I don’t think I’ve ever felt like a dilettante before. Well, not until now. I’ve been working in the Lab for almost a month and will admit that sometimes the tasks are overwhelming. There is so much to process all at once and my fear is that I’ll forget it as soon as I learn it. I’m in one of those situations where fast-paced learning is required and although I’ve learned a great deal, there are still more thresholds to be conquered. Here it is, I’m wanting to throw myself back into my work once again and I haven’t even ventured out on a vacation.
I have a million and one reasons why I should go out this weekend and get shitfaced. But I’ll refrain from the latter. My boss offered the option of relocating and I feel like it’s just what the doctor ordered. However he’d like to me to relocate to the VA/DC area within 3 months. I don’t even know how that’s going to happen seeing as I haven’t even started looking for an apartment out there and I’m not even sure how I would start. So if anyone has some advice on where to find a nice little 1 bedroom in a decent area (preferably somewhere I won’t get shot), then please by all means, drop me a line or 2 or 3….
Anyway it’s almost 10a.m and I should be washing my ass for work. One can only hope I’m not slated to come in tomorrow. That would be a real buzzkill.
Where do I begin? I’ve been spending the last few days doing a lot of soul-searching. I know that I’ve spent the better part of the last 8 years looking to fill a void. I thought perhaps if I fell in love I’d find completion. But love isn’t exactly what it’s all about. I’m a spiritual person and I’d like to think there’s a divine purpose to be fulfilled by me. I have an old soul and I can’t help but feel the fatigue setting in. I feel like I’m running this perpetual hamsters wheel with no clue as to why I’m running and I know that I need to set more profound objectives and goals for myself.
So here it is I’ve made some post New Years Resolutions. As of yesterday, I’ve started off with making what I would consider to be drastic changes.
- I deleted both IMVU developer accounts. (I know that seems trivial but I was developing an addiction).
- I ended the little tete-a-tete (for lack of a better word) between myself and CH.
- I’ve resumed the search for my trusty bible.
- I’m moving. My company’s paying relocation expenses.
There are certain undeniable truths that I know within my spirit. I know that I need to find solace and fellowship with other like-minded individuals.
I would say the most drastic move I’m about to embark on is returning to the fold at Church.
I don’t believe in religion per se. Not organized, political religion or churches that cater to the people and not the souls of the people.
I don’t want to be around a group of individuals who are going to suck up to me and tell me that I’m right when I know there’s a chance I might be wrong.
I need a real Church. A group of people who will provide the love and support I need when I resume my walk with God.
I also know that I’m going to lose a lot of readers by my saying this and I know that I don’t care. It’s 2009 and we’re so reliant on technology, science and politics, we see fit to push God out of the picture. We’re in a modern world where the Love has grown cold and I am not in agreement with that.
I think that God is truly needed in this world and we spend too much time pushing him out as opposed to inviting him in.
We justify our own actions by saying this is supposedly what God wants when truly beneath the surface we’ve taken control of the steering wheel and are quickly veering off into oblivion.
I’m letting him take the steering back. So defiantly to the naysayers I aver that I do not care if this entry comes much to your chagrin. I’m making changes and I’m making them fast. You can either roll with me, or get rolled over!!
*Waits for the followers list to diminish
inside I feel the onset of a new spiritual awakening. I don’t want to be just another face in the crowd. I want to stand out. I want to be defiant and I want to show strength in my convictions. Like i did when I was 17 years old when I wanted God to change my life for the better. Somewhere down the line, it all got confused. I let my trust in humans outweigh my faith in God. Now like the rest of these lost souls, I wander the streets disenfranchised and desensitized. So much so, that I can’t even stop to smell the roses in my concrete Jungle. I live in suburbia but the lawn is dry. There’s nothing but wind and frost to greet me. Even when the sun comes out, I know things will never be the same. So it takes a walk of faith to hold fast to the things that were once near and dear to my heart. The innocence that bloomed behind the 17 year olds eyes as she stepped out into the world. These things, I’ve taken for granted.
