Sifting thru the Wreckage

I just got finished reading this book by the late E. Lynn Harris.  There were some truths that I came to accept while reading the book and in some way they awakened a spark of hope inside me.  The book is about skeletons.   You know the kind of skeletons we keep in our closets.   The skeletons we hide while portraying a picture perfect existence to the world.   Sometimes I think about what my life would’ve been like had I confessed some of my earlier wrong-doings.   Be that as it may, there still isn’t a strong enough argument to convince me to leave myself wide open.   I just know that I am not perfect and though I exude confidence and conceit  to most, I know that deep down I have my own imperfections.  Perhaps that is the driving force behind my continuous strife towards self-improvement.

The paradox that is me.   or maybe it isn’t a paradox after all.  There is such a thing as a Gay Christian isn’t there?   I’ve been trying to make these tiny little changes in my life.   A bible verse to start or end the day gives me a sense of direction as I’ve been miserably flailing like a fish out of water for the past 7 years.   I remember being as sure of myself as I was of my own footing on solid ground .   But I was 7 years younger and 20 lbs Lighter then.   Today, the notions that swim around in my brain consist of  deep theological processes;

• Why am I here?
• Why are we here?
• Where will I go when I die?

The more the days progress, the more people pass away the more I wonder  where I’ll be tomorrow or even in the next 5 minutes.   Should my sojourn end tomorrow or next week, will I have accomplished my divine purpose?   If so, what is it?   I’d hate to think of myself as being a useless waste of space.    I do know that all the experiences I’ve had—the Highs and the Lows—should amount to something more than just everyday occurrence.   But exactly what?   So I continue to read a scripture each day.   Yesterday I read Genesis 40 1-14, 23 (as instructed by Our Daily Bread).  The moral of the passage was “be patient when waiting for what God has in store for you”.   But I tried to fit it into my own existence.   I tried to piece things together using those verses.   I assumed it meant that I should exercise more patience in general.   I know that I’m typically prone to anger and that I can be quick-tempered and I thought It unusually ironic today when troubleshooting with a customer who remarked on how patient I was.    It almost felt like I was having an out-of-body experience.    There was no crying, no frustration.  Just the soothing almost-monotone voice that women in general have come to know and love.   Still it surprises me because despite the soothing tone, I know that I can be quick-tempered, cynical and sarcastic.   I guess I can chalk it up to God working through me.   Hopefully one day,  I’ll be a different person.  Maybe one day I’ll come full circle

So there you have it.  I’ve read all 7 Merry Gentry Books by Laurell K Hamilton.   It was simply an addiction I had to feed.  I found myself buying novel after novel and having lucid dreams about the characters.  I’m waiting for the 8th book – Divine Misdemeanors—to hit the shelves in December.   It’s been a long time since I’ve picked up one book — let alone 7 books – and not been able to put it back down.   Now I’m sitting here with an itch to scratch because December 8th can’t come fast enough.   And I blame her for introducing me to this newly formed addiction.   The downside;  she is no longer mine.   She’s the one who introduced me to Laurell K Hamilton.    And now that I’ve so indulged myself in the Land of Faerie, I am greeted with my own shocking reality.   The reality that the love of my life will no longer be in my life.  She broke it off with me — not that anything was official.    But it feels like a break up.   And though I’m disheartened by it, I realized that it had to happen sooner or later.   I love her, but I for one am so used to going it alone, that I know within my heart of hearts that we cannot be.   I know I cannot be like everyone else around me or like the happy couples who sit on porches year after year month after month, day after day – growing old together.   It is not within my divine makeup and for that I am truly sad.   Sad because I know that it’ll make for a very lonely existence.    I just know that my heart will always be with her from where I stand.  I know that there are nights when I yearn the opportunity to stand up on my tiptoes and plant a soft kiss on her lips.   But what is one night to a lifetime but a drop in the bucket.   Who am I fooling,  I can’t deal with myself for a lifetime much less to subject anyone to that kind of hell.  

Some days I wake up on the opposite side wishing being gay was an everyday occurrence.   I wake up wishing  it wasn’t an issue people had to march and rally at city hall for.   Like gay was just as normal as being Black or as Being White or as Being Human.   In our own eyes it is an innate part of our being.   But everyday we struggle.   Reactions seem to vary.   “Oh you’re gay!? That’s so cool !”  or “You’re Gay,  what dude fucked you over?”  Because it’s just not normal for a girl to grow up liking other girls unless she went thru some sort of traumatic experience with a man.   In truth,  I have always been different.   It had nothing to do with rejection by men.   It just took me a really long time to as they say – put a finger on it.  But like I said it’s not a normal everyday occurrence now it it?  The church spits venom in our direction.  They don’t want us married.   They don’t want us raising children.   So when I’m at my cousins wedding and I see how happy he is with his new bride and I look at his siblings and their spouses and their families, I’m envious.   Not of their heterosexual relationships but of the sense of normalcy they all seem to have.   Wherein  I can’t just take my girlfriend to Thanksgiving and announce “we’re getting married” without having bottles tossed in my direction.    Everyone wants to grow old and grey with someone but it seems as if it’s even harder to do when you’re old grey and gay.     

