I want so much for my life to mean something.  I’ve been taking baby-albeit minuscule- steps to achieving that end.  I’m so lost and so confused that I don’t know where to begin.  Well i have some idea but still therein lies that control freak issue.   One thing the bible has taught me is that “we walk by faith and not by sight”. And if I am to begin this new life or turn over a new leaf, then a prerequisite of that is my having faith and knowing that God will lead me in the right direction.  But I’ve messed up so much in my life that I have to ask myself if God even hears me beneath the multitude of sins.    Here I’ve been walking around all holier-than-thou for the past 10 years  knowing full well my  roses really smell like (in the words of Andre 3000)  boo-boo.    I am humbled and left in a precarious position. In need – for once in my life—of leadership

it really wasn’t that long ago

she died in 2003. 

sometimes I miss her.  I really miss her.   Like the times when I’m confused and I don’t know what to do.  I wish she was here to show me what to do or to tell me what she would do.  But she isn’t .  And I remember all the good shit she used to do .  I remember the kind of person she was and I’ve tried to pattern my life after her but so far it’s been an epic fail.   every time I falter, I want to know where I went wrong.  But she’s not here to answer me or tell me and that’s what hurts the most.   Maybe I’m being selfish because I can’t let her go..  Maybe I just feel like she has unfinished business to tend to. But who am I to make that decision?   I should’ve used the time wisely when she was here.  But I thought she was always going to be here.  Who knew she would leave me? 

Unthinkable

He told me to do what Drake said in the previous post….

I guess it means we’re separated. or maybe he broke up with me but wanted to be all pc about it. I just told him when we had our argument “if you wanna dump me. just say it”. He never did say that. But he thinks I should take a week – a vaycay if you will – to see if with him is where I want to be. So to end it all this is what he told me

Moment of honesty
Someones gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I’m gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say
You should say it right now

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I think I deserve it
Its becoming something that’s impossible to ignore
And I can’t take it
I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us so crazy
If you ask me I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready
If you ask me I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready

I know you said to me
“This is exactly how it should feel when its meant to be”
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually
If we gonna do something about it
We should do it right now

In triplicate

they say everything happens in threes right.

 

Well my cousin died.  I’m not sure of the time of death.  I got a phone call at about 10 am in the morning.  Ally’s dead.  They say it’s poison. . …

She went to the doctor grabbin her gut.  He gave her meds.  2 days later she’s in a coma laying on somebody’s hospital bed hooked up to tubes.  They intubate her.  Funnel these meds into her system.   The meds cause an adverse reaction to the meds already in her system.   She flat lines.  My cousin dies at 21.  She’d been in that coma since Monday.   It’s too late to place blame  but,  where was her Mom to tell the doc’s she already had meds in her?  What happened to doctor’s doing blood work before they medicated the  patient?

Needless to say Ally’s dead.

Aunt Inel’s Dead.

who’s next?

 

I’m waitin for the other shoe to drop

Summer Romance


you are forcing the issue between us.  I feel as though we are drifting apart and that we are very much the cliff analogy I described to you  earlier.  you say that your focus is only on me but there are times when we have conversations in which you just drift off elsewhere. You zone out.  your mind is never with me.  I cannot keep your attention gunz and at this point I feel myself going thru the motions knowing that at some point our relationship will run its course.  Your statements and you’re averring to love me and only me, sound like words said to assuage your troubled mind.  I need you to be 100% honest with yourself and picture your life with me as the only woman you love or are in love with.   A little in depth soul-searching would double my respect for you.   I’m not asking for your hand in marriage.  I just guess I’m asking for a one-woman man.  If that’s so hard to believe.   Are you a  “one-woman” man ? 

I know you probably ask why i’m still here.  But i guess that would be because I love you.  I’ve never let myself endure so much hurt and pain and disappointment.  Now I’m not saying that you’re altogether bad. On the contrary.  I feel as though you have the best of intentions.  I just believe that what you need and what you want differ exponentially.  You may need me but you don’t want me.  I am not the Galatea you pictured in your mind’s eye.

so as it turns out meesh had to eat her words along with a nice helping of humble pie.   The girl is not his sidechick.  Never really was.  She was/is someone who fell in love with him because he is just a great person.   Paradox much?  

Let me fill you in on the details.  Because i’ve been expounding on  the bad and the ugly, but not the good.  He’s an overall great guy.  It took me a while to understand that.  He doesn’t do these things for the ego-boost but simply because if it came down to it,  he’d give you the shirt off his back.  And it doesn’t matter how fucked up you are toward him, he has a forgiving heart.   

