Account Meesh

My old life was a far cry from what it is now. I’ve undergone a sort of metamorphosis. I was looking at an old photo montage I made back when grandpa died. Then I started looking up my aunt’s name on the Internet. I found out that she was quite brilliant as is her husband and son. She’s into computers also. So I guess the whole computer geek thing is a genetic thing. I never knew until the age of 28 that my aunt was an inventor or a scholar. Part of me wishes I’d stayed with my dad when I was younger because I probably would’ve attained my goals much faster. The dynamic between the two sides of my family is unusual. My mom comes from dirt poor surroundings. She’s the eldest of 6 children. Granny (God rest her soul), felt it was prudent to have all these kids to keep the men around. It just never panned out that way. So instead, my mom’s been raising kids since she first hit puberty. Not her kids but my Grannies kids. She was pulled out of school to raise these kids and being the oldest sibling she’s always felt responsible for her younger siblings. See my mom’s family may not come from much but the one thing they have that I don’t see in a lot of other families is that loyalty and that kinship. She represents the side of me that stays grounded. My dad on the other hand comes from a well-to-do family with very old fashioned values. I would almost say they were snobs. But snobs or not I still love them. They raised me with standards and created this melting pot of unique traits and attributes that you’ll never find. I get my elitist mentality from that side of the family and at times I find I’m in a mental conflict. I tend to date women who would be considered beneath my stature by my family as a sign of rebellion. I think a lot of who I am now as a person can be attributed to the way dad is and the rest of the Francis’s are. Nobody says “I love you” on that side of the family. Nobody is overtly emotional. They all maintain a certain kind of stone-faced decorum which makes it really hard to relate to them. I know that I am everything they despise. The black sheep. The child with no (for a lack of better words) “Broughtupsy” (consult the West Indian Dictionary). I’m the one child that goes against the grain. The one who hung with the bad chicks in high school and would skip class. The one who wore miniskirts to the mall and thought she was grown even though she knew pops hated it. I strive to be everything he is not.

The Straight Pill

Now I’m not one to typically piggyback off someone else’s entry. But this one evoked a lot of emotion in me. I guess coz of my religious upbringing. But read it. Let me know how you feel and if you like it pass it on. Oh yes STOLEN FROM APOCKETFULLOFHOPE

The Straight Pill
Date March 13, 2009

If there was a pill that could make me straight

…..Straight in body

…..Straight in mind

…..Straight in heart

……….I would not take it.

If taking such a pill would restore all my lost friendships

…..And regain my parents pride

…..And give back my families respect

…..…..I would not take it.

If taking such a pill would return me to my former ministry

…..And the admiration of the congregation

…..And the loving welcome of the church

…..…..I would not take it.

If taking such a pill would replace the love I have for my wife with an equal love for a man

…..And we could legally marry

…..And we would be granted full rights under the law without fighting for them

…..…..I would not take it.

If taking such a pill would mean no one would reject me for being who I am

…..And for saying what I believe

…..And for standing boldly as one who follows Christ

…..…..I would not take it.

If taking such a pill could take the world back in time,

…..Before I came out of the closet,

…..Before I said I was gay

…..Before I knew I was gay

…..Before inequality touched me

…..Before hate revealed its ugliness to me

…..Before anyone rejected me

…..Before anything was lost to me

…..Before I ever questioned God’s love for me

…..…..I would not take it.

If taking that pill would make me straight

…..And famous

…..And wealthy

…..And talented

…..And adored

…..And beautiful

…..And thin

……….I would not take it.

……….I would not take it.

……….I. Would. Not. Take. It.

I would never take a pill that would make me straight because

……….I love being who I am

……….I love being whole and free

……….I love seeing the world from where I stand

……….I love knowing God from this place

……….I love feeling passion burning in me for equality

……….I love being part of a people who are courageous and relentless

……….I love being one in Spirit with every queer youth

…………..With every gay man and woman

……………With every bisexual man and woman

…………..With every transman and transwoman

……………With every ally and friend

……………With everyone who questions, doubts and searches

……….And I love being one in Spirit with you

……………Bound in hope, and faith, and love

……………Bound in God

If there was a pill I could take that would make you straight

………..And taking that pill would end all your confusion and anxiety

……….And remove your fear that God has rejected you

……………I would not take that pill even for you.

You are gay.

…..You are not wrong.

…..…..You are not sinful.

…..…..…..You are not evil or perverted.

…..…….…..…You are not unworthy.

…..…..…..…..…..You are not a mistake.

…..…..…..…..…..…..You are not to be ashamed.

You are gay.

…..God loves you.

…..…..God holds you.

…..…..…..God stands with you.

…..…..…..…..God delights in you.

…..…..…..…..…..God calls you “My own.”

