I woke up this morning and I read some scripture and read my bible plans. I read from this book also. The book is called “The Purpose Driven Life”. But I topped it all off with an argument via text with Terique. He broached a valid point to me and rather than admit he was right I chose to argue. I mean I did see holes in his theory but that was the wrong time to broach that. So I fought him tooth and nail until I finally realized I was back in that Rut again. I have a problem with being wrong. Better yet I have a problem with always being wrong. over and over again. I’d like to know there’s something in my life I’m doing right. No pats on the back needed. Just an idea that I’m not wasting my life. I guess that’s what The Purpose Driven Life is about. Knowing God’s Plan for you. Haven’t read a full chapter yet but in evaluating myself. I’ve realized that I’m a walking disaster. Ground Zero has nothing on me.
My only confidante at times. My “Sheba”!
He is becoming unraveled. I’m starting to think that what he doesn’t need is a girlfriend. What he does need is professional help (or an exorcist). There was a point in my life when I couldn’t live without him. But now I don’t know. I was ready to leave again last night. Lately I’ve been thinking that I’m not quite cut out for relationships or marriage. He once represented my picket fence dream. But now he represents a life in bondage. A simple gesture might set him off. What happens then? will he kill me?
Where am I in my relationship with God? Have I developed another Stronghold? Could it be that my captor is me? I’m at a stalemate. I’m standing at a junction facing too many forks in the road, not knowing which option to take. I am trying to please everybody and yet I can please no one. it feels so much like I’m under pressure. under the Gun expected to meet certain criteria. so much so that I forgot what being me was about. I can’t place blame. I’m too old for the blame game. but how do I resolve it without finding the source and eradicating it. just another of my inane soliloquy. I say as much because I realize no one reads this blog. Yesterday I told drew that I was writing fiction but it’s far from the truth. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with anyone reading my thoughts and maybe I’d read them to Terique if I thought he was remotely interested in my narcissism. But as it stands no body is. This has been my altar to myself and idol worship will not be tolerated any longer. Henceforth this blog is about my 360 degree sphere. In other news the flyer is finished. feast your eyes. No it’s not graphical ingenuity but it’s a start:
I’ve discussed at length how depressed I’ve been and I think that God has answered my prayers in granting me a new lease on life. Here I am in sunny Florida with a job and new apartment and everyday thanking God for waking me anew. Thanking God for what I do have in my life and trying to make changes for the better. I think lately I’ve been a serial whiner. But that’s about to change. presently I’m working on a flyer for my church “To The Word Ministries”. Next I’ll be working on my Network Plus certification and I’ve decided to do a complete overhaul on the physical. new hairdo new clothes new attitude. And I’ll try not to bite off as many heads as I used to. Operative word is “Try”. I remember crying out to God and I know he heard my cry. Now he keeps me busy enough so I don’t remember my troubles. Or so I don’t remember Losing my brother though I still know he’s Gone but at the very least I won’t sit here poring over it enough to sink myself into a stupor. All-in-All I’m happy. I’m among family and maybe I’ll make some friends down here. But I wake up with the sunshine in my face and it’s enough to take my breath away. The simple pleasures in life.
feeling small and insignificant. just some random person. if I disappear it would be as if I were never here. the hard thing about being a Christian is that God reminds you that you are human. That you exist. And though advantageous it might seem. You’re also reminded that you are susceptible to life’s imperfections. To slights. to ill-used words. you ask yourself which is better? to cease to exist? or to feel alive and remain vulnerable to pain.
Yet suddenly I see my life in such a vivid array of Vibrant colors. My senses have awakened and it beats the humdrum of obscurity. This life beats the grey areas any day. GET UP!!!
On Thursday I removed another scrap of paper from the Prayer Box Terique gave me. I found a Job which I start on Monday. Yet I can’t help feeling melancholy ( and guilty because of it). I know I should be happy but the one thing I want in this world, I cannot have. Often we take for granted those we have around us. Especially, our siblings and we just don’t realize that one day we could lose them. Let’s face it, its not like you can just go to the store and buy a new one to replace the one you lost. We can do that with possessions but not people. You might want to cherish the people you have in your life while you still have them. set aside your petty squabbles and fights and just enjoy each others company. I feel equally bad because I should be giving thanks for the doors God has opened for me but yet I’d trade it in an instant for my brother. I have to wonder if I’m ever going to stop feeling this way. I would’ve traded my life for his when it came down to it because there was so much he has done and wanted to do. I pray God will forgive me for my lackluster attitude. I just don’t see how I’m going to get on without my bro.
sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever stop. If I will ever get over losing my brother. some days it’s bearable. other days it’s not. and I wonder if one day that will all change. If one day I’ll stop crying. everywhere i go i see fleeting reminders of him and I think of what could have been but never was. Please God tell me if the pain will end
I love you… or I’m in love with you. Which is harder to say? Which means more to you?
This morning I uttered a simple prayer and then it all came rushing back to me. Everything! How I could Help myself.. How I could help Terique. (He’s got his moments when he’s down too). I think that God answered a multitude of prayers in one fell swoop. Prayers I didn’t know I’d been asking. There are a few things I’ve identified about my depression:
- I’m alone down here
- I’m listless
- I have no value.
Those are the main issues i encounter. Quite the defeatist attitude if you ask me. But in praying and poring things over God (and Chavon) gave me my answers. Maybe I’m not working now but I could do some volunteer work. Cure for loneliness – Volunteer work places me around other like-minded individuals and gives me the opportunity to socialize and meet people in a positive setting. Cure for Listlessness (is that a word?) – it presents an opportunity to occupy my free time. Cure for worthlessness – It also helps me to feel better about my self because I’d be doing something that was worthwhile.