Still trying to catch my second wind

Dear Diary,

I’m not sure what my Job Security is like here. Everything just seems
so dismal and I’m in a position that presents a challenge, I’d say it’s
the biggest professional challenge I’ve ever had to face. Should
things not pan out the way I plan, I don’t really think I’ll  have a plan
B. Everyone I know is going through tough times. The “haves” worry
about losing and the “have nots”  worry about finding (which in today’s
harsh reality is least likely). I’ve been like this since the
beginning of the year and at some point, I’d made the decision not to let
things bother me.  But as the days progress I find myself just operating
in the capacity of a robot. I could use a serious break even if it
doesn’t seem like it. On the upside an old crush re-emerged. She’s
kinda quirky and I like that about her. She’s so carefree and it’s as
if she has not a care in the world. I can’t say that I blame her, because
at this point she’s already worked to attain so much and It’s quite
impressive. She’s a far cry from the sub-par females I’ve subjected
myself to lately. Classy chick, London-born with 2 degrees under he
belt. I’m not a gold-digger but it feels nice to run into someone who
has their shit together. It’s inspiring to say the least.

Unusual Shit…

Last night I had this dream. I saw a navy blue Nissan Altima 2008 parked outside my house. The back door was caved in along with the compartment that houses the gas tank. The car literally looked as if it had been hit with an IED in Iraq. So this morning, I get up and head to work. On my way I run into traffic due to an accident. As I’m driving past the scene I look up at the vehicle on the truck to notice it’s the car in my dream.

Post via email

trying my luck on wordpress.org.  I’ve been up all night trying to get this damned email posting thingamajiggy to work. to no avail.  any help would be appreciated.

Sifting through the Wreckage

I found survivors.   CH and I are back on speaking terms.  We agreed to be friends.  I spent perhaps the last 2 or 3 weeks ignoring her phone calls, instant messages and text.   I think I really needed that time to clear my mind.   Yesterday I sent her a text.  Small talk ensues then she tells me she really needs to talk.   So I called her.   I talked more than she did as usual.   I’m not sure why I’d expected anything to change.  But she talks about how I shut her out and blah blah blah.   I go on to remind her of my attempts to open up to her and tell her exactly what was going on in my head.   Oh did I tell you,  she asked to really talk to me like 3 weeks back and then interrupts the conversation to ask some bird to dance. She got off the phone with me to dance.  Granted she was at a party and that wasn’t the most opportune time to have the “Big” talk but she wanted it that way.  That was the first time I divulged exactly how I was feeling.  The second time around I send her a 4 page letter via text and she replies “IDK 4RL”.   I just plain gave up after that and didn’t speak to her for 3 weeks.  

And for 3 weeks she’s been calling the house phone, the cell phone,  stalking me online and sending me text messages.   

 

So on lets say umm Saturday I finally text her which brings us to our present situation.  She starts talking about how she was so open on me.  How she opened up her heart to me even though she was scared and how I just disappointed her.     I asked her if that was the case then why in the final 2 weeks of our relationSHIT was she being distant.   She claims she was too busy.   I told her to call me when she wanted to keep it real. 

 

So she sends me a text and she says she closed herself off to me because things were getting a little too intense.  She says she was feeling way too strongly about me and just didn’t know how to handle that so she pushed me away.   ehh, it’s not quite what I expected but shyt it’s a far cry from ‘IDK 4 REAL’ .

 

Shyt that’s all I needed her to say.   I don’t expect us to have what we had in the beginning.  But I at least wanted us to be friends.   So I told her that I don’t really know if we’ll be an “us” again but that I do want her back in my life as a friend and ultimately she agreed.  

Synopsis:

I’m just not ready to open up and be in a relationship especially one that has all the odds stacked against us.

For Future Reference

Since when is being evil synonymous with being Human?   Now don’t get me wrong I never said that we all should be perfect, because no one can.   But, one would hope that we would never give up the struggle to be the best we can.   Instead I see things taking a turn for the worse.   I’m living in a society where more and more I see supreme effort being placed on nurturing the more vile aspects of humanity.  

Things are changing and it’s hard for me to keep my head up.  It’s not just a financial recession we’re in.   It’s also spiritual.   Now I know I’m not perfect.  I made some recent observations about my own character.  I noticed just how  much more frequent the occurrence of “white lies” are within my vocabulary.   It feels like a trainwreck waiting to happen when you can step outside yourself and see the fucked up shyt you’re doing.  Then it just magnifies the fucked up shyt everyone else is doing and you begin to miss the way things were when there was an ounce of good left in this world. 

