   (color me obsessed with prop 8 a day late and a dollar short).    

Obviously it’s not just black folks who don’t know how to act in public.   I understand the frustration after prop 8 was passed.  But that by no means gives you the right to slander anyone for their religious beliefs and/or upbringing.   There are reports of people snatching the cross, throwing it to the ground, and stomping on it.     Really? is that how we feel Gay America?   God had nothing to do with the statute passed on November 4th 2008.  So why do we feel justified in being so blatantly sacrilegious?    And like I’ve said so many times before, how is it that we expect to be granted basic human rights when we can’t respect others rights and beliefs?

Reality’s seriously kicking my ass right now.   What i wouldn’t give to be a little kid again and not have a damn thing to worry about. Just to live my life so carefree.  I kind of feel like I’m in this little rat race and I’m finishing last.  When I take my last breath what will I have accomplished besides working way more hours than I should and basically alienating all who ever cared or loved me.  the past few days have been nothing but a series of epic realizations.   Perhaps realizations that came to pass  a day late.   My mother told me I had my fathers temper and that because of his temper he has no one.  Now I truly feel like I have no one. Like I’ve spent the better part of my life pushing people away.    My life’s objective is to learn how to forgive without being asked to.  

Random Train of Thought

 

Ignorance is BlissI am honestly trying to steer clear of posts about my professional life. Except I’m not finding that easy because I spend most of my waking hours here at the lab. I’m at the lab right now waiting for a recovery to be completed and hoping that once it’s done, I won’t have to hear any bitching and moaning from my client. I know I’m supposed to enjoy this coz it’s what I signed up for in college but sometimes it’s just a little frustrating. Sometimes I think people forget they’re dealing with human beings when they inquire about our services. You know while he’s laid up in his plush comfortable bed. I’m here in this lab freezing my ass off under the A.C. trying to push thru his critical data. And I’m pretty sure he’ll be one to have a complaint in the morning or even maybe 2 months down the line. When he complains that’ll be my queue to exit the building permanently.

 

Shit who am I fooling in this economy? Like Mica says “I’m gonna ride it till the wheels fall off” (kinda think she was talkin about sex) but my tone is pure innocence. I spoke to her last night and it felt great. We really have good conversations but I’m also stricken with A.D.H.D. So despite the great convo she offers, my mind tends to stray as does my attention. We’ll talk for 2 days only to end up arguing because I won’t answer some of her phone calls and I’ll probably stop calling. I lack focus.

But most of the time when I stop calling, it’s usually because I’m stressing about certain things in my life and I’m trying to get my ducks in a row. I’m always one to put things off until I can’t complete the task at hand. Then complications arise with the task at hand and it seems as if my entire existence is consumed with that particular mediocre iota of life.