I remember my bro coming into my room one night. overly emotional he was. He was crying. he was drunk but a drunk mind speaks a sober heart ( or at least I think that’s how the proverb goes). Needless to say my brother battles his own demons. and right at that moment I wasn’t sure how to help him fight his battle since I was losing my own. But that was then and this is now and there is nothing like the Blood of Jesus to pull you through sporadic bouts of depression. I believe God has a plan for me and I believe he has one for my brother. And while there are yet the atypical Goals I’d like to see come to pass as a Young Jamerican thirtysomething, I’ve realized an even deeper focus. I realized that I’d like everything in my life to work out to God’s glory. Now that I’ve said that out loud to myself, I feel like this great big burden’s been lifted. Because while I was yet focusing on the cross and fulfilling God’s will in my life, He was working inconspicuously in the background to help me achieve my own dreams which I’ve since put on the back burner. I got this letter in the mail informing me that the law suit – dredged up from an auto-accident 4 years ago – is no more…. Can you imagine what it feels like to struggle with unemployment or low paying jobs trying to stay afloat financially then to be served by a marshall because it’s a recession and wow “my back pain is kicking in so let me sue Meshia for some money she doesn’t have” . Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. I actually find it quite comical. But just contemplating the circumstances surrounding this particular situation i was sure to have a brain aneurysm by now. But God works in awe-inspiring mysterious ways and while I was trying to add another day to my life by fretting, He was pulling some strings. so what can I say except Thank You Jesus. I will look to the hills from whence cometh my help.
This weeks Literary Jewel:
After a long discussion with Terique last week and part of today, it occurred to me (God I’m so obtuse) that God has been trying to get my attention. Have you ever felt totally frustrated about your situation? Perhaps you thought your circumstances were unfair. Like your co-worker showing up for work when he feels like it and your having to bear the onus of the workload. Insignificant as it may seem. It’s all a part of God’s plan for us. I’ve been moaning and groaning about my circumstance for so long that I failed to consult God for his wise instruction. Immediate resolution; make snide remarks and comments until they either reprimand me for the little snipes or fire me. Ultimate resolution; pray about it and study the word. I finally selected the latter. And Ephesians 6:5 – 8 says :
“5 Bondservants, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in sincerity of heart, as to Christ; 6 not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, 7with goodwill doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men, 8knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free.”
Lets dissect this passage shall we:
“not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers…” Abe Lincoln summed it up best when he said: “you can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time”
Your goal should be to do what’s pleasing in God’s sight. And in my honest opinion — as corroborated by the bible– It is best to apply diligence in all situations. thereby manifesting God’s work in your life. Isn’t that what our ultimate focus should be? Because though your hard work may go un-noticed by your employer or management. God is taking careful notice. At the end of the day, you are a reflection of your Father in Heaven.
good morning, readers, if there are any. maybe there aren’t. nevertheless, this was created for my own therapeutic needs.
Yesterday was my coming out day. I came out of the spiritual closet. I need to show God that I love him and I know that I haven’t been living as a spiritual being. I’ve garnered such distrust for people that it is quite hard for me to show God’s love to others. But as I was reading Hebrews 13:1, It really hit home that I should show my fellow man love just as God has shown love to me. I should have no excuses because as imperfect as I am God still chooses to work in my life. And I have realized that I cannot function or live without God in my life. I don’t know how you do it but for me it’s been tough trying to go it alone. So in parting I leave you with Phillipians 4: 8
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Every time I say, “i love football” , i get “name 3 offensive linemen on this team”. why do I need to know stats and names socials and date of births? Why can’t I just like the game? Have you ever asked me why I like the game? Or do you assume I say I like it so I can have something to talk about Yes I’m a pats fan but it’s not for the ride on the bandwagon. I started watching football (or shall we say learning about football) in an era where teams played with heart. I liked other teams too. I liked the Steelers, the Colts the Ravens the Falcons and the Panthers. Still like those teams. not coz i enjoy riding the bandwagon. I like an exciting game. I like to see both teams sweat it out and tough it out. I like seeing hard work pay off. And even if they don’t win, I know I’m guaranteed a good heartfelt knock down drag em out game. Why do you like the game? I like football because it’s not a “one-man” sport. It’s a cohesive unit working hard to achieve a goal. Not coz it’s a paycheck but it’s what they love and they excel at it. So how does that make me a fake sport fan? Because I don’t know how many touchdowns Donovan Mcnab scored in his first NFL game doesn’t make me any less a fan that you or anyone else. Why I love it? Because it’s the only sport where on any given Sunday you can see a wide receiver run 7 yards down the middle breaking 11 tackles just to make it to that end zone. Or you can see Marvin Harrison trip. ball in hand get up evade 7 or 8 broncos n run 20 yards for a touchdown Now tell me that’s not symmetry and that’s not poetry in motion!! Not just coz of talent but just God Given heart. It just represents the kind of “heart” we should apply in our own lives. Now tell me why wouldn’t I like football?