I caught my  girl who is a friend in another lie and I was all devastated by it but then realized that all those old school values I hold near and dear are now quickly becoming a thing of the past.  So now I’ve moved past the devastation to acquire new heights of spiritual consciousness.  My objective is not to let the actions of others desensitize me.   I’m still adamant in my vow to not shed any more tears. However this will be a lesson for me;  teaching me how to hold fast to what few values I do have.

I knew I was asking for it when I logged into her account.   She’s still sending msg’s to this chick even tho I asked her not to fuck with shorty (for legitimate reasons).

Not to mention the fact I realized she lied to me the other day this shyt just diminishes my trust for her.   So here’s what I’s gone do.  I’s gone do Me.  

Another one bites the dust.

The one thing I ask for in my relationships is honesty.   Shyt, I even hold the door open  so honesty can walk in.    For those of us who are just tuning in, I just started talking to CH 2 months ago.   We made things official last week and a week into our relationSHIT, she’s already lying to me.     She had her ex over this past weekend.  Granted  this is a long distance relationship, I can’t expect the world of her but the one thing I did and still do want is some honest –to –goodness, down-home cooked, made with love HONESTY.   How CH fucked up is that she failed to tell me  Her EX-BITCH was there.   I asked her at least 3 times who was that.  She spent the entire time being cryptic and distant.  So tonight I call her and I’m like “Who is that and don’t’ tell me your best friend coz you only have one and I’ve met her.”  She starts being cryptic then the bitch in the background starts yellin “tell her who i am” .  So I’m like no bitch you tell me who you are.   A shouting match ensues, CH says she’ll call me back I say don’t bother  just lose the number and There we have it….   But as i’ve said to myself before  “you will not be crying in 09 over another bitch”.  That’s my story and I’m stickin to it.

The Authority on Motherhood

I went spastic earlier.   I was having a conversation with CH.   She tells me about how her mom (now 42) keeps her 10 year old brother at home (and out of school) to wait on her hand and foot.   I  can’t really understand how one would keep your offspring out of school when you have the luxuries of sending them to school free of charge.  

 

I think I almost burst into tears at the thought of that.   I’m  West Indian.   I’m not sure how the educational system is structured in modern day Jamaica, but I do know that My Mom had to  work her ass off to keep her 4 kids in school.   In Jamaica, we pay school tuition at any age.  Be it, kindergarten, Junior High or High School,  there is a cost associated with obtaining an education.    There are no such things as free text books and to add to the pot we all wore uniforms which of course have to be bought each year.    It was tough for my mom – a single mother –  to keep food on the table and pay tuition for 4 kids to go to school.   And here it is,  we live in a country where education is not only mandatory but also free and you have these DEAD beat women keeping their kids out of school to either: serve their every whim or to babysit siblings.   Honestly where’s the justice in that?  

Where the FUCK IS THE JUSTICE IN THAT?

 

 

How DO YOU LAY DOWN?  SPREAD YOUR LEGS AND POP 10 KIDS OUT

THEN ASK YOUR OLDEST CHILD TO RAISE THEM WHILE YOU LAY UP ON YOUR ASS DOING NOTHING  BUT CREATING THIS PERPETUAL REVOLVING DOOR FOR STRANGE MEN TO WALK IN, FUCK YOU AND LEAVE.     You’re like a fucking DRIVE THRU WINDOW at McDonalds,  easy and fucking convenient.  At 42 you would think you’d get a grip.  

 

Oh but let me calm down because at the end of the day you are someone’s mother.   If only I could look at you as such.   No you’re not her Mother SHE’S YOUR MOTHER.

Maternity

I find it amazing how women naturally develop these maternal instincts after giving birth.  One would think any red-blooded female who gave birth would want to nurture her child.  But I don’t see that too often these days and it scares me.  Sometimes I wonder if I’ll end up in the same shoes as half these women I’ve come across.   I wonder if I’ll be one of those mothers who eat their young.  One of those women who would sacrifice their own seed for a buck.

 

My  16 year old cousin’s mom gave her away (sold her) to a man who could have been her father.  How does one carry a child to term, and on their 16th year decide it’s your right to sell her virtues?

Someone I can relate to

Walking the streets at the Inaugural parade.

obamas

He looks like a regular schmo walking down that street with the girl of his dreams.   That’s just the beauty of it.   I see my aunts and uncles, and next door neighbors in their faces.  I see my neighborhood in their faces.  I see my upbringing in their faces.  I see a good ole southern family barbecue in their faces.  Then i breath a long deep sigh of relief.  Martin you ain’t gotta roll in yo grave no more.   Your dream just became a reality.