If there was a pill that could make me straight

…..And make you straight

…..And you

…..And you

…..And you

……….I would not take it.

……….I would not take it.

……….I. Would. Not. Take. It.

It’s Official….

Twitter is a piece of shit.?? Twice I?ve attempted to log on today and
twice, I?ve been told that the site is down for maintenance.??? Are you
telling me that people are so seriously addicted to Twitter that they never
log off and spend 24 hours of each day of every week hitting the refresh
*checks my person*.?? Am I one of those people??? Today was a better day for
me.? I?m thinking clearly and I?m oh so focused at work.? I think it?s
because I?m not head over heels or twitterpated.?? I think my problem with
love is that I?m in love with the concept of being in love.? I?m in love
with the idea of coming home to someone every night or day ?and snuggling up
and watching a blockbuster movie.? Shyt I?m even in love with the concept of
going grocery shopping together.? Picking out living room curtains and
making what would have been otherwise mundane decisions with that special
someone.?? But then I also hate to be around that someone 24/7 with no space
for me time.?? I despise dressing alike because it?s the cute couple thing
to do and I despise being told what to do in a relationship .?? My
rebellious nature is not a fan of commitment.? Maybe I can take a stab at
monogamy which I?ve done more often than not.? But I don?t know that I can
stay caged in a one woman p.o.v. for long.

Luck be a Lady Tonight

I got a newfound crush who will never know I exist. She made me fall in love with hip hop again and Lord knows it’s been years since Meesh was in love with hip hop. But I shit you not the one chick I’d compromise all my values for should the opportunity ever present itself is the one, the only; Lady Luck. In short, Meesh would like to bone Lady Luck. I don’t know if it’s just the crazy punch lines or the laidback swagga. Either way she’ll get it.


Road Trip

Ladies and Gentlemen.   Well Ladies anyway.   Hmm I wonder why
I don’t have any male friends?   It’d be nice to have a male friend
who I can relate to without them trying to fuck me or without them telling me
that the past 8 years of my homosexuality have been nothing but a phase.  But
that’s a topic for another day.  I’m taking a road trip down to
Georgia for the Easter weekend.   It’s a family outing for which I’ll
be dusting off the Nikon and catching the sights.   I’m driving 4 hours. 
My brother’s driving 4 hours and My Mom’s driving 4 hours.  Then
from GA, I’m driving 5 hours and Moms driving 5 hours to Fort Lickerdale
to see My other Brother and his family.    I anticipate a fun-filled weekend of
bobbing and weaving and ducking the high-way cops on the way down .    I’ll
update you good  folks on my trip coz I’ll have this wonderful piece of
machinery with me. 

in surmise

I haven’t really had a moment to myself this past week.  I’ve mainly been stressing out about work and all the bullshit that comes with it.  But for the first time in a long time I found myself thinking clearly yesterday.  It’s been kind of hard learning all the aspects of data recovery in the lab.   But I find that once I approach things with a clear head I’m usually able to figure it out.   So yesterday was a great day at work despite my boss bitching about recoveries and despite the fact I damn near tore my thumbnail off.   Lately I’ve only been talking to Aquafina and it seems like she’s changed for the better.  I guess I’ll continue this friendship and see where the day takes me.   She seems a lot more humbled than she used to be.  But you know how that goes.   You always put your good foot first.   I’m a little psyched for my drive to Georgia for the Easter weekend coming up.   We’re supposed to take turns driving out there.  It’s going to be my brother, my mom, myself and my nephew making the trip.   We’re all going to see my cousin and aunt.  I haven’t even started packing.    But I’ll get that done this weekend. Some shopping may be in order.  

6 degrees of dyke drama

There arises this insurmountable urge to shut the lesbian world and it’s 6 degrees of dyke drama out.   On this edition of Lunar Lunacy;  Aquafina issued an apology for how she treated me during our relationship.   So did CH.   Supposedly she felt bad for being dishonest when all I asked of her was honesty.  But it was a little hard to swallow considering she’s been concocting stories about me and relaying them to random individuals.  None of whom are interconnected.   She sent me a text this morning saying  “Man you a cold peace of work its kewl don’t worrie bout me blowin up  ur phone or beggin you as you put it.”  She’s half right.  I am cold.  I can’t really feel any emotion towards her at this point considering she’d been sleeping with her ex and came back from the night club with a hickey from a random stranger.  As of late i’ve also been informed she was stalking her other ex while with me.   I guess I can’t really bring myself to feel the least bit of regret for merely stating the fact that she was begging me or blowing up my phone.  

Insecurity in a relationship

Lying, cheating women tend to use insecurity as a crutch in
relationships. How?   First one must ask; how many times has my girl
done some significantly shady shit and when approached responded, ”
You’re so insecure.”? Where do we draw the fine line between
identifying insecurity and identifying  intuition?