Until yesterday, I had this lazy coworker. He needed pushing and prodding to do everything. When you brought a matter to his attention, he would spend more time arguing about it than he would doing it. From my perspective, we carried his weight. He just didn’t have the interest in completing tasks properly or even starting them. I wanted to build my team. He wanted to laze about. My biggest issue was not with him, however. It was with myself and my treatment of him. I tried to help l but I also hated his attitude and it was evident. So when he quit yesterday, even though I knew it would leave us in a lurch, I was mildly relieved. I see things changing for the better but I also see hardships on the horizon and I wonder if my celebration wasn’t a bit premature. I feel guilty about it as well because I want to know what I could have done to improve things. What could I have done to give him some perspective on the situation?
I am a Christian. I know my conduct at times does not seem so. But at my core, I believe in the miraculous and wonder working power of Jesus. There are so many things I need to change about myself. Still I find it harder and harder each day. I want to mature spiritually. I want to grow. I want to think less about myself and more about others. 
Troubleshooting & Psychology
I’d promised myself not to talk shop on this blog. After all it’s more about my life choices than it is about my professional gripes. However, I work in an extremely underrated profession. Sure I’m not saving lives and sure none of what I do puts criminals behind bars ( well not exactly). But what I do, greases the wheels of every infrastructure. If it wasn’t for information technology or advances in information technology, tell me where would we be? Yet for all it’s worth, it’s the most under-appreciated profession in the world. People only call you when something is wrong or haywire. Mostly, you become a receptacle for angst and stress. A scapegoat if you will. What you encounter daily are laymen who believe they know more than you about how to do your job, yet are completely reliant on you to keep them up and running. You are their bread and butter , but let them tell it, they don’t need you. They chuck problems at you and either micromanage and restrict you every step of the way or they walk away from it and become unresponsive. Both of which result in an unhealthy tech to end user relationship. This often develops chasms in communication and prevents issues from being resolved in a timely manner. The latter is what I’m facing today. I have a user who claims an issue is of dire importance but doesn’t answer calls or emails when you reach out to her for information. She doesn’t realize her responsibility in achieving a permanent resolution on the issue. She is not owning her part In this. This handicaps progress. I don’t expect her to fix the issue herself. But I do expect her to be more forthcoming with information that might help to resolve the issue. Think of it as a doctors visit. Your doctor won’t know what to look for if you aren’t giving him information. How do you expect to recover?
Spy-Der Cam
Bastard makes webs everywhere
On the subject of ….
Pedophilia. I’ve met a lot of women in my lifetime who were assaulted or molested by an older man at some point in their teens. Society thinks it doesn’t happen, because no one talks about it. But half of these women were lesbians or promiscuous. Consequently, I think the molestation impacted their interactions with men in adult life. And I think this way because, I at some point in my life, dated the same sex.
The feminine touch didn’t feel as dirty or cringe-worthy. In the same vein, a man’s touch would make me flinch. I realize this has nothing at all to do with my sexuality. I wasn’t dating women for love (though I had the capacity to love them). Lesbian relationships just gave me a safer space. You see, I have this idiosyncrasy.
I recoil each time a man reaches for me or I ball my fists up because if he touches me, I just know I’m gonna haul off and punch him. I can’t have that level of intimacy with a man without feeling like I want to scrub my skin off. Because of this, I’m inclined to think being gay has nothing at all to do with sexual preference, and everything to do with feeling violated.
It occurred to me — a few years into my thirties — I wasn’t gay. I was just all kinds of fucked up. Well, I am– all kinds of fucked up. I was that little girl who was violated time and again. I can’t have normal adult conversations about sex and I live vicariously through movies like 40 year old Virgin, and Grown Ups because I envy those adult situations.
Monday
I can’t wait to start my new position. No more stupid questions from people who are supposed to be technicians. Some days I feel like I’ve died and gone to hell. Like I’m destined to have people who should be fully qualified to do their job ask me how to do it. I may as well be a college professor.
Hopeless romantic
We stole looks in the elevator and we’d leave it there. He really was Hope’s boyfriend and as attracted as I was to him, and him to me, I would never cross that line. 2 years later I met him (sans Hope). We went back to his place. We fucked. I tried to sneak out. He caught me. Lol I never saw him again. I guess my curiosity was sated. There was something so powerful about sex on my own terms.
It’s so cute the way they take care of each other. I know I’ll never have that for myself but I live vicariously through them. Will they have kinks to work out ? Most definitely. Doesn’t everyone though? I have never seen my brother so happy or attentive with anyone. So I’m here, and secretly cheering for him. They fuss at each other like an old couple who’s put up with each other’s shenanigans for twenty years. It’s amazing to watch. I don’t regret not having that for myself. So don’t feel sorry for me. I am living my best life. I have never really wanted that for myself. But I like the happiness on their faces. And the sheer fact that I cannot survive a relationship like that is what amazes me about bones and his fiancé. All the endless possibilities
New Year New…
Figured I’d start over here. I’m up tonight. Or rather, this morning. Mulling over my life. Still unsure where I’m headed.
