The Authority on Motherhood

I went spastic earlier.   I was having a conversation with CH.   She tells me about how her mom (now 42) keeps her 10 year old brother at home (and out of school) to wait on her hand and foot.   I  can’t really understand how one would keep your offspring out of school when you have the luxuries of sending them to school free of charge.  

 

I think I almost burst into tears at the thought of that.   I’m  West Indian.   I’m not sure how the educational system is structured in modern day Jamaica, but I do know that My Mom had to  work her ass off to keep her 4 kids in school.   In Jamaica, we pay school tuition at any age.  Be it, kindergarten, Junior High or High School,  there is a cost associated with obtaining an education.    There are no such things as free text books and to add to the pot we all wore uniforms which of course have to be bought each year.    It was tough for my mom – a single mother –  to keep food on the table and pay tuition for 4 kids to go to school.   And here it is,  we live in a country where education is not only mandatory but also free and you have these DEAD beat women keeping their kids out of school to either: serve their every whim or to babysit siblings.   Honestly where’s the justice in that?  

Where the FUCK IS THE JUSTICE IN THAT?

 

 

How DO YOU LAY DOWN?  SPREAD YOUR LEGS AND POP 10 KIDS OUT

THEN ASK YOUR OLDEST CHILD TO RAISE THEM WHILE YOU LAY UP ON YOUR ASS DOING NOTHING  BUT CREATING THIS PERPETUAL REVOLVING DOOR FOR STRANGE MEN TO WALK IN, FUCK YOU AND LEAVE.     You’re like a fucking DRIVE THRU WINDOW at McDonalds,  easy and fucking convenient.  At 42 you would think you’d get a grip.  

 

Oh but let me calm down because at the end of the day you are someone’s mother.   If only I could look at you as such.   No you’re not her Mother SHE’S YOUR MOTHER.

Maternity

I find it amazing how women naturally develop these maternal instincts after giving birth.  One would think any red-blooded female who gave birth would want to nurture her child.  But I don’t see that too often these days and it scares me.  Sometimes I wonder if I’ll end up in the same shoes as half these women I’ve come across.   I wonder if I’ll be one of those mothers who eat their young.  One of those women who would sacrifice their own seed for a buck.

 

My  16 year old cousin’s mom gave her away (sold her) to a man who could have been her father.  How does one carry a child to term, and on their 16th year decide it’s your right to sell her virtues?

Someone I can relate to

Walking the streets at the Inaugural parade.

obamas

He looks like a regular schmo walking down that street with the girl of his dreams.   That’s just the beauty of it.   I see my aunts and uncles, and next door neighbors in their faces.  I see my neighborhood in their faces.  I see my upbringing in their faces.  I see a good ole southern family barbecue in their faces.  Then i breath a long deep sigh of relief.  Martin you ain’t gotta roll in yo grave no more.   Your dream just became a reality.

New Responsibilities

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like  a dilettante before.  Well, not until now.  I’ve been working in the Lab for almost a month and will admit that sometimes the tasks are overwhelming.   There is so much to process all at once and my fear is that I’ll forget it as soon as I learn it.   I’m in one  of those situations where fast-paced learning is required and although I’ve learned a great deal, there are still more thresholds to be conquered.   Here it is, I’m wanting to throw myself back into my work once again and I haven’t even ventured out on a vacation.   

Relocation

landscape 010

I have a million and one reasons why I should go out this weekend and get shitfaced.  But I’ll refrain from the latter.  My boss offered the option of relocating and I feel like it’s just what the doctor ordered.   However he’d like to me to relocate to the VA/DC area within 3 months.   I don’t even know how that’s going to happen seeing as I haven’t even started looking for an apartment out there and I’m not even sure how I would start.   So if anyone has some advice on where to find a nice little 1 bedroom in a decent area (preferably somewhere  I won’t get shot), then please by all means, drop me a line or 2 or 3….

Anyway it’s almost 10a.m and I should be washing my ass for work.  One can only hope I’m not slated to come in tomorrow.  That would be a real buzzkill.

