The man that knows something…

knows that he knows nothing at all.   I’ve made it my business to record all my life’s lessons from here on out.   That way I can refer back to this blog when I’m in a difficult situation.   These aren’t just life lessons but lessons taught to us by the Holy Spirit.   So today I was reading ODB and there were some verses quoted from the Beatitudes. 

Matthew 5:1-12 (New International Version)
1Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying:
3″Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11″Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

How I applied it to my life can be summed up in the title and first sentence of this post. It is my belief that one should take a humble approach to all things and there is where the most knowledge is gained. And it isn’t just knowledge to be gained. But a growth in character.
Like the passage said in ODB:  

People who are rich, successful, and beautiful may go through life relying on their natural gifts. But people who are needy, dependent, and dissatisfied with life are more likely to welcome God’s free gift of love.

Doing away with the Isms.

if given to our own predilections, we tend to “pull rank” more often than not. I too am guilty of harboring an elitist mentality. maybe because It’s my way of being comfortable with self. But there is one thing that I need to be reminded of; and that is we are all here to serve a divine purpose. It hasn’t so much to do with our own wills and objectives. But it has to do with the will of our Father in heaven. We may not all be at the same level of learning in life. Our learning curves may differ. However, it does not make one lesser than the other. Because we are all meant to work together as a whole. The Body of Christ

Romans 12:2-10 (New International Version)
2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[a]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Love
9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Faith

I have been praying for Forgiveness for oh so long. I could not for the life of me Fathom how God could forgive me for my multitude of sins. Sometimes i’d think my sins were so numerous that i’d be twice removed from his grace. Then today I was referred to this verse as i was reading the back of this book and it brought tears to my eyes reminding me that God’s mercy is nothing like ours and that he has the capacity to forgive us of our sins and wrong doings if we are truly contrite.

Psalm 103 (New International Version)

Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

I kept reading this book and he kept answering my questions and renewing my faith in him. Every single question I had in my heart he answered and that just let me know that I was not alone.

I want so much for my life to mean something.  I’ve been taking baby-albeit minuscule- steps to achieving that end.  I’m so lost and so confused that I don’t know where to begin.  Well i have some idea but still therein lies that control freak issue.   One thing the bible has taught me is that “we walk by faith and not by sight”. And if I am to begin this new life or turn over a new leaf, then a prerequisite of that is my having faith and knowing that God will lead me in the right direction.  But I’ve messed up so much in my life that I have to ask myself if God even hears me beneath the multitude of sins.    Here I’ve been walking around all holier-than-thou for the past 10 years  knowing full well my  roses really smell like (in the words of Andre 3000)  boo-boo.    I am humbled and left in a precarious position. In need – for once in my life—of leadership

it really wasn’t that long ago

she died in 2003. 

sometimes I miss her.  I really miss her.   Like the times when I’m confused and I don’t know what to do.  I wish she was here to show me what to do or to tell me what she would do.  But she isn’t .  And I remember all the good shit she used to do .  I remember the kind of person she was and I’ve tried to pattern my life after her but so far it’s been an epic fail.   every time I falter, I want to know where I went wrong.  But she’s not here to answer me or tell me and that’s what hurts the most.   Maybe I’m being selfish because I can’t let her go..  Maybe I just feel like she has unfinished business to tend to. But who am I to make that decision?   I should’ve used the time wisely when she was here.  But I thought she was always going to be here.  Who knew she would leave me? 

Unthinkable

He told me to do what Drake said in the previous post….

I guess it means we’re separated. or maybe he broke up with me but wanted to be all pc about it. I just told him when we had our argument “if you wanna dump me. just say it”. He never did say that. But he thinks I should take a week – a vaycay if you will – to see if with him is where I want to be. So to end it all this is what he told me

Moment of honesty
Someones gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I’m gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say
You should say it right now

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I think I deserve it
Its becoming something that’s impossible to ignore
And I can’t take it
I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us so crazy
If you ask me I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready
If you ask me I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready

I know you said to me
“This is exactly how it should feel when its meant to be”
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually
If we gonna do something about it
We should do it right now

In triplicate

they say everything happens in threes right.