I was supposed to call Dad on Saturday.  I’d made a silent vow a few weeks back that he’d hear from me.   I love my Dad but he talks too much.  I’m not the chatterbox type and I can’t stand people who talk too much.  Which probably explain why I don’t use the phone often to call folks and why I’m so difficult to deal with in Long Distance relationships.  My tongue –being the two-edged sword that it is – has always been my one flaw.  So I choose to use it less.  I’ve never quite known how to use tact when expressing my feelings or voicing an opinion which can sometimes prove fatal to any conversation to be had.   As the old adage goes:  “if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all.” 

What makes you so special?…… 

Still nothing can fill the void in my heart.    My loins follow my heart and will ultimately find satisfaction in my hearts content.    I’ve look at most of the women in my life.  Past or Present and asked,   What makes you so special?    I know that I’m searching for the impossible but my quest continues.   I’d like her to be:

• refined
• Open-Minded
• Well put together
• Educated
• Wise beyond her years
• Silly
• Laidback but with a touch of class.   Not necessarily elitist class but by no means AMORAL.  
• She loves to cook (a girl after my own Heart).
• She’s ambitious
• She’s supportive
• She’s objective
• She cares about her appearance but isn’t overtly vain.   
• sensitive to the touch.  But strong when you need her to be

Maybe my prerequisites are too much.   In fact, they are.   But a girl can dream

The list of things I do not need:

• co-dependency
• mutability  (she should just be. but not mold herself to be)
• AMORALITY
• Indolence
• Desperation

Do you ever get the feeling that happiness & contentment magnifies beauty tenfold?

I’m not at the helm of the blogging community.   No one died and dubbed me “Maya Angelou” or “Toni Morrison” for that matter.   But there are just a few things that get my goat.

Shall we?

The Don’ts

• Inflammatory Blogs
• Blogs chocked full-a-ADS and pop-ups.
• and the oh-so-annoying Vogue quiz Magazines.

Is this all that sums up your existence?  Your Maury Povich lifestyle and your “how to keep your man/woman questionnaires”.

The Do’s

• Autobiographies
• Epic Realizations
• Range  -  Broadened Horizons

This is what lets us know we exist for a reason.

Things didn’t go exactly as planned this year.  I was supposed to move to DC or VA but then bossman pulled a switch on us.   We all lost our jobs with the exception of “P”  who was offered a position in VA.   Actually S and C quit before their exit dates.   Under the seemingly depressing circumstances, I found some semblance of a blessing in that I’ve moved on to bigger and better ventures with God’s help.  I’m now working on a trial basis with the local cable company which for me is a step in the right direction(It’ll look good on my Resume).  If all goes well then I should be seeing a sizeable increase in my pay.  Besides the pay being an added incentive, I’m finding more motivation from working in a much more efficient and well-structured environment.   There’s something about working with individuals who possess an equally strong work ethic that gets the Juices flowing.   For the past year I’d found myself to be as some would call it; “JADED”.   But now, I’m hauling ass to get to work and finding myself wanting to give 110% once again.  For the first time I’m actually working for an enterprise who cares about the needs and rights of the “little people” and I gotta tell ya; This shit feels good!!

I sure wish that I could ebb the tide of discomfort  I feel here in America.  But the older I get the more homesick I am.  Sadly enough,  I can’t go home.  I can’t go home to homophobia and gay bashing and hate crimes incited by homophobia.  I really just feel like I don’t belong anywhere.   And now thanks to today’s little episode,  I’m as uncomfortable in my own skin as I am living in this country.  So i happened across this new little virtual reality site called Second Life.   Everything’s been great at least until today.   Now let me say this,  I’ve never experienced racism in  all it’s glory until today.   In case you folks don’t know,  I’m a Black Lesbian.  2 slights against my character.   I’m as they would say, “a nigger”, and “ a deviant”.  So I’m in today’s voice chat.   The participants are of mixed heritage–Some, Caucasian American most, are of European descent – when this young woman approaches the microphone.   She says how she doesn’t like black people,  to which her friend responds “that’s racist”.    Now I’ve actually seen her around before.  She’s always playing these little wav files or sound files depicting ignorant African Americans working in Fast Food Facilities.  I initially thought maybe she was doing that for my benefit but decided to dismiss it.   But today after the statement was made.  I took a look at her profile, just to see if maybe she herself was black and that this was just like an inside Joke.  But then I see by her real pictures that she’s not black and I also happen to come across the following image which made my blood boil: