Requiem of a dream

sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever stop.  If I will ever get over losing my brother. some days it’s bearable. other days it’s not.  and I wonder if one day that will all change.   If one day I’ll stop crying.  everywhere i go i see fleeting reminders of him and I think of what could have been but never was.   Please God tell me if the pain will end

Grabbing life by the horns

This morning I uttered a simple prayer and then it all came rushing back to me.  Everything!  How I could Help myself..  How I could help Terique.   (He’s got his moments when he’s down too).    I think that God answered a multitude of prayers in one fell swoop.  Prayers I didn’t know I’d been asking.   There are a few things  I’ve identified about my depression:

 

  1. I’m alone down here
  2. I’m listless
  3. I have no value.  

 

Those are the main issues i encounter.   Quite the defeatist attitude if you ask me.  But in praying and poring things over  God  (and Chavon) gave me my answers.  Maybe I’m not working now but I could  do some volunteer work.  Cure for loneliness – Volunteer work places me around other like-minded individuals and gives me the opportunity to socialize and meet people in a positive setting.   Cure for Listlessness (is that a word?) – it presents an opportunity to occupy my free time. Cure for worthlessness – It also helps me to feel better about my self because I’d be doing something that was worthwhile.  

 

Baggage

Have you ever felt that when you love someone it did more harm than good.   In re-evaluating myself and my circumstance, I discovered that I’ve been a horrible friend when times are hard.    No I’m not talking about a fair weather friend.   Or maybe I am…. I just realized that I react differently to people when I’m not where I want to be.  Currently I’m not working and I’m feeling listless.  I don’t want to work just for the money but for the feeling of doing something worthwhile and every moment spent here feels like another minute wasted.   I’m sitting here watching my life flit before my eyes and wondering what I could contribute to my 360 degrees.  I’ve cried out to God so often and yet it’s not enough to allay my fears.  My demons tell me I’m not going to make it and that I’m a failure and often times I’ve contemplated suicide.  Not to worry, the answer always is turn to Jesus.   I don’t want to spend an eternity in damnation just because I was too weak to field the blows life’s been dishing out.   But it doesn’t mean I can ignore my situation.  I find it so daunting that I close myself off to friends or I’m overly defensive and emotional  whenever someone says anything to me.   So if i haven’t pushed you way I probably am trying to push you away without realizing it.  But God knows that solace is not what I need at this moment.   Some take comfort in solace. others.. in keeping their hands and minds occupied.  I’m the latter

The Catch

He’s educated, spiritual and cerebral.  He’s the epitome of masculinity (however relative a term that is).  He’s damn near perfect.  He likes to cook.  He’s good with a hammer. He’ll take the garbage out and he’s no slob.  He knows how to treat a woman.  He knows  how to sweep a girl off her feet and even the old ladies are enamored with him.   So what is he doing with me?   I can count so many wonderful traits that he possess and yet I can’t count one that I possess.   What’s wrong with this picture?   What’s wrong with me?   I’ve been doing so much soul searching and I’ve been praying to God for a change to come.  But I don’t see it happening.   How can I want someone like this and yet not be ready for him?

Concession

I believe God hears all prayer and all concession.  This morning I prayed for a word that I might impart to my grieving mother.   She’s steeped in depression and confusion over the loss of her son and because of it she’s given herself over to anger and resentment.  Currently there are some evil forces at work that would  seek to destroy us and what we have established as a family.   But I believe in the blood of Jesus.   The man who walked on water and by the hem of whose garment we are all healed.   I believe that if a man can sacrifice himself on the cross for the sins of the world past and present. That if he can bare all our pain our shame and our iniquity  then he can definitely fix what’s broken in us.  All we have to do is listen to his word  and as the scripture says:

Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation,

1 Peter 2:2.

I thank God for the blessings I have and am surrounded with and continue in the hope and belief that he will work it out.  

Terique and I have this unspoken book reading competition and so far he’s beating me.   Now I was going to take the time to read and catch up to him in our current series: Game of thrones.  But I would be hard-pressed to ingest the word of God.   herein lies the caveat; Where do I begin?   What book?   What chapter in the bible can I use for life application?

The Power Struggle

Maybe I’m giving him a lot more credit than he deserves.  I do believe that he has been a blessing to me.   But I’ve in a sense created a monster.  I’ve given him more control over my life than was necessary.  Ecclesiastes 4:12 says

12 Though one may be overpowered,
   two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

the cord of three strands being the metaphor for the man, the woman, and God.   At the center of it all we must all keep our focus on God and yet as humans, so many of us tend to lose sight of that when we get involved in a relationship.  The focus is shifted from God to our significant other.  Now I’m not saying that I believe one should forsake loving your husband or your wife.  But your husband/wife should not have the kind of control over you that our Father in heaven does.   It would be considered a form of idolatry to center your very existence on one person.

I feel that I’ve been doing exactly that.    I feel like I’m trying to make something work that isn’t supposed to work.  so now I’m left in a state of confusion. is it in God’s plan for me to be with this man?   I’m that missing rib.  But I don’t think he’s in need of a missing rib.   God help me to see this situation for what it really is.  not thru my eyes or anyone else’s but thru your eyes.   Help me to make the right decisions so that I may overcome these hurdles.   Maybe he’ll come around and maybe he won’t.  Maybe he’s not at that place in his life.   But please allow me to open my eyes.

Insurmountable Odds

My life’s brand new.  I’ve relocated to Florida and all prospects are daunting.  My Brother passed away on Friday June 17th.   Cause of Death is still unknown and pending further study.   There looms, so much uncertainty in our lives, that our faith in God has been tested.    I ponder the outcome of all these steps we’ve taken.  My Mom needs to obtain legal guardianship of my nephew.   My brother’s funeral expenses have left us destitute and I am currently out of  a job.   I left what was once my home and my job to relocate to a state in which, I know no one and have to rely on the kindness of strangers and perhaps family members to get by.   I am indeed humbled by my current circumstance but I know there’s  a reason why God sent me here.   It’s just taking me a long time to understand it.   I’m swamped by confusion at this point and I hate not knowing what’s going to come next.  But these past few weeks have taught me some invaluable lessons.   Cliche as they may sound.   Tomorrow is promised to no-one.   So love and appreciate the individuals in your life whom God has blessed you with and use your time here on earth with them wisely.

It feels so unreal. Friday night was my nightmare. It’s still my nightmare. it’s funny how when someone dies we just can’t believe it. It’s like we get infuriated when they don’t answer. I keep playing the scene over and over in my head and I just know tonight, I’m gonna wake up in cold sweats screaming my brother’s name. willing him to wake up, willing him to open that door. I want my brother back. Dear God I want him back. Give him back to me. Please I implore you give him back. How dear you leave your little sister all alone to fend for herself. Did you think of me when you passed on? Did you think of how it would affect me? And what of your Mother? Do you know how this breaks her heart? There is a niggling feeling that I’ve failed you somehow Bobby. That I should’ve took the time out to show you I cared and that I loved you and still love you. I hope that wherever you are God is taking care of you. That you’re up there with Norda and re-living old times. Maybe one day I’ll meet you soon. I love you brother and don’t you ever forget it. I’m so sorry for all the brash things I’ve said and how I’ve treated you in the past. I’m hoping you can forgive me