psy?chop?a?thy

  1. a mental disorder in which an individual manifests amoral and antisocial behavior, lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, extreme egocentricity, failure to learn from experience, etc.

Is this me? I ask myself questions like this every day. This is what puts me at odds with the world at large. The very fact that I ask myself questions one should be asking the Dali Lama. I psychoanalyze myself on a daily basis to determine why I can’t actually maintain long-lasting relationships with the people I love. Why am I so anti-social at times? I wouldn’t even term myself the perfect definition of a loser because losers at least have other losers to rely on. So what exactly am I?

Am I this psychopath? Sometimes I feel like something sinister’s astir within my spirit.

I’m realizing how truly fucked up my world is today. I just broke up with Aquafina about 2 nights ago. I just had to face facts. She is not on my level. I have a pet peeve about folks holding me hostage on the phone while they conduct external conversations with folks in the vicinity. I’ll let you slide if it’s work. I’ll even let you slide to say hello to your best friend. But when you’re so engrossed in your conversation you don’t even hear me when I say your name, there’s a problem. No never mind that. When I ask you to call me when you’re done and you immediately accuse me of having an attitude, then THERE’S A PROBLEM. I have better shyt to do. I work a lot. I work long hours and I’m tired at the end of my day. I could be sleeping but I’m up until the bewitching hour of “3:30am” with you, listening as you chat back and forth with your roommate. How self-centered and ego-maniacal can one person be that they demand all of your time? They’re just happy they have you and you’re officially theirs but never really take the time to know you beyond the scope of fucking you. You know where every single beauty mark is on my body. However you don’t know the kinds of things I get into. Girl what’s my favorite color? What’s my favorite food? Do I believe in God? Am I politician? What do I do on my days off? What are my thought processes? How much do I care about the world around me? What’s the relationship like between my parents and I? You loved me because I listened. I’m good at listening. However I’m human and sometimes I need someone to hear me out too. No I don’t need your pride to outweigh your judgment. I need you to hear me out and understand me. Stop taking offense to the things I say long enough to look at things from not just the Virgo perspective. I am and forever will be different from any other woman you have been with or will encounter. You don’t love me. Because to know me is to love me and you truly didn’t know me. Those who’ve known me have loved me and still do. They’re still there and can even tell when I’m hurting or something’s wrong without my saying anything. I wanted that kind of bond with you but it just ain’t happening.

 

p.s. I know you’ve known her for 10 years. But you’ve only known me a few months. You could’ve gave me the time of day

 

 

Today I ran a few errands. I like doing everything late. I don’t know why but I feel more energized when the sun goes down. I got some groceries – which, much to my chagrin – cost an arm and a leg. I really had no choice because stop & shop was the only grocer open in town. It’s New Years Day and everywhere in Bridgeport becomes a ghost town after a certain time. I called Aquafina. We spoke briefly about our plans for the day. She’s out shopping with her best friend / roommate. Our conversation was unusually polite like we’re each holding back feelings or things we would like to say.

Sometimes her head’s like Fort Knox. It’s pretty difficult to break in. There are however, those rare moments when she divulges the most intimate details of her child hood to me and seems so totally unabashed to recall such memories. It’s amazing; she seems to have been thru so much more in her life than I ever have. Yet, I’m the one with the chip on her shoulder. I can’t really seem to figure her out. There are instances where she speaks so freely with me about her past and then there are moments where she can’t trust me or she has that unmoving feeling that I’m cheating.

I keep getting the feeling she wants someone to sweep her off her feet. Come riding in on a white horse and swoop her up and take her off to some kind of fairy tale land. BITCH!! This ain’t “CHRONICLES OF NARNIA”. Santa Claus is not going to ride up on you in his sleigh and give you magical gifts and you’re not going to inherit a kingdom.

Dear Diary,

 

 

Maybe it’s just best for me to go it alone. I’m with you but I’m not really with you. I’m feeling so empty and so hollow inside. Like all I have in this world is God and my tears. I know relationships aren’t for me. Women aren’t for me. People aren’t for me. I can trust the things I cannot see but it’s the tangible shyt I can’t wrap my fingers around. I lay in my bed at night staring up at the ceiling in misery because it’s so cold and so dark here and no matter who I get close to, they’ll never really touch my soul. I keep wandering the world looking for fulfillment and everytime I meet a new chick I think she’s the answer. But we both know deep down inside, she’s not the answer. She’s just another distraction.

Backtrack….

 

We went to Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve. I had the nerve to wear one of those little exercise belts from curve that I bought out of an Avon catalog. I’m with Chelsea and Avion and they happened to be talking about this belt when I mention. I got one on right now. Chelsea looks at me in disgust like “what the fuck kind of weight do you need to lose?”

 

I didn’t really mean to start everything off on a bad note. Tonight’s Christmas night and my brother is here with his wife and kids. I haven’t seen them in a long time and I kind of missed them. Mostly I missed his little boney ass. My bro’s a regular comedian and seems to be able to lighten up any somber mood. He’s more laidback and jovial, whereas I’m more uptight. I’m not really afraid to admit my flaws. I figure that’s the strong point in a person’s character– being able to admit ones flaws. I cooked and baked. Really I just fried chicken and made a half West Indian meal which consisted of fried chicken, rice and peas and some cucumbers and tomatoes on the side– nothing big just something to fill the appetite. I also baked a gingerbread cake and a banana bread cake. After dinner we retired to the living room to watch the “HOUSE” marathon on the big screen. My bro likes house coz he’s such an asshole. He figures I can relate coz according to him; I act just like House.

