You never really seem to learn from your past experiences. It seems as if you truly are looking for fulfillment under the guise of love. Actually, I’ve come to the conclusion that you are looking for what you once had 6 years ago. You’ve had a taste of it and now you want more. Maybe you should stop looking. Maybe you should stop hoping that each and every moment will be a direct replica of the first.
The older I get the more I have this disdain for surrounding myself with only LGBT individuals. I know that sounds crazy but let me explain why.
I’ve been on this scene for perhaps 8 years or so and I’m pretty much able to predict the actions of my gay/ lesbian counterparts. So much so that it really doesn’t add any mystery to the situation. Being of sound Sagittarian mind and body, it is in my nature to want to experience new things and to learn and grow spiritually. I’m not finding that by only associating with one specific group in society. I think that as a lesbian the objective should be to be accepted in society as an equal. So I don’t really go out of my way to separate myself or ostracize myself from the heteros. There are no rainbow decals all over my windshield or bumper nor do I wear these bright ass colors to work on a daily basis. The fact that I am gay,does not make me any more special than the next individual. So why is it that I feel as if we’ve created our own secret society and no one else is allowed in (not even the bi’s)?
Which broaches an additional topic. How is it that lesbians struggle so much for equality yet I’ve had the displeasure of encountering so many who do not like bi-sexuals? How are we to ask for the very same rights that we deny others? It seems totally asinine to me.
Valentines day finds me in solace. I’ve never had time to actually be lonely. But today I am. I have friends, great ones at that. But they’re all out having a drink with their significant other or celebrating v-day somehow. I’ve really been thinking about how I approach relationships lately. Someone once said that I was in love
with the concept of love. Something that I’ve –until now– completely denied. Having acknowledged the latter, I’ve now changed my course. I have an idea on how to keep my feelings in check, as they only seem to develop when there’s some semblance of "love” (i.e. infatuation) rearing it’s ugly head. I’m starting to know the tell-tale signs and how to differentiate the two. I had a recent conversation with someone about that one time in my life when I was truly in love. It was perhaps the only time in my life that I couldn’t do without that person. It was the one time in life that I was able to forgive the slights and lover her unconditionally. I can’t say that I’ve had the opportunity to experience that again. My heart tends to freeze quickly at the slightest inkling of disappointment. Also among the tell-tale signs was the metamorphosis I’d undergone. It was a positive change. I was able to understand the full capacity of my love. I don’t think that anyone will ever be able to break into my heart and make me feel the way I did then or experience the things I did then. It was – to say the least – a spiritual eye opener. And for that, I’m grateful.
Finally at least one hurdle has been overcome, I’m no longer riding public transportation with the crazies. Friday I saw this dude on the buss with his pants and boxers below his ass. It was a real live nightmare. I saw more than buttcrack and I was not enthused.
I’m not sure I want to be in another committed relationship. Honestly, I just wanna fuck. Oh dear I’m turning into Neevie.
I haven’t been here in awhile so I’m gonna catch you up on a quick brief synopsis. My Ballroom life is now null and void. I’ve had many a fond memory including a few bad ones. But now I’ve entered the next stage of my life. I’m a budding workaholic. I even had a girlfriend until January when she cheated on me. It was one of those textbook situations where, you meet a damsel-in-distress and you want to ride off with her into the sunset. Unfortunately that’s a fairytale. In the urban forest, a damsel in distress couldn’t recognize a prince (or princess) charming if he (or she) hit her in the face with a nine iron. Maybe I have a fucked up perspective of women who’ve previously been abused. But as past experience would have it, they tend to dish out the abuse as well. Needless to say she’s gone and I’m back to working my ass off and stressing about my career.
I’m a computer geek by nature (we get no love) and I’ve spent so much time at work and at home “working”, that I’ve now found it necessary to resume the hobbies of yesteryear. I got a not-so-new Nikon d50 off Ebay and now I’m going photo crazy. Anyway it’s 3 am here and I have to be up for work in the morning so I’ll update you folks later.
How I fell in love with photography. Photography is one of the few things that keep me in touch with nature and all aspects of God’s creation. It brings about a certain kind of peace and calm.
Today really started off lovely. First thing’s first; my tax preparer calls and tells me I owe the federal government $271 dollars because supposedly, I have 2 dependents listed on my w-2. This is but one of many events that occurred since the week’s inception. On Sunday my mechanic tells me I’ll need to drop the car off to have the hub-bearings changed. (FYI: Hub bearings contribute to front wheel drive on your car). There’s some special grease packed into them when they’re manufactured. Apparently I ran out of that grease weeks (if not months) ago. So now they’re grinding against each other kinda like bone on bone. To replace them, I will need to drop the car off at the Mechanic and use a rental for however long it takes him to send them off to have them replaced and re-packed. This might take 2 weeks which might result in me coming out of pocket $400 for a rental. The game plan was to drop the car off on Saturday to have all that done. But Lo and behold it snowed yesterday. So I’m taking my time easing off the exit ramp on CT-15 when dear old Christine starts hydroplaning then finishes up with a couple figure 8s then hits the embankment almost flipping over. Oh but she wasn’t done yet. She continued hydroplaning some more and narrowly missed a utility pole and if it wasn’t for that nice mound of snow stopping the momentum, I would’ve smashed headfirst into this granite structure illustrated below:
An uneventful day at the Beardsley Zoo. Im testing my prowess when it comes to Nikon.
Besides the nikon. I found out some pretty interesting news. The hub bearings on my care are damn near shot which means dear christine will be out of commission for quite some time. I guess I’ll be hoofin it for a while.