A concept that is somewhat alien to me.   I have no excuse for why it’s such an alien concept.  All that I can say Is… I’m a work in progress.   But having finally understood his plight via this weekend’s last outburst.   I realized 2 truths:

 

#1  He reallly really really reallly loves me.

#2 He’s not into her the way that I thought.  

perhaps he keeps her around because … more to come later….

Men are from Mars

After centuries upon centuries of dissecting the male brain one determines there are no areas of grey.   The average human male only sees black or white (unless of course he’s a politician).  This is where the sexes differ.   Women are emotional creatures who therefore operate on that very basis.   Men are…. well for lack of a better term….. uni-cellular in their way of thinking.   They believe if you slap a Band-Aid on it  pre-Neosporin,  the cut is healed.  But there is so much that lies beneath the surface bubbling and broiling.   You can’t really throw a  blanket over it and pretend it’s not there.

My boyfriend (soon-to-be ex) decided he was going to patch up a friendship gone wrong between 2 females.  I guess he thought that if he had the women come together to talk that things would work themselves out.   I guess his ultimate goal was for them to apologize to each other and that’d be that.  But there’s no accounting for hurt feelings and damaged ego..   Simple “I’m sorries” just ain’t gonna cut it.  That’s my problem with him.   He thinks lip service will do the trick.   Doing and saying are vastly two different entities altogether.   Him saying “I’m sorry” and  doing the opposite doesn’t exactly speed the healing process.   You think because you made your side chick apologize to me that I’ll settle down and accept her in your life?   really?

Part of me feels as though it is inevitable that he will cheat with this girl (although the means aren’t physically there).    I know it’s all really silly but i can’t help but feeling the way I did when I was with Loni and she wouldn’t get rid of that bitch mahogany.   So many times I’d been disrespected only to find out they were fucking each other.   It makes me feel like that’s what he’s doing.  Only difference this time around is that, I am preparing myself for the blow.

Fight or Flight

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

I’m doing it.  I’m surviving ain’t I?   Or… Maybe I’m already dead.   I don’t quite feel dead though.   You know everyday I wake up relieved.  Relieved i have yet another opportunity to fuck my life up oh so much more than I already have.  Therein lies the onerous  decision making process.   To err or not to Err.  That is the question.

My Boyfriend.  Yes  I refer to him as such because he’s been the most loyal individual in my life over the span of 10 years.  The most loyal at least until now.  He doesn’t cheat.   It isn’t cheating if your lover knows about it.  He just finds ways to be in everyone elses corner but mine.   Maybe that’s putting it harshly.   Maybe him hanging out with certain girls I don’t approve of and who are blatantly disrespectful of our relationSHIT, isn’t a direct slap in the face.  And Maybe I’m the fucking Dalai Lama.    In any case  for some reason unbeknownst to me, I love the man.  And you know what the cure-all is for loving someone who doesn’t take quite as much stock in you?   it’s  walking away. 

He says to me today that if a woman is going to cheat he has no control over that and therefore it’s pointless to harang over it.   This is true indeed but it seems as if they (the men) turn their emotions on and off like water faucets and subsequently expect the rest of the world to follow suit.     He assumes that because he shrugs shit off that everyone else should too.  but no two people are made alike.  We have our ways in which we like to handle situations and the key to making a relationship work between two people who obviously are not of the same mindset, is to compromise  (find middle ground).    But how does one even begin to do that when the other party involved can’t even see your p.o.v.?   How do you come to some sort of amicable crossroads when He doesn’t see why you would be upset at him ditching you for late night chat with cartoons  

That being the case, ladies what would you do if your man just acted like he didnt’ give a fuck?   If you’re talking to him about the status of your  relationship that he admittedly says he cherishes, and he falls asleep how would you handle that?  Do you flip the light switch?  Do you just take a mental hiatus?  Spend time with self?  Get the fuck-em Dress on n do your Single ladies dance?   What is it that you do to take the edge off?  short of having an affair.  Sleeping with someone else ain’t gone make you feel better.  yes I know ur shaking your head and saying “leave him” but like that dog sittin on that nail  I guess I jus ain’ hurtin enough.    I decided to leave him without leaving him.   I’m taking a little hiatus all by my lonesome.  Call it a spiritual journey if you will.   He will miss me and I will miss him but i figure it’s the best way to clear my mind.  And maybe when I come back I’ll decide   there’s something better out there for me (and perhaps pigs will fly).