Tunnel Vision

One of the most frustrating aspects of my daily routine  is working at a bank cow-towing to overly priviledged customers who have the nerve to call in with conniption fits because they don’t know how to use the automated phone system.  Of  all the things to harangue about?  You would call to complain because you have to enter account numbers in order to make your transfers.   Doesn’t that seem a little petty?   And maybe keeping $90,000 in our bank to build interest warranted him the right to moan and carryon.   But how does he sleep at night, knowing that out there, someone’s digging thru garbage looking for their next meal?   That out there someone’s on the verge of a mental breakdown because their house is on foreclosure and they have nowhere to go.   Living in a world engorged in darkness has ironically shed light on the burgeoning ethical decline of our society.   Remember when people cared a little more?  Remember when we were a little less selfish?  We’ve gotten so cocky and arrogant with our advances in technology and medicine that we  have all but become a Godless society.    I can’t say I know when this began or where. But I took notice over the last decade.   I noticed that crimes were becoming more sadistic and I noticed that we’ve even been justifying things we would never have thought to justify 20 years ago.   I used to bury my head in my books or my internet games so that I’d remain oblivious to it all.   But It weighed heavy upon my heart.  It still weighs heavy upon my heart.   But the up side or the turnabout came for me when I found my way back to Jesus.   He was/is (and I know this sounds a bit fanatical) the light at the end of my tunnel.    I was depressed and locked myself away in my home outside of going to work and I cut off mostly all contact with the outside world because I felt our circumstances were dire and virtually hopeless.   But thru all that, I found a lifeline to God.   Genesis 1:2-3 says: 

 2 Now the earth was [a] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

 3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

 Do you see that?  How awesome is our God that even in the depths of despair he can utter 4 words and bring about the start of creation and the end to all darkness.    That’s what God has done with my life.  He looked at me and said ” Let there be Light” and there actually was light and there were actually better days and I knew that even though I was surrounded  by all this darkness that God was still here reminding me that there was always something to look forward to.   I’d intended to turn this post into a rant and rave about some of the mundane aspects of my existence but I cannot help but be happy and content that I can find my strength in Jesus.   What would I do without him?   I would be miserable as I had been for the last 10 to 15 years.   As daunting as my present trials may seem,  I have God and God trumps it all.    🙂 ….. tootles folks .  I’m off to wally world to buy bed linen.

Sexual Immorality

I have felt as if I had been defiling my body over the last few years.   I wasn’t quite sure how until I read the following scripture and was convicted once again.

 

 

Romans 1:24-28 (New International Version)

24Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

28Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done.

 

 

So what got me here today was, I would say, a call from the Holy Spirit. A little voice within me that reminded me what I was doing was wrong.  I believe the scripture speaks about my acts of homosexuality.  But not just that, it also talks about all matters of fornication and sexual depravity.  I thought If I convinced myself that the lust I experienced was in actuality pure and unadulterated love, that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. 

But that was just the little devil on my shoulder talking.   Making me justify my own wrongdoings with what I thought was insight.   Truly I was foolish.  There was this part of me begging to find it’s way back to God.   I truly wanted and needed God but I was so caught up in the flesh that I had chosen to put God on the back burner.   Everyday I’d say  “Not now Jesus”.     But now, I’m appalled at my actions.  I am humbled by God because I know that his forgiveness of my sin was thru His grace.    I find it amazing that God can be so merciful as to forgive a sinner like me of all my wrong doings, knowing full well that I did not and do not deserve it.  It’s like we struggle each day to exercise faith in God yet he seems to invest more in us that we do him. I’ll admit that this walk is anything but easy.  But I’m in a better place now than I was last year or the year before that.   I feel like I am walking in the light of Jesus and that he truly has a plan for me.  I pray each day that I do not fail him.  