Changes

Where do I begin?  I’ve been spending the last few days doing a lot of soul-searching.   I know that I’ve spent the better part of the last 8 years looking to fill a void.   I thought perhaps if I fell in love I’d find completion.  But love isn’t exactly what it’s all about.  I’m a spiritual person and I’d like to think there’s a divine purpose to be fulfilled by me.   I have an old soul and I can’t help but feel the fatigue setting in.   I feel like I’m running this perpetual hamsters wheel with no clue as to why I’m running and I know that I need to set more profound objectives and goals for myself.

 

So here it is I’ve made some post New Years Resolutions.  As of yesterday, I’ve started off with making what I would consider to be drastic changes.  

 

  1. I deleted both IMVU developer accounts.  (I know that seems trivial but I was developing an addiction).
  2. I ended the little tete-a-tete (for lack of a better word) between myself and CH.
  3. I’ve resumed the search for my trusty bible.
  4. I’m moving.  My company’s paying relocation expenses.

 

There are certain undeniable truths that I know within my spirit.  I know that I need to find solace and fellowship with other like-minded individuals.

I would say the most drastic move I’m about to  embark on is returning to the fold at Church.   

I don’t believe in religion per se.   Not organized, political religion or churches that cater to the people and not the souls of the people.

 

I don’t want to be around a group of individuals who are going to suck up to me and tell me that I’m right when I know there’s a chance I might be wrong.

I need a real Church.   A group of people who will provide the love and support I need when I resume my walk with God.  

I also know that I’m going to lose a lot of readers by my saying this and I know that I don’t care.   It’s 2009 and we’re so reliant on technology, science and politics, we see fit to push God out of the picture.   We’re in a modern world where the Love has grown cold and I am not in agreement with that.

I think that God is truly needed in this world and we spend too much time pushing him out as opposed to inviting him in. 

 

We justify our own actions by saying this is supposedly what God wants when truly beneath the surface we’ve taken control of the steering wheel and are quickly veering off into oblivion.

 

I’m letting him take the steering back.    So defiantly to the naysayers I aver that I do not care if this entry comes much to your chagrin.    I’m making changes and  I’m making them fast.   You can either roll with me, or get rolled over!!

*Waits for the followers list to diminish

Naivete

inside I feel the onset of a new spiritual awakening.   I don’t want to be just another face in the crowd.  I want to stand out.  I want to be defiant and I want to show strength in my convictions.   Like i did when I was 17 years old when I wanted God to change my life for the better.   Somewhere down the line, it all got confused.   I let my trust in humans outweigh my faith in God.   Now like the rest of these lost souls, I wander the streets disenfranchised and desensitized.  So much so, that I can’t even stop to smell the roses in my concrete Jungle.   I live in suburbia but the lawn is dry.  There’s nothing but wind and frost to greet me.   Even when the sun comes out, I know things will never be the same.   So it takes a walk of faith to hold fast to the things that were once near and dear to my heart.   The innocence that bloomed behind the 17 year olds eyes as she stepped out into the world.   These things, I’ve taken for granted. 

Say Uncle!!

Chris I can't even Defend you on this one.One day a man was walking down the street on his way to work. As he walked down the street, there were dogs on just about every front porch and they all would bark as the man walk passed them. However, there was one dog that he remembered, because this dog was just sitting there and he was whimpering and whining and moaning, you know the little whimpering sounds dogs make when they are wounded or in some sort of pain. Well, this particular dog was just sitting there on the front porch making those sounds. The man was curious as to why this dog wasn’t barking like the other dogs and why he was whimpering. He couldn’t figure it out, so he just kept walking to work. The next day he was in the same situation where he was walking down the street and saw the dogs barking once again and this same dog that was moaning and groaning the other day was doing the same thing today and he just couldn’t figure it out. Well, he walked passed for an entire week and everyday the dog would be there moaning and groaning. So, finally the guy got fed up, he said, “let me find out what’s going on.” So he went and knocked on the door and a guy came out and said, “Yes, how may I help you?” He said, “Sir, is this your dog?” “Yes, that’s my dog.” “Well, what’s wrong with him?” The owner of the dog said, “What do you mean?” “Well, he’s been sitting here moaning and groaning, whimpering and whining for an entire week. The rest of the dogs are barking, your dog should be barking too, why is he moaning and groaning?” The owner said, “Well, he’s actually sitting on a nail.” And the guy said, ‘What! Your dog is sitting on a nail. Why doesn’t he get off?” “Well, it just doesn’t hurt him enough.” -.