When did we start having secrets? All of a sudden one can’t see her messages on her IMVU. You know IMVU is like MySpace. I’ve had many a friend who purposely hid their testimonials or comments so that both women in their lives could not see the others comments. Am I being petty coz I’m wondering if that’s what she’s doing? Wondering if this is some kind of game she’s playing? Is it insecurity? I’m only concerned coz I’ve seen other people do it. And by what I’ve come to learn; you can’t really put anything past anyone.

I really hope I’m not turning into my worst nightmare. I’m hoping and praying that I’m not him. I am not my father. I know he doesn’t give a shyt or maybe he didn’t. He wasn’t one for showing emotions much. If that isn’t the case then basically it must mean that I’ve given up. Like I’ve just resigned myself to not givin a fuck.

So I had the following conversation with an old friend:

kiss meshia ii [10:05 P.M.]:
matism
kiss meshia ii [10:05 P.M.]:

can I ask you a question
I MATISM I [10:05 P.M.]:
sure
kiss meshia ii [10:05 P.M.]:
when someone says something to you denigrating who you are as a person.
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:
how do you typically react
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:

or how does it usually make you feel
I MATISM I [10:06 P.M.]:
i would be really mad
I MATISM I [10:06 P.M.]:
n i would go the fuck off
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:
have you ever “not been mad”
kiss meshia ii [10:06 P.M.]:

not went off?
I MATISM I [10:07 P.M.]:
yea
kiss meshia ii [10:07 P.M.]:
has it ever bothered you?
I MATISM I [10:07 P.M.]:
when i let it go..no
kiss meshia ii [10:07 P.M.]:
no but i mean
kiss meshia ii [10:07 P.M.]:

has there every been a time
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:

when there is just no immediate reaction
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
ever*
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
yea
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
do you know why that is?
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
no i dont
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
it doesn’t make you wonder?
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
not really
kiss meshia ii [10:08 P.M.]:
you know how my mouth is right
I MATISM I [10:08 P.M.]:
u ok
I MATISM I [10:09 P.M.]:
yea i know
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
you know how my temper is
I MATISM I [10:09 P.M.]:
yea
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
well someone said something kinda fucked up to me
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
and
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:
I wasn’t even mad
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:

I didn’t respond
kiss meshia ii [10:09 P.M.]:

didn’t react
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
then thats a good thing rii
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
I jus didn’t care
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
there u go
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
is it a good thing if it’s someone you love
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:

aren’t I supposed to care.
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
wow
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
do u love this person
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
yes I do
kiss meshia ii [10:10 P.M.]:
but i really love me more than her
I MATISM I [10:10 P.M.]:
there u go
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:
could it be i’m so narcissistic
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

i just couldn’t give a fuck what she says
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:
and if that’s the case
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

is that good for a relationship
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

the next thing is
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:

Im a spiritual person
I MATISM I [10:11 P.M.]:
wow idk
kiss meshia ii [10:11 P.M.]:
and the moment i stop givin a fuck. I start thinking maybe I’ve lost touch with that side
I MATISM I [10:12 P.M.]:
you know u really have to ask urself is it worth losing
kiss meshia ii [10:12 P.M.]:
no it’s not worth losing but my question is how to i get it back. .like how do i start feeling again.
kiss meshia ii [10:12 P.M.]:

coz it’s like i don’t really feel anything
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:
and I hate that
I MATISM I [10:13 P.M.]:
wow gurl thats deep
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:
I just have this really bleak outlook on the world and even tho it’s bleak it doesn’t affect me one way or another
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:

because it’s just Like i’m “MATTER”
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:

i exist to exist.
I MATISM I [10:13 P.M.]:
u have change alot
kiss meshia ii [10:13 P.M.]:
if i have has it been positive
kiss meshia ii [10:14 P.M.]:
has it been negative
I MATISM I [10:14 P.M.]:
yes
I MATISM I [10:14 P.M.]:
ur growing up lady
kiss meshia ii [10:14 P.M.]:
how is it positive if i just don’t really feel anything though?
I MATISM I [10:14 P.M.]:
the feelings will come back trust
kiss meshia ii [10:16 P.M.]:
i hope so
kiss meshia ii [10:16 P.M.]:

because I don’t really feel human
I MATISM I [10:16 P.M.]:
it will
I MATISM I [10:16 P.M.]:
u pray rii
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:
yeah
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:

not as often as I used to
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:

but I do pray
I MATISM I [10:17 P.M.]:
then pray on it n trust u will see
kiss meshia ii [10:17 P.M.]:
do you think i’ll find more answers if I pray more
I MATISM I [10:17 P.M.]:
yes
kiss meshia ii [10:18 P.M.]:
then I guess that’s what I need to do
I MATISM I [10:18 P.M.]:
an u will be blessed
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:
thank you for talking ot me
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

to *
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:
mea
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

oops
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

me
kiss meshia ii [10:21 P.M.]:

I don’t feel so lost now
I MATISM I [10:21 P.M.]:
anytime Plat