 

Fostering great work habits

In keeping with our last discussion – well my soliloquy—about my need for a complete overhaul,  I have realized that nothing can be done without God’s help.   There are some major changes I would like to make to my personality.   Of late, I’ve been struggling with an extreme lack of patience when it comes to the work I do.  To be honest I don’t quite view my Job as a career choice.  It was always just something to do to pay the bills and to keep food on the table.  So with that in mind, I’d spent many an unhappy day at work dreading the next phone call, or the next time the supervisor with the flaming red short hair and chubby features would waddle over to my desk to complain about something else.   Notwithstanding, I realized that my approach to work was quite lackluster.   I was half questioning myself  “why do I come here?” and half wanting to just walk out.    In short I’d been feeling like a peon.  But since, I’ve made this rededication to God and since I’ve been working on changing my mindset and personality, it has just occurred to me that God wants us to do our best at all tasks we are assigned and not with a heavy heart.   I think maybe I’d been taking certain things for granted; like the fact that I’m gainfully employed during a recession.   Perhaps maybe there’s no job security with this position.  But at least for the time being it’s what keeps me afloat and it seems as if I’ve missed that very large detail.   But on the up side of things I see God working his wonders in my life starting with the bad habits I’d developed:

  • Not showing up for work Late anymore
  • Handling customer calls in a more courteous manner.
  • exhibiting a little more patience in instances where I would typically  have gone over the deep end.

In all my frustration with God, I’d thought that maybe my changes were too slow in coming.  But after much prayer and meditation.  God spoke to me letting me know that he’s heard my pleas and he is working

with me to make the changes I need in order to become  a better servant.  Pride is still one of the obstacles, I am trying to overcome.  But I know that God will create in me a clean heart and a renewed steadfast spirit  (Psalms 51:10).  For that  I am grateful.

My Calling?

sometimes I look at my life and compare it to others and somehow the grass is always greener.  somehow they accomplish things so much easier than I do.  I seem to fail at the simplest of obstacles and everyday requires motivation for me to get up and get back on that hamster’s wheel.  this has been my issue for the past frew years.  My defeatist mentality.  But now that I think about it , I just really need to continue trusting in God and continue making the changes I need to make in life.   I realize that I’m in need of a complete overhaul.  Not just a spiritual overhaul, but I’d say a physical one.  I need to perhaps manage my money and my bills better and secondly (well when you caught the spiritual overhaul it’s really thirdly) my health.   I figured if maybe I list the things I need to change, I’ll probably be better able to manage my life.  

For weeks now I’d been asking God for my calling.  Asking him what it was he needed me to to do and on Sunday he answered my prayers.   I’ve been double-dipping between 2 churches of late.  (see I haven’t found a church home as yet).  There is one church in which the members are few but very warm and welcoming.  Then one in which the members are many but kind of cliquish.    Here’s a list of pro’s and con’s for Church #1.

Church #1
Pros
  • Lively  Service
  • Great Choir
  • Very Inspirational
Cons
  • Not room for much to be done by ordinary members.
  • Leadership has penchant for ignoring you unless you're related to one of them
  • I've been to about 5 of their services and have yet to hear the the Pastor invite people to accept Christ as their Savior

 

Church #2
Pros
  • Very Sociable People
  • Leadership down to earth and approachable
  • more geared towards bringing souls to Christ.
  • Always in need of volunteers from the congregation so it gives one the chance to become a part of something.
Cons
  • Very few members (church had a lot at some point but rumor has it, a family scandal pushed members away from the church)
  • Choir is not the best

So God’s been putting it in my head that If I started attending church #2 that I could do a  lot of good there.  I mean I’m far from a preacher or anything like that, but I know I should have some useful skills that would help in boosting membership.  I will be checking out Church#2 this weekend once again.  The first service I went to wasn’t too impressive but that could possibly be because they had a new preacher (I mean a fresh out of Seminary rookie) who kept stumbling over his words.  I know he meant well.  I just get the feeling that they all mean well and have set out to do the Lord’s work.  I just believe they need a helping hand.   Far be it for me to assume the responsibility but I’ve always been a sucker for the underdog and God has impressed it upon me long enough to know it’s not a fluke.     The question  is, where do I start?

The Wages of Sin

Romans 8:6 (New International Version)

6The mind of sinful man[a] is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;

Having spent many years in search of fulfillment, I’ve finally grown to understand the meaning of this verse.   You see when I was without God, I was empty inside looking to fill the void.  I  spent many days depressed and in mourning not knowing wat it was exactly that I was mourning.  Even when I chased after the momentary pleasures of the flesh, there was still this void that needed to be filled.   My soul was still in turmoil.   I was never happy.  I was always miserable.  I always felt as if I were alone in my own personal hell.  I was never satisfied.  And then I found my way back to Jesus and I found true happiness and true purpose.   So I’m now able to break this verse down.   The death that Paul speaks about in Romans is that void we spend our lives trying to fill.   It’s not just a literal death but a figurative one.   We are nothing  more than mollusks roaming the earth until we choose to believe in God’s plan for us.  Until we choose to believe that God sent his only son to cover us in grace by being the propitiation for our sins. 