 

Well my cousin died.  I’m not sure of the time of death.  I got a phone call at about 10 am in the morning.  Ally’s dead.  They say it’s poison. . …

She went to the doctor grabbin her gut.  He gave her meds.  2 days later she’s in a coma laying on somebody’s hospital bed hooked up to tubes.  They intubate her.  Funnel these meds into her system.   The meds cause an adverse reaction to the meds already in her system.   She flat lines.  My cousin dies at 21.  She’d been in that coma since Monday.   It’s too late to place blame  but,  where was her Mom to tell the doc’s she already had meds in her?  What happened to doctor’s doing blood work before they medicated the  patient?

Needless to say Ally’s dead.

Aunt Inel’s Dead.

who’s next?

 

I’m waitin for the other shoe to drop

Summer Romance


you are forcing the issue between us.  I feel as though we are drifting apart and that we are very much the cliff analogy I described to you  earlier.  you say that your focus is only on me but there are times when we have conversations in which you just drift off elsewhere. You zone out.  your mind is never with me.  I cannot keep your attention gunz and at this point I feel myself going thru the motions knowing that at some point our relationship will run its course.  Your statements and you’re averring to love me and only me, sound like words said to assuage your troubled mind.  I need you to be 100% honest with yourself and picture your life with me as the only woman you love or are in love with.   A little in depth soul-searching would double my respect for you.   I’m not asking for your hand in marriage.  I just guess I’m asking for a one-woman man.  If that’s so hard to believe.   Are you a  “one-woman” man ? 

I know you probably ask why i’m still here.  But i guess that would be because I love you.  I’ve never let myself endure so much hurt and pain and disappointment.  Now I’m not saying that you’re altogether bad. On the contrary.  I feel as though you have the best of intentions.  I just believe that what you need and what you want differ exponentially.  You may need me but you don’t want me.  I am not the Galatea you pictured in your mind’s eye.

so as it turns out meesh had to eat her words along with a nice helping of humble pie.   The girl is not his sidechick.  Never really was.  She was/is someone who fell in love with him because he is just a great person.   Paradox much?  

Let me fill you in on the details.  Because i’ve been expounding on  the bad and the ugly, but not the good.  He’s an overall great guy.  It took me a while to understand that.  He doesn’t do these things for the ego-boost but simply because if it came down to it,  he’d give you the shirt off his back.  And it doesn’t matter how fucked up you are toward him, he has a forgiving heart.   

A concept that is somewhat alien to me.   I have no excuse for why it’s such an alien concept.  All that I can say Is… I’m a work in progress.   But having finally understood his plight via this weekend’s last outburst.   I realized 2 truths:

 

#1  He reallly really really reallly loves me.

#2 He’s not into her the way that I thought.  

perhaps he keeps her around because … more to come later….

Men are from Mars

After centuries upon centuries of dissecting the male brain one determines there are no areas of grey.   The average human male only sees black or white (unless of course he’s a politician).  This is where the sexes differ.   Women are emotional creatures who therefore operate on that very basis.   Men are…. well for lack of a better term….. uni-cellular in their way of thinking.   They believe if you slap a Band-Aid on it  pre-Neosporin,  the cut is healed.  But there is so much that lies beneath the surface bubbling and broiling.   You can’t really throw a  blanket over it and pretend it’s not there.

My boyfriend (soon-to-be ex) decided he was going to patch up a friendship gone wrong between 2 females.  I guess he thought that if he had the women come together to talk that things would work themselves out.   I guess his ultimate goal was for them to apologize to each other and that’d be that.  But there’s no accounting for hurt feelings and damaged ego..   Simple “I’m sorries” just ain’t gonna cut it.  That’s my problem with him.   He thinks lip service will do the trick.   Doing and saying are vastly two different entities altogether.   Him saying “I’m sorry” and  doing the opposite doesn’t exactly speed the healing process.   You think because you made your side chick apologize to me that I’ll settle down and accept her in your life?   really?