No Donut Delight in sight and I’m thirsty/hungry. Last night was unusually busy for me. Neeve dropped by in a tizzy. She’s having one of her moments and I’m quite envious. I’m only paraphrasing to protect the innocent but, I just admire the way she throws caution to the wind — Whereas, I always have to over think and overanalyze everything before even moving forward. Sometimes I psyche myself out. So I got to talking about it with nick last night and finally divulged to her just how I really felt about her. I mean it’s not like I’m in love or anything. I just really dig her style. And because of that, I’m now having difficulty talking to her. Our conversations aren’t as easy as they usually are because I’m holding back. She would like me to feel comfortable with her. But I don’t feel comfortable with folks oops gotta go. FOODS COOKIN!!!


I got my Nikon back. (woot woot). Blah blah blah. I’m happy I got it back but I’m not happy about the inclement weather. It’s snowed every fricking day since the start of the winter season. There’s not much one can do with a blanket of snow out on the streets. I think I need a serious vacation. But I should stop complaining because I got my baby back. Yeah that’s right I said it. I got my baby back. Now I can annoy people. Muhahahahahaha oh and no, you can’t see pictures of me.

Because she wants to fuck me, we can’t be friends. She’s managed to block me on all accounts. I’m perturbed by that. I’m perturbed by the fact that I actually give a shit. I value her friendship. But sometimes it feels like that friendship comes with strings attached — like I have to fuck her in order to truly gain acceptance or understanding from her. Why’s it such a big deal if I don’t call you within a 24 hour time frame? And how fucking selfish can you be that you decide I should drop my fucking phone call for you because “in your mind” you’re giving me that good rubber dick? I don’t think so. I don’t ask you to get off the phone with your friends so why ask me to do the same with mine. Why can’t I ever have a girlfriend that’s not selfish? Wait a minute; she was never my girlfriend which makes this entire CHARADE even more asinine.

I know I’m bad at calling people. I disappear for months on end. I’ve made it a Resolution to call my Grandmother once a Month. She’s not in the best health and I know it’s been hard for her since Grandpa died. I can’t imagine living with someone for over 20 years and then ultimately losing them. The year hasn’t started out on such a great note but I’m positive that things will turn around. I got into an accident and I’d show you the damage but I don’t really want folks to see just how fucked up my driving is. I’ll be lucky if Allstate doesn’t drop me next month. Oh and Aquafina is seriously “no more”. Found out she was cheating. She had the audacity to be mad at me for being mad at her like I had absolutely no right to. Her roommate claims I’m insecure. Likely story, she’s the one who caught a bitch fit coz she was too fat and couldn’t go to the club. If I remember correctly she was screaming @ Aquafina because she looked better than her (which remains to be seen). I think that’s a clear-cut case of insecurity. All this shit’s happened within the last 48 hours and I’m just really learning how to curb my temper and move on. I’m disappointed because I broke 2 years of celibacy with her (actually more than 2 years).

You know as a relationship ebbs and flows, you begin to realize just how much or little you are worth to an individual. If it’s the latter, when you first realize it, it starts to hurt. But then you grow so accustomed to it, the pain becomes second nature. Soon enough it’ll lead you to your breaking point where you must say “Uncle!”

I remember when I was the one that made you laugh and made you smile. But things change. They say the honeymoon’s over. But just coz it is doesn’t necessarily mean the marriage is. Now all we do is fight. I feel like I’m trying to keep this relationship together. Like I’m trying to be what you want but somehow I can’t do that. If I go back to just being the anti-social misanthrope I know I can be, I’m damned.

Somehow I don’t think she understands the boundaries betwixt friendship and relationship. I end up getting a phone call about how she’s not going down this route with me simply because she hasn’t heard from me within a day’s time. I have to ask, why am I obligated to call you on a daily basis? Is this something you’ve grown accustomed to when interacting with your groupies? Anyway for the update my week’s been shitty. I’ve managed to lock my keys in my car twice which left me stranded at work the whole entire night. Triple A had too many emergencies that night to get there on time.

Then 2 days later I get into an accident. This isn’t quite how I planned on starting my New Year but I guess I’ll have to kill some old habits. It really wasn’t in the cards to make a New Year’s resolution. I don’t believe in resolutions being made on one single day of the year when they should be planned and executed all throughout the year. My boss says I need to clear my aura. I’m not one to believe in that whole “chi” and “aura” crap, but I do believe in prayer. I think that my walk with God leaves much to be desired, so I think that I’ll need to start anew. I wish I weren’t so jaded sometimes. I wish I was strong enough to stick to my own convictions. But so much has changed over the years.