Return to Sender

Dear Self,


You never really seem to learn from your past experiences.   It seems as if you truly are looking for fulfillment under the guise of love.   Actually,  I’ve come to the conclusion that you are looking for what you once had 6 years ago.   You’ve had a taste of it  and now you want more.   Maybe you should stop looking.   Maybe you should stop hoping that each and every moment will be a direct replica of the first.   







Yours Truly




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This Little Rainbow Clique

The older I get the more I have this disdain for surrounding myself with only LGBT individuals.   I know that sounds crazy but let me explain why. 

I’ve been on this scene for perhaps 8 years or so and I’m pretty much able to predict the actions of my gay/ lesbian counterparts.   So much so that it really doesn’t add any mystery to the situation.    Being of sound Sagittarian mind and body, it is in my nature to want to experience new things and to learn and grow spiritually.   I’m not finding that by only associating with one specific group in society.   I think that as a lesbian the objective should be to be accepted in society as an equal.   So I don’t really go out of my way to separate myself or ostracize myself from the heteros.   There are no rainbow decals all over my windshield or bumper nor do I wear these bright ass colors to work on a daily basis.   The fact that I am gay,does not make me any more special than the next individual.     So why is it that I feel as if we’ve created our own secret society and no one else is allowed in  (not even the bi’s)?

Which broaches an additional topic.   How is it that lesbians struggle so much for equality yet I’ve had the displeasure of encountering so many who do not like bi-sexuals?   How are we to ask for the very same rights that we deny others?   It seems totally asinine to me.   

True definition of Love…..

Valentines day finds me in solace.   I’ve never had time to actually be lonely.  But today I am.   I have friends, great ones at that.  But they’re all out having a drink with their significant other or celebrating v-day somehow.   I’ve really been thinking about how I approach relationships lately.   Someone once said that I was in love

with the concept of love.   Something that I’ve –until now–  completely denied.   Having acknowledged the latter, I’ve now changed my course.    I have an idea on how to keep my feelings in check, as they only seem to develop when there’s some semblance of "love” (i.e. infatuation) rearing it’s ugly head.   I’m starting to know the tell-tale signs and how to differentiate the two.   I had a recent conversation with someone about that one time in my life when I was truly in love.   It was perhaps the only time in my life that I couldn’t do without that person.   It was the one time in life that I was able to forgive the slights and lover her unconditionally.   I can’t say that I’ve had the opportunity to experience that again.   My heart tends to freeze quickly at the slightest inkling of disappointment.  Also among the tell-tale signs was the metamorphosis I’d undergone.  It was a positive change.  I was able to understand the full capacity of my love.   I don’t think that anyone will ever be able to break into my heart and make me feel the way I did then or experience the things I did then.   It was – to say the least – a spiritual eye opener.  And for that, I’m grateful.


I haven’t been here in awhile so I’m gonna catch you up on a quick brief synopsis. My Ballroom life is now null and void. I’ve had many a fond memory including a few bad ones. But now I’ve entered the next stage of my life. I’m a budding workaholic. I even had a girlfriend until January when she cheated on me. It was one of those textbook situations where, you meet a damsel-in-distress and you want to ride off with her into the sunset. Unfortunately that’s a fairytale. In the urban forest, a damsel in distress couldn’t recognize a prince (or princess) charming if he (or she) hit her in the face with a nine iron. Maybe I have a fucked up perspective of women who’ve previously been abused. But as past experience would have it, they tend to dish out the abuse as well. Needless to say she’s gone and I’m back to working my ass off and stressing about my career.


I’m a computer geek by nature (we get no love) and I’ve spent so much time at work and at home “working”, that I’ve now found it necessary to resume the hobbies of yesteryear. I got a not-so-new Nikon d50 off Ebay and now I’m going photo crazy. Anyway it’s 3 am here and I have to be up for work in the morning so I’ll update you folks later.

Caged In

Considering it’s been a stressful week, I haven’t really been able to focus on love. I feel kind of fucked up because I haven’t been able to call A when I say I’m going to call her. I was supposed to call her last night and I got in so late that I ended up falling asleep. Then I had to get up and do it all over again this morning. I need some serious spiritual healing. I told her I was going to go to church on Sunday. She cracked up laughing. She got her 7 chuckles from sheer disbelief. This morning I get up and there’s a message on my cell phone from Narh. “Meesh! I need you to bring the keys so we can move your car coz it’s blocking the delivery trucks. Call me or if you can’t reach me, call my brother at the house or ring both bells.”

Needless to say, I exhausted all alternatives when I went by the house to drop off those keys. Narh wasn’t there. His brother wasn’t answering the door nor was he answering the phone. I reluctantly had to find a way to pull the car into his driveway. I say reluctantly because it took me 15 minutes just to turn the wheels to get it into the driveway. Then it took another 15 minutes just waiting on this semi to pull into a parking spot across the street (the street isn’t that wide) so that I could move.

I get to work and Stephen the enterprise rep calls me. He’s like “so how do you like the car?” (Sounds like a car salesman). I’m like, “it handles well”. He goes on to say that his manager noticed a late payment on my house note. Let’s go back in time to when I provided a debit card and the mortgage bill in order to secure the rental which by the way they’d cancelled my reservation for. After scouring the house for a recent bill, I call in to find out that my reservation was deleted and I would have to wait 2 hours for a car to become available which ultimately was not a compact like I’d ordered and there was no one available to pick me up and take me there. But hey whatever!! I needed transportation and it’s not like there was a car rental place across the street. I paid them $400 to rent the car. The bank already put a hold on my account for the funds.

Back to the present. “Meesh we need you to call your mortgage company on conference with us so they can verify that your last house note was not paid late”. Excuse me, what the fuck does this have to do with the price of rent in Japan? You already have my money for the rental. Why would you need to dig deeper into my private affairs to ask the status of my account with my mortgage lender?

I feel like I’ve just been fucked in the ass with no money on the nightstand or a kiss goodnight. I’d like to just go out somewhere and deface private property or break a windshield or 2 coz Lord knows I’m in a sub-par state of mind.

Today really started off lovely. First thing’s first; my tax preparer calls and tells me I owe the federal government $271 dollars because supposedly, I have 2 dependents listed on my w-2. This is but one of many events that occurred since the week’s inception. On Sunday my mechanic tells me I’ll need to drop the car off to have the hub-bearings changed. (FYI: Hub bearings contribute to front wheel drive on your car). There’s some special grease packed into them when they’re manufactured. Apparently I ran out of that grease weeks (if not months) ago. So now they’re grinding against each other kinda like bone on bone. To replace them, I will need to drop the car off at the Mechanic and use a rental for however long it takes him to send them off to have them replaced and re-packed. This might take 2 weeks which might result in me coming out of pocket $400 for a rental. The game plan was to drop the car off on Saturday to have all that done. But Lo and behold it snowed yesterday. So I’m taking my time easing off the exit ramp on CT-15 when dear old Christine starts hydroplaning then finishes up with a couple figure 8s then hits the embankment almost flipping over. Oh but she wasn’t done yet. She continued hydroplaning some more and narrowly missed a utility pole and if it wasn’t for that nice mound of snow stopping the momentum, I would’ve smashed headfirst into this granite structure illustrated below:

Maned Wolf

Originally uploaded by kissmeshia

An uneventful day at the Beardsley Zoo. Im testing my prowess when it comes to Nikon.

Besides the nikon. I found out some pretty interesting news. The hub bearings on my care are damn near shot which means dear christine will be out of commission for quite some time. I guess I’ll be hoofin it for a while.