One day a man was walking down the street on his way to work. As he walked down the street, there were dogs on just about every front porch and they all would bark as the man walk passed them. However, there was one dog that he remembered, because this dog was just sitting there and he was whimpering and whining and moaning, you know the little whimpering sounds dogs make when they are wounded or in some sort of pain. Well, this particular dog was just sitting there on the front porch making those sounds. The man was curious as to why this dog wasn’t barking like the other dogs and why he was whimpering. He couldn’t figure it out, so he just kept walking to work. The next day he was in the same situation where he was walking down the street and saw the dogs barking once again and this same dog that was moaning and groaning the other day was doing the same thing today and he just couldn’t figure it out. Well, he walked passed for an entire week and everyday the dog would be there moaning and groaning. So, finally the guy got fed up, he said, “let me find out what’s going on.” So he went and knocked on the door and a guy came out and said, “Yes, how may I help you?” He said, “Sir, is this your dog?” “Yes, that’s my dog.” “Well, what’s wrong with him?” The owner of the dog said, “What do you mean?” “Well, he’s been sitting here moaning and groaning, whimpering and whining for an entire week. The rest of the dogs are barking, your dog should be barking too, why is he moaning and groaning?” The owner said, “Well, he’s actually sitting on a nail.” And the guy said, ‘What! Your dog is sitting on a nail. Why doesn’t he get off?” “Well, it just doesn’t hurt him enough.” -.
How many of us have been thru the same situation? What exactly does it take for that nail to start hurting enough? Now I don’t profess to know Chris & Rhi Rhi’s story. But a photo speaks volumes. Though I’ve never been involved in physically abusive relationships, I’ve been torn down and negated enough to identify the signs of abuse. Usually it starts out verbal and for some, it ends physical. Yet we find ourselves drawn to the same kind of people and we find ourselves trying to build with someone who isn’t worth the effort. Some of us tend to believe that if we put forth the effort and stick around on a long term basis, we’ll effect positive change. But you have to find your happy medium and determine when to say “when”. Determine when to walk away from the situation and determine when to love that person from a distance. I’m not sure if this is in fact a common misnomer, but for myself I can say that half the time I was subconsciously doing this because I didn’t want to give up on the relationship. But I learned somewhere down the line that it is pointless to try and change someone in a relationship that is changing you for the worst. You can look at this photo and know that her wounds are not just physical, they’re emotional and mental. Once you’ve lost yourself, it’s hard to get that back. And if you can’t get that back, how can you love someone else effectively enough to inspire change?
If you’re objective is to be “Captain save-a-hoe”, then save yourself first.
This has been a public service announcement from yours truly.
I meant to post this as a comment in Alix’s blog. But, I have way too much to say. Way too many questions to ask.
It’s been about a month since her and I broke up. (Her being Aquafina). I’m not as devastated about the break-up as I am about the events that followed subsequently. Within 4 hours of our break-up she with someone else. It’s not the fact that she moved on so fast that pains me. It’s the fact that the person who she is with was a mutual friend of ours. I remember succinctly asking her if she was cheating on me with that person. Her response to me was no. I’m 30 years old. I may look naive but my date of birth was not 02-20-09. She claimed she wasn’t cheating. I wanted us to be friends when we broke up but after all this I can’t look at her the same anymore. I can’t even bring myself to respect her because she lied blatantly. The opportunity posed itself for her to come clean, yet she continued with the lies. Much like Alix, I tend to ask myself from time to time, how is it for someone to break your hear so easily and not even flinch? I had the opportunity to leave that relationship had she been forthright but I stuck around and put myself through unnecessary pain. I kept trying to make the glove fit because i felt she deserved a chance and I felt that I didn’t need to push anyone else away. Not Again. Boy was I wrong!!?