 9You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. 10But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

The life that the Spirit bestows upon you is none other than the feeling of joy and completion in knowing that the Lord is with you every step of the way.  Guiding your footsteps and allowing you to come out of the muck and mire.   It is the ultimate high.  It is what we’ve spent the majority of our lives trying to find on our own terms.  and would you believe, that had it not been for Jesus laying down his life for our sins we would never know the joy of God?  It is amazing how his grace covers us after all the wrongs we have done.   For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

My dilemma;  I’ve always approached things with a lot of  attitude and pride.  It’s my defense mechanism when I don’t want to be rejected or scoffed at.  It’s been set in place ever since I was a young girl.  I remember a day when I was a child that I’d got up to share a testimony at church.  I was maybe 9 or 10 years old.  Mom and Liz had been fighting a lot and Liz had left the house.   I remember praying “Dear God, please bring my sister back. Please send her home”.  A few months later she was home.  As I’m writing this, I am fighting back the tears.   It was so simple a request but it meant the world to me that God had answered my prayers back then.  I didn’t even really know how to pray; I mean not the same way my Grandmother prayed.  But God had answered my prayers.  That’s when I knew God loved me.   That’s when I knew God loved and still Loves all his children.   It’s when I knew that God did not discriminate.   So I got up in church that Sunday and I shared my testimony.   Elated, that God took the time out to hear one little girl’s prayer.   I mean after  all that, who needs Santa Claus?

 

Anyway after church let out, I went to meet up with the Miller kids.   See they were a family in my Grandmothers neighborhood who were pretty well -known and faithfully attended church every Sunday and even on some weekdays.  I kind of looked up to them because they were (in my eyes) such devout Christians.   But when the  whispers started and the snickering began that Sunday after church, I was made to feel like the world’s biggest fool.    It made me feel like maybe they thought I didn’t deserve to have God answer my prayers.  Like maybe they thought I was wasting God’s time with trivial requests.   I mean these kids were “prayer warriors”  and I was the daughter of a woman who worked nights @ a night club in New Kingston.  But ever since then I’d developed a knack for making my self unapproachable.   Saying that I was/am aloof would be an understatement. 

 

No one really knows how to take me because they’re not sure if I’ll snap their heads off or ignore them.   But it’s become the thorn in my side because now I’m at a point in my life where I have to relearn how to treat people.  

 

But now I need more than ever to be able to sit down with someone and spill my guts.  I need to be able to spill the beans about what I’m feeling in my heart and where I need my life to go.   I’ll admit I need Christian counseling and guidance but I simply haven’t got the heart to ask for it without sounding downright demanding.  I’ve spent the better part of the last 2 years trying to make it so no one would talk to me or even approach me for friendship or otherwise.   I’ve kept my emotions and my feelings under lock and key for so long that I think the lock’s rusted shut. But I know that I need guidance and I know that I need someone who is  passionate about Serving God to point me in the right direction  to help me with my bible study and to be my confidante.    But I don’t even know where to start,  Maybe I should start with Church on Sunday and see where the day takes me. 

The Chicken? or The Egg?

Genesis 1:1-26 (New International Version)

Genesis 1
The Beginning

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

2 Now the earth was [a] formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

6 And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." 7 So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. 8 God called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.

9 And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. 10 God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.

14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. 16 God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.

20 And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." 21 So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 22 God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth." 23And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.

24 And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. 25 God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.

