NIKON I LUV U

I got my Nikon back. (woot woot). Blah blah blah. I’m happy I got it back but I’m not happy about the inclement weather. It’s snowed every fricking day since the start of the winter season. There’s not much one can do with a blanket of snow out on the streets. I think I need a serious vacation. But I should stop complaining because I got my baby back. Yeah that’s right I said it. I got my baby back. Now I can annoy people. Muhahahahahaha oh and no, you can’t see pictures of me.

Because she wants to fuck me, we can’t be friends. She’s managed to block me on all accounts. I’m perturbed by that. I’m perturbed by the fact that I actually give a shit. I value her friendship. But sometimes it feels like that friendship comes with strings attached — like I have to fuck her in order to truly gain acceptance or understanding from her. Why’s it such a big deal if I don’t call you within a 24 hour time frame? And how fucking selfish can you be that you decide I should drop my fucking phone call for you because “in your mind” you’re giving me that good rubber dick? I don’t think so. I don’t ask you to get off the phone with your friends so why ask me to do the same with mine. Why can’t I ever have a girlfriend that’s not selfish? Wait a minute; she was never my girlfriend which makes this entire CHARADE even more asinine.

I know I’m bad at calling people. I disappear for months on end. I’ve made it a Resolution to call my Grandmother once a Month. She’s not in the best health and I know it’s been hard for her since Grandpa died. I can’t imagine living with someone for over 20 years and then ultimately losing them. The year hasn’t started out on such a great note but I’m positive that things will turn around. I got into an accident and I’d show you the damage but I don’t really want folks to see just how fucked up my driving is. I’ll be lucky if Allstate doesn’t drop me next month. Oh and Aquafina is seriously “no more”. Found out she was cheating. She had the audacity to be mad at me for being mad at her like I had absolutely no right to. Her roommate claims I’m insecure. Likely story, she’s the one who caught a bitch fit coz she was too fat and couldn’t go to the club. If I remember correctly she was screaming @ Aquafina because she looked better than her (which remains to be seen). I think that’s a clear-cut case of insecurity. All this shit’s happened within the last 48 hours and I’m just really learning how to curb my temper and move on. I’m disappointed because I broke 2 years of celibacy with her (actually more than 2 years).

On the schedule tomorrow:

 

Go to work.

 

Come Home

 

Clean House

 

Find Bible

 

Read Bible

 

Pray

 

And hope that God will save my soul one day.

You know as a relationship ebbs and flows, you begin to realize just how much or little you are worth to an individual. If it’s the latter, when you first realize it, it starts to hurt. But then you grow so accustomed to it, the pain becomes second nature. Soon enough it’ll lead you to your breaking point where you must say “Uncle!”

I remember when I was the one that made you laugh and made you smile. But things change. They say the honeymoon’s over. But just coz it is doesn’t necessarily mean the marriage is. Now all we do is fight. I feel like I’m trying to keep this relationship together. Like I’m trying to be what you want but somehow I can’t do that. If I go back to just being the anti-social misanthrope I know I can be, I’m damned.

Somehow I don’t think she understands the boundaries betwixt friendship and relationship. I end up getting a phone call about how she’s not going down this route with me simply because she hasn’t heard from me within a day’s time. I have to ask, why am I obligated to call you on a daily basis? Is this something you’ve grown accustomed to when interacting with your groupies? Anyway for the update my week’s been shitty. I’ve managed to lock my keys in my car twice which left me stranded at work the whole entire night. Triple A had too many emergencies that night to get there on time.

Then 2 days later I get into an accident. This isn’t quite how I planned on starting my New Year but I guess I’ll have to kill some old habits. It really wasn’t in the cards to make a New Year’s resolution. I don’t believe in resolutions being made on one single day of the year when they should be planned and executed all throughout the year. My boss says I need to clear my aura. I’m not one to believe in that whole “chi” and “aura” crap, but I do believe in prayer. I think that my walk with God leaves much to be desired, so I think that I’ll need to start anew. I wish I weren’t so jaded sometimes. I wish I was strong enough to stick to my own convictions. But so much has changed over the years.

psy?chop?a?thy

  1. a mental disorder in which an individual manifests amoral and antisocial behavior, lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, extreme egocentricity, failure to learn from experience, etc.

Is this me? I ask myself questions like this every day. This is what puts me at odds with the world at large. The very fact that I ask myself questions one should be asking the Dali Lama. I psychoanalyze myself on a daily basis to determine why I can’t actually maintain long-lasting relationships with the people I love. Why am I so anti-social at times? I wouldn’t even term myself the perfect definition of a loser because losers at least have other losers to rely on. So what exactly am I?

Am I this psychopath? Sometimes I feel like something sinister’s astir within my spirit.

I’m realizing how truly fucked up my world is today. I just broke up with Aquafina about 2 nights ago. I just had to face facts. She is not on my level. I have a pet peeve about folks holding me hostage on the phone while they conduct external conversations with folks in the vicinity. I’ll let you slide if it’s work. I’ll even let you slide to say hello to your best friend. But when you’re so engrossed in your conversation you don’t even hear me when I say your name, there’s a problem. No never mind that. When I ask you to call me when you’re done and you immediately accuse me of having an attitude, then THERE’S A PROBLEM. I have better shyt to do. I work a lot. I work long hours and I’m tired at the end of my day. I could be sleeping but I’m up until the bewitching hour of “3:30am” with you, listening as you chat back and forth with your roommate. How self-centered and ego-maniacal can one person be that they demand all of your time? They’re just happy they have you and you’re officially theirs but never really take the time to know you beyond the scope of fucking you. You know where every single beauty mark is on my body. However you don’t know the kinds of things I get into. Girl what’s my favorite color? What’s my favorite food? Do I believe in God? Am I politician? What do I do on my days off? What are my thought processes? How much do I care about the world around me? What’s the relationship like between my parents and I? You loved me because I listened. I’m good at listening. However I’m human and sometimes I need someone to hear me out too. No I don’t need your pride to outweigh your judgment. I need you to hear me out and understand me. Stop taking offense to the things I say long enough to look at things from not just the Virgo perspective. I am and forever will be different from any other woman you have been with or will encounter. You don’t love me. Because to know me is to love me and you truly didn’t know me. Those who’ve known me have loved me and still do. They’re still there and can even tell when I’m hurting or something’s wrong without my saying anything. I wanted that kind of bond with you but it just ain’t happening.

 

p.s. I know you’ve known her for 10 years. But you’ve only known me a few months. You could’ve gave me the time of day

 

 

Today I ran a few errands. I like doing everything late. I don’t know why but I feel more energized when the sun goes down. I got some groceries – which, much to my chagrin – cost an arm and a leg. I really had no choice because stop & shop was the only grocer open in town. It’s New Years Day and everywhere in Bridgeport becomes a ghost town after a certain time. I called Aquafina. We spoke briefly about our plans for the day. She’s out shopping with her best friend / roommate. Our conversation was unusually polite like we’re each holding back feelings or things we would like to say.

Sometimes her head’s like Fort Knox. It’s pretty difficult to break in. There are however, those rare moments when she divulges the most intimate details of her child hood to me and seems so totally unabashed to recall such memories. It’s amazing; she seems to have been thru so much more in her life than I ever have. Yet, I’m the one with the chip on her shoulder. I can’t really seem to figure her out. There are instances where she speaks so freely with me about her past and then there are moments where she can’t trust me or she has that unmoving feeling that I’m cheating.