I don’t know if the emotions that I’m feeling mean that I like her or if I love her. We’ve been talking since maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago. Everyday, she’s unsure about what our future holds and Everyday it seems as if I don’t have secure footing in this relationship. I’m not exactly calling it a relationship because she’s not my girlfriend. But for the sake of identifying this thing we have, I’ll call it a relationship. She’s been thru the same b.s. that I have. She’s had her heart broken more often than not – as have I. It’s really hard to convince her that I’m not here to break her heart. But it’s even harder maintaining the lines of communication when, I’m in the same predicament. I can’t expect her to trust me overnight especially because I know that I can’t do the same for her. However, I want to be sure that this is something she wants to do. She’s decided today. Undecided tomorrow. I told her last week that I couldn’t do this with her and that perhaps it would be best if we didn’t see each other anymore. She calls me the next day saying she wants me in her life. Then the day after that she’s too scared and she doesn’t want to like me , which basically is sending me mixed signals. Should I stay? Should I go? Subsequently she’s made the suggestion we just talk (no definitions) and just see where the day takes us. I’m fine with that but I don’t want to put my own heart on hold when it’s possible there are other opportunities waiting for me. I like her a lot but I’ve already been thru this. I’ve been thru the waiting period and I don’t think it’s fair to have me wait and remain exclusive to only you when we don’t know if you’re going to jump ship 2 days from now.
You never really seem to learn from your past experiences. It seems as if you truly are looking for fulfillment under the guise of love. Actually, I’ve come to the conclusion that you are looking for what you once had 6 years ago. You’ve had a taste of it and now you want more. Maybe you should stop looking. Maybe you should stop hoping that each and every moment will be a direct replica of the first.
The older I get the more I have this disdain for surrounding myself with only LGBT individuals. I know that sounds crazy but let me explain why.
I’ve been on this scene for perhaps 8 years or so and I’m pretty much able to predict the actions of my gay/ lesbian counterparts. So much so that it really doesn’t add any mystery to the situation. Being of sound Sagittarian mind and body, it is in my nature to want to experience new things and to learn and grow spiritually. I’m not finding that by only associating with one specific group in society. I think that as a lesbian the objective should be to be accepted in society as an equal. So I don’t really go out of my way to separate myself or ostracize myself from the heteros. There are no rainbow decals all over my windshield or bumper nor do I wear these bright ass colors to work on a daily basis. The fact that I am gay,does not make me any more special than the next individual. So why is it that I feel as if we’ve created our own secret society and no one else is allowed in (not even the bi’s)?
Which broaches an additional topic. How is it that lesbians struggle so much for equality yet I’ve had the displeasure of encountering so many who do not like bi-sexuals? How are we to ask for the very same rights that we deny others? It seems totally asinine to me.
Valentines day finds me in solace. I’ve never had time to actually be lonely. But today I am. I have friends, great ones at that. But they’re all out having a drink with their significant other or celebrating v-day somehow. I’ve really been thinking about how I approach relationships lately. Someone once said that I was in love
with the concept of love. Something that I’ve –until now– completely denied. Having acknowledged the latter, I’ve now changed my course. I have an idea on how to keep my feelings in check, as they only seem to develop when there’s some semblance of "love” (i.e. infatuation) rearing it’s ugly head. I’m starting to know the tell-tale signs and how to differentiate the two. I had a recent conversation with someone about that one time in my life when I was truly in love. It was perhaps the only time in my life that I couldn’t do without that person. It was the one time in life that I was able to forgive the slights and lover her unconditionally. I can’t say that I’ve had the opportunity to experience that again. My heart tends to freeze quickly at the slightest inkling of disappointment. Also among the tell-tale signs was the metamorphosis I’d undergone. It was a positive change. I was able to understand the full capacity of my love. I don’t think that anyone will ever be able to break into my heart and make me feel the way I did then or experience the things I did then. It was – to say the least – a spiritual eye opener. And for that, I’m grateful.