  How many of us have been thru the same situation?  What exactly does it take for that nail to start hurting enough?  Now I don’t profess to know Chris & Rhi Rhi’s  story.  But a photo speaks volumes.   Though I’ve never been involved in physically abusive relationships, I’ve been torn down and negated  enough to identify the signs of abuse.   Usually it starts out verbal and for some, it ends physical.   Yet we find ourselves drawn to the same kind of people and we find ourselves trying to build with someone who isn’t worth the effort.   Some of us tend to believe that if we put forth the effort and stick around on a long term basis, we’ll effect positive change.   But you have to find your happy medium and determine when to say “when”.   Determine when to walk away from the situation and determine when to love that person from a distance.   I’m not sure if  this is in fact a common misnomer, but for myself I can say that half the time I was subconsciously doing this because I didn’t want to give up on the relationship.   But I learned somewhere down the line that it is pointless to try and change someone in a relationship that is changing you for the worst.     You can look at this photo and know that her wounds are not just physical, they’re emotional and mental.   Once you’ve lost yourself, it’s hard to get that back.  And if you can’t get that back, how can you love someone else effectively enough to inspire change?

If you’re objective is to be “Captain save-a-hoe”, then save yourself first.  

 

This has been a public service announcement from yours truly.

How is it so Easy

I meant to post this as a comment in Alix’s blog.  But,  I have way too much to say.  Way too many questions to ask.

 

It’s been about a month since her and I broke up.  (Her being Aquafina).   I’m not as devastated about the break-up as I am about the events that followed subsequently.   Within 4 hours of our break-up she with someone else.  It’s not the fact that she moved on so fast that pains me.   It’s the fact that the person who she is with was a mutual friend of ours.   I remember succinctly asking her if she was cheating on me with that person.   Her response to me was no.   I’m 30 years old.  I may look naive but my date of birth was not 02-20-09.   She claimed she wasn’t cheating.   I wanted us to be friends when we broke up but after all this I can’t look at her the same anymore.   I can’t even bring myself to respect her because she lied blatantly.   The opportunity posed itself for her to come clean, yet she continued with the lies.    Much like Alix, I tend to ask myself from time to time, how is it for someone to break your hear so easily and not even flinch?   I had the opportunity to leave that relationship had she been forthright but I stuck around and put myself through unnecessary pain.  I kept trying to make the glove fit because i felt she deserved a chance and I felt that I didn’t need to push anyone else away.  Not Again.  Boy was I wrong!!?

Indecisive

I don’t know if the emotions that I’m feeling  mean that I  like her or if I love her.  We’ve been talking since maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago.  Everyday, she’s unsure about what our future holds and Everyday it seems as if I don’t have secure footing in this  relationship.   I’m not exactly calling it a relationship because she’s not my girlfriend.  But for the sake of identifying this thing we have, I’ll call it a relationship.   She’s been thru the same b.s. that I have.  She’s had her heart broken more often than not – as have I.   It’s really hard to convince her that I’m not here to break her heart.  But it’s even harder maintaining the lines of communication when, I’m in the same predicament.   I can’t expect her to trust me overnight  especially because I know that I can’t do the same for her.   However, I want to be sure that this is something she wants to do.  She’s decided today.  Undecided tomorrow.   I told her last week that I couldn’t do this with her and that perhaps it would be best if we didn’t see each other anymore.  She calls me the next day saying she wants me in her life. Then the day after that she’s too scared and she doesn’t want to like me , which basically is sending me mixed signals.   Should I stay?  Should I go?   Subsequently she’s made the suggestion we just talk  (no definitions) and just see where the day takes us.   I’m fine with that but I don’t want to put my own heart on hold when it’s possible there are other opportunities waiting for me.   I like her a lot but I’ve already been thru this.  I’ve been thru the waiting period and I don’t think it’s fair to have me wait and remain exclusive to only you when we don’t know if you’re going to jump ship 2 days from now.