I’m not even gonna lie. I’ve been an irresponsible cad for the last decade or so. But here’s what makes God such an awesome God;
He’s there even when you’re not. Even when our own inconsistencies seem to get the Best of us God is unchanging. He will never back down from his promises to us. That alone makes him awesome and worthy of praise. There is no mere human on this planet that can match our God in how he so effortlessly cares for his children even when we’ve done so much to disappoint him. . Now i know the last entry I wrote, I was lost in translation. My life has been hectic as of late and not without due cause. My mistakes are catching up to me. My Crazy temper, My lackadaisical attitude towards the things that matter the most. Grandma passed away In January and so my regrets come back to haunt me. Everything that has happened to me this year has been an eye opener to how much I need to change. And Yes I have been praying. Praying for God to make me a different person. Praying for him to help me assuage this rage. I’ve missed out on so many of the enjoyable aspects of life simply because I always chose to focus on the wrong things. I forgot how happy I used to be when I was attending church, when I was believing in God ( I’ll admit I stopped). Maybe it happened when My Aunt died. Maybe I did blame God for her passing. Maybe that was my first unanswered prayer. And maybe I needed to face that feeling. That lost feeling. I remember feeling like somehow this was all my fault. Like my wrongdoings led to her demise. I listened to the Yolanda Adams morning show one day and I remember her talking about how we often blame God for the mishaps in our lives and how that often shapes our perspective and impacts our relationship with God. And I think that maybe that’s what happened to me. No, it’s not my scapegoat. But it’s good that I recognize it so that I can address it. I’ll admit I thought God had stopped listening to my prayers. I thought maybe my prayers were blocked. So I stopped praying and started believing the worst in people. Started thinking negatively and yes I started losing faith. Because of that I was steeped in depression and despair. I’m not sure how or when it happened but one day I woke up and I got tired of living my life like this. Got tired of feeling so lost and alone. I went back to church. I started praying to God. I started asking for forgiveness. I started asking him to heal me. I started asking him to make me a better person so that I could shine a light and let the world know , There is a God. So I’ve been taking a leap of faith in praying. In praying and hoping earnestly beyond all belief that God has been listening to me. And so as it stands i find out today that he has. Without going into much detail, I have this on-going court case in which, I’m the defendant who’s being sued (traffic accident). And I know for the most part that I was wrong. But I also know that there were no damages to the plaintiff’s vehicle.
That’ would be her car. But even before I emailed this picture to my Lawyer, I called his office to find out that the plaintiff has dropped the suit. I have been praying and praying and praying to God for a way out of this and He has answered my prayers. I know i don’t deserve it. I know that I’m imperfect and that I have so many things to work on. But even knowing this, He still answers my prayer. There is no way you can tell me that my God is not an Awesome all-powerful Omniscient God.
I’ve died and gone to SPIKETV hell!!!
spent the day listening to guys argue about which was better:
charcoal or gas grill?
why does it matter?
Reading this book, really put things into perspective for me…. And no amount of million dollar words or diction can really cover up my flaws. I can’t seem to shed this Elitist mentality that’s turned me into a misanthrope. How can I love God and loathe his creation? Maybe we react differently to our experiences based on our environment and upbringing. And Perhaps, maybe our upbringing (in some cases, lack thereof) is what helps to nurture the most admirable qualities in us. It occurred to me –as i was ranting on my soapbox for the umpteenth time yesterday– that I really have no idea what life is like in the next man’s shoes. I just know that I spent my childhood not wanting to become this person. This backwards Galatea. I spent so much time resenting my Father because i feared I would become him that in the process that’s what I became. I got caught up passing judgment. I am that person I hate the most… I am that preachy “lonely boy” (see gossip girl). I know that he is now trying to make up for lost time and trying to make his changes gradually. But what I’ve learned, is that holding grudges can be detrimental to ones psyche. It turns you into this cold bitter mollusk of your past self. 31 and who am I? Incapable of love? If you asked me to write a bio about myself, I wouldn’t know where to begin.
when I die, i don’t want to be remembered for my temperament.
every Sunday I think is going to be my last day. Because each Sunday, I have this ear-splitting migraine that won’t let up. It’s usually accompanied by nausea and your typical hot flash. And I always ask God to let me live through it. But if i keep playing my cards wrong – and I have been – I won’t live through another Sunday. Morbid huh? well I’m a dark person. I wear black against a sea of colors. Like I’ve been in mourning all my life.
guitars strummin in the background
thoughts hummin in my foreground
I’d like to spend the day at home to reflect.
Maybe I am too egotistical and maybe I’ think too much about myself. but if I don’t, then who’s gonna think about me?
Still holding strong to my faith while my dark side engulfs me in flames. It’s hard and I need a break. I want a simple life but I’m not a simple girl. I want normalcy but I’m not normal. I don’t know how to be normal. then again…What’s Normal?
Is it just a matter of opinion?