26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, [b] and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

Here I was reading this scripture  again.  it’s been about 20 years since I last read it.  I remember not quite understanding everything it meant.  Especially the part that says “according to their kind”.  To expound upon that statement I believe God intended for each creature and living thing to procreate , spawning replicas of the first.  So when you think about it, you also have to think about whose image or “kind” we were created in.  Verse 26 goes on to describe how we were made in God’s image.  I find it amazing that  God thought that much of us to create us in his Image.  Not the image of a cow or hen but in God’s Image. Our truly omnipotent alpha and omega thought enough of man to make him into his likeness. In a nutshell we are his namesakes.    Yet this is something we take for granted each day.   We are so haughty and puffed up that if it were up to us we would discredit God and  credit ourselves for our own existence.  It saddens me that we live in a world where there is no more room for God in our hearts and minds,in our homes in our careers.   We have spent pretty much the majority of our time weaning ourselves into Demigods and excluding God from our lives when he is due all the Glory and praise.   Imagine  how great the world would be if in fact we were to live our lives as Christ did.    I have spent a good majority of my adult life looking for happiness and fulfillment in all the wrong places.  Innately I believed that If i were to meet a certain objective, I would feel fulfilled.  The bible says “lean not unto thine own understanding” .  But I spent almost every waking hour trying to compartmentalize all aspects of my life.  Beit my love life or my friendships , I had to be in charge.   I had to have the upper hand.  I wanted this girl to love me or that guy to love me so I could feel whole again. And when they did love me or when they did show me love,  I still felt empty on the inside.   I still felt like something was missing.  I never truly found happiness until I found my way back to Jesus.  That in and of itself is proof positive that living my life for Jesus is meant to be a part of my divine make-up.   I was made in his image, therefore I must act accordingly.  

Count Your Blessings

I’ve made it my business to count my blessings.  So I’d like to share with you one of the primary headaches I’ve dealt with over the past few months.  I’ve fallen victim to some harsh circumstance of late and each day that I make my way to work or whatever prospective destination it dawns on me that any day now I could lose the few blessings that I do have.   There have been so many other people I’ve come across, who are down on their luck or going thru extremely rough times.  Yet here it is’ I’ve spent the last 10 years or so griping about what I don’t have.   I’d never really been satisfied because I chose at some point to exclude Jesus from my life and I’ve been on this quest to find happiness, only I was looking in all the wrong places.   What I failed to realize is that Jesus is my portion and though I may not see it, he has blessed me with so much more than I give him credit for.   So lately I’ve taken notice of things that I would usually be oblivious to; like the homeless man around the corner scrounging for food in the garbage or the foreclosure sign on the house next door.  The concept hasn’t escaped me that tomorrow that might be me on that corner digging thru the garbage or that any day now that could be my house with the foreclosure sign on it.     We spend so many hours of our days enveloped in our own 360 degrees, that we miss the big picture.   I vow never to lose myself like that ever again.

National Debt Contributors.

Now this is a road less traveled when it comes to posting blog entries.   However, I just felt I had to document it today because It is a blatant travesty that 48 yr old adults are much less adept at handling financial matters than some 20 yr olds.   As you may well know, I work for a bank and along came a true test of patience today.    The former (48 yr old) calls in about her account being severely overdrawn due in part to several overdraft fees assessed on the account.   These fees are a result of gross negligence.  The woman started going overdrawn on 7/16/2010 and just never bothered to check her account balance in the ensuing 2 weeks.   Here it is, I had a 20 yr old girl call me 2 days prior asking to check her balance just to make sure she did not go over the amount available to her.  Not only was she checking her balance she was comparing it against her check registry.  20 yrs Old with a baby voice and already financially adept wherein this 48 yr old could’nt’ be bothered to even keep tabs on her account.  This was her reply to me when I asked her about checking her balance “I simply work too many hours in the day.  I do not have time”.  

I mean are we serious?  This is but an example of the idiocy i encounter on a daily basis.  It’s also a reason why my struggle is so difficult when it comes to having patience.     Please pray for me that I might overcome these vices.

Spiritual Improvement Checklist II

I guess this is something we should add to the  checklist:

 

Your First Name of: Meshia

 

  • Your name of Meshia has created a practical, responsible, stable nature, and you desire to direct the efforts of others rather than to take order or ask permission.
  • You have a determined, self-reliant, capable nature and resent any interference, although in your desire to help you are inclined to become involved in the lives and decisions of other people.
  • You like to make your own decisions and to be the master of your domain.
  • You feel a limitation in your own expression when it is necessary to reach another through tact and understanding.
  • Although the name Meshia creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it causes a blunt expression that alienates others.
  • This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses through worry, mental tension, and tension